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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
July 31, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 10:09 am UTC
Oh, Lucky Day!

July 28th is quickly becoming my favorite day. For the third year in a row Dave Letterman has told one of my jokes on July 28th. This past Friday on the Late Show he told this one:

In the new Miami Vice movie Crockett and Tubbs are a little older now.

They spend most of the movie trying to bust up an illegal shipment of Lipitor.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 107kb) or check it out here.

Back on July 28, 2005 he told this one:

Former President Clinton was offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter Chelsea during a recent trip to Kenya.

President Clinton said no, but he did ask the guy what he’d give him for Hillary.

Then, on July 28, 2004 he told this joke that I wrote:

Ted Kennedy spoke at the Democratic National Convention last night.

Ted looked great. They say he’s lost so much weight he had to borrow a pants suit from Hillary.

Not only that, one of my kids was born on July 28th. No, wait, she was actually born on the 29th. Whatever – close enough!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 24, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 2:56 pm UTC
Late Show Rejects – Week of 7/17/06

I had two jokes on the Late Show last week – a veritable avalanche of hits! Still, I wrote a whole helluva lot of jokes that were rejected by the show. Here are the best of those jokes from the week of July 17, 2006.


Over in the Middle East the U.S. military is evacuating Americans from Lebanon.

Earlier today President Bush announced that when they’re done there they’ll start evacuating people from The View.


New York City has been ranked as the most expensive place to park in the country.

Here’s how expensive it is to park in Manhattan: last night I parked for five minutes and the parking cost me twice as much as the sex.


We’re in the middle of a heat wave here in New York City.

It was hot today that Al Gore made a movie about global sweating.


We’re in the middle of a heat wave here in New York City.

The public pools have been so crowded during the heat wave that lifeguards are asking people to take turns urinating in the pool.


Earlier today President Bush vetoed a bill expanding stem cell research.

He said he hoped vetoing this bill would help to cut that s**t out.


The New York Times announced this week that they’re going to narrow the width of the paper by 1 1/2 inches starting in 2008.

So, starting in 2008 they’ll be publishing “All The News That’s Fit to Pri.”


The U.S. government has sent a cruise ship to rescue Americans stranded in Beirut.

Evacuees are being giving clothing, shelter and seven square meals a day.


Robert Brooks, the chairman of Hooters, died this week at the age of 69.

He died of natural causes – extreme happiness.


President Bush is back from Russia for the Group of Eight summit.

Next up: the Week of Five vacation.


The space shuttle landed safely today after a 13-day mission.

Now that they’ve brought the shuttle back to earth, NASA is going to see what they can do about Tom Cruise.


Here in New York City we’re in the middle of a heat wave.

It was so hot today that people are blowing up their houses just to generate a breeze.


Out in California Barry Bonds’s lawyers say they’re already preparing his defense in case he’s indicted for perjury.

They have a sure fire plan to get him off – they told him to go murder somebody immediately.


The government announced this week that the first half of 2006 was the warmest ever for the United States.

President Bush says he’s going to do whatever it takes to prevent any more global warming movies by Al Gore.


A civil jury has awarded one of Michael Jackson’s former advisers $900,000 in a lawsuit.

Michael was found be negligent and extremely creepy.


Britney Spears says that she can’t wait to perform again.

Well, that makes one.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 20, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 3:25 pm UTC
Buoyancy

Quick, when I say the name Pamela Anderson what do you think of? That’s right – boobies. Sorry. Can’t be helped. So, when you hear that she’s going to marry Kid Rock next week on a yacht, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Exactly – no matter what happens, at least she won’t drown. Therein lies the makings of a late night talk show monologue joke that I wrote which David Letterman used to close out his monologue on Wednesday’s Late Show (7/19/06).

Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock announced that they’re getting married next week on a yacht.

Pam will not only be the bride but she’ll also serve as a flotation device.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 293kb) or check her out here.

