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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
June 25, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 5:11 pm UTC
Late Show Rejects – Week of 6/19/06

The following are some of the jokes that I submitted to the Late Show during the week of June 19, 2006, but which were rejected.

Yesterday the Senate voted down a bill to raise the minimum wage.

So, more bad news for Nick Lachey.

Earlier today at the U.S. was officially eliminated from the World Cup after losing to Ghana.

Like most Americans I was completely shocked: I had no idea we were in the World Cup.

Earlier today at the World Cup the Ghana beat the U.S.

More good news for the Ghana team: after the match three players were adopted by Angelina Jolie.

Phoenix was recently named the sweatiest city in America.

It replaced last year’s most sweaty city, which was wherever Michael Moore took his summer vacation.

The bad news about it being summer is that it’s officially tourist season here in New York City.

The good news is summer is the time all the rats go to the Hamptons.

Congratulations to the Miami Heat who won the NBA title last night.

The Heat are an exciting team filled with talented young stars who’ll someday be overpriced has-beens with the Knicks.

President Bush said this week that we will not prematurely withdraw from Iraq.

I believe the last president to withdraw prematurely was – Clinton.

Yesterday NASA named Pamela Ann Melroy to be the second woman shuttle commander on a flight next year.

She’ll be the second woman to command a shuttle flight – at least from the front seat.

Scientists announced this week that they’ve been able to make paralyzed rats walk.

Talk about a dream come true!

President Bush is going to Europe tomorrow for a summit with European leaders.

He spent all day today brushing up on his European.

North Korea has developed a long range ballistic missile.

The bad news is the missile could reach California. The good news is it would pretty much solve our illegal immigrant problem.

North Korea developed a long range ballistic missile that could reach California.

Today President Bush called it the single biggest threat facing the citizens of Mexico.

A showdown between the U.S. and North Korea could be scary.

After all, one country is led by a crazy guy who wasn’t democratically elected and the other country is North Korea.

China announced this week that they plan to put a man on the moon by 2024.

That’s right, they say they’ll put a man on the moon by 2024 – and they say he won’t be carrying more than $20 in cash.

I’m wearing my Father’s Day present from Harry. Can you tell what it is?

That’s right – he got me a new toupee.

My son Harry served me breakfast in bed for Father’s Day.

He brought me my cereal, my newspaper and my teeth.

President Bush was in town today to speak at the Merchant Marine Academy graduation.

It was a lot like his trip to Baghdad last week: it was very short, security was really tight and he couldn’t speak the language.

Over at the World Cup this weekend the U.S. team tied Italy.

So here’s what the U.S. needs to move on to round two: we have to beat Ghana on Thursday, Italy has to beat the Czech Republic and the goal differential – ahh, who cares?

Celebrity birthdays: Paul McCartney turned 64 yesterday.

The bad news is he’s getting divorced. The good news is he’s now rich enough and old enough for Anna Nicole Smith.

It’s been really hot and steamy here in New York City.

Here’s how hot and steamy it is: earlier today over on Fifth Avenue I saw a bunch of rats bust open a fire hydrant.

It’s been really hot and steamy here in New York City.

It was so hot and sweaty today that on my way to work my cab driver sweat through two turbans.

Here’s what I like to do to beat the heat on days like today.

I get a nice big Italian ice from one of those street vendors and I pour it right down my pants.

Last week in Colorado a guy was arrested for getting too close to Dick Cheney.

Don’t kid yourself, it was a dangerous situation; Dick Cheney was this close to shooting the guy.

Last week in Colorado a guy was arrested for getting too close to Dick Cheney.

Earlier today a guy was arrested for getting too close to Condoleezza Rice.

Forbes magazine has ranked Elvis as the top earning dead celebrity.

I’m not sure if this is good news or bad news, but I was number ten on the list.

There’s new information now that Al Qaeda was planning to release poison gas on the New York City subways, but they called it off at the last minute.

Apparently they realized that the subways are already filled with toxic smells, so what’s the point?

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