Ahoy!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 18, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 8:58 pm UTC
Rule of Three

Ok class, pay attention! That means you in the back row with dribble running down your chin! Now then, here’s an important lesson for you would be joke writers out there. One of the most basic rules of joke writing – if there is such a thing – is that the number three is a magic number. In particular, there’s something called the rule of three which is a basic formula used by many joke writers. Basically, it’s a joke of the pattern “setup, setup, punchline.” That is, a joke which establishes a pattern using two things and then adds a third thing which breaks the pattern in a humorous way, thereby causing uncontrolled laughter in your audience. Are you getting all this? This will, I assure you, be on the final.

Anyhow, to demonstrate, take a gander at the joke I wrote that David Letterman told on Monday’s Late Show:

President Bush is in Russia attending the G8 summit.

He wants to talk about hot spots in the world: fighting in the Middle East, missiles in North Korea, pirates in the Carribbean…

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 211kb) or check it out here.

See how easy comedy is?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 17, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 8:29 am UTC
Late Show Rejects – Week of 7/10/06

The Late Show was back last week and I was once again submitting furiously. Seeing as how I didn’t get any jokes at all on the air, I have lots of rejects to choose from this week. Here are the highlighted rejects for the week of July 10, 2006.


President Bush is in Germany today meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

He’ll only be in Germany for two days – just like the U.S. soccer team.


This weekend President Bush will be in Russia for the G8 summit.

The G8 is a group of eight industrialized nations. Can you name them? That’s OK, neither can George Bush.


New papers about Albert Einstein’s love life have been released.

Here’s what we’ve learned about Einstein’s love life: he had two wives, 10 girlfriends and one chubby intern.


The U.S. Army is discontinuing its contract with Halliburton.

In a related matter, Dick Cheney was rushed to the hospital with chest pains.


Officials in Iraq say that Saddam Hussein is on a hunger strike.

I’m not sure how serious he is about it, though. All he’s doing is cutting out the carbs.


An 83-year-old in South Dakota became the oldest man to play professional baseball when he batted in a minor league game this week.

That’s amazing – somebody lives in South Dakota?


Last night on FOX they had the All-Star Game.

FOX had so many cameras at the game it felt like I was right there for each urine test.


Congratulations to Russell Crowe and his wife who gave birth to their second child last week.

They say the boy really takes after his dad. Right after he was born the doctor slapped him and the kid slapped him back.


Yesterday the Senate passed a bill to let Americans import prescription drugs from Canada.

That’s good news for me. Now I’ll be able to get my Lipitor without hiring a drug mule.


Earlier today up on the space shuttle the astronauts did a spacewalk to test whether they can repair heat shields using a caulk gun.

It took two guys six hours to apply caulking to 12 tiles. I believe it was the same two guys who redid my bathroom.


Yesterday Mayor Bloomberg announced New York City’s bird flu pandemic emergency plan.

I can sum it up in one word: Superman.


Earlier tonight in Pittsburgh they had the All-Star Game.

I love all of the All-Star events: the Futures Game, the Home Run Derby, and the Parade of the Juiced Up Freaks.


Earlier tonight in Pittsburgh they had the All-Star Game.

So, finally, the people of Pittsburgh got to see some major league baseball.


President Bush is reportedly working on his memoirs.

It’s going pretty slow; he’s having trouble spelling “memoirs.”


Keith Richards rejoined the Rolling Stones on stage tonight for the first time since undergoing brain surgery.

He said he was excited to be back on stage again last night making a complete ass of himself.


Celebrity birthdays: O.J. Simpson turned 59 yesterday.

He celebrated with the family members he hasn’t killed.


Celebrity birthdays: Jessica Simpson turns 26 today.

Nicka Lachey was at her birthday dinner – she even made sure to leave him a nice tip.


Celebrity birthdays: President Bush turned 60 last week.

Here’s how he spent the day: he slept in, he took it easy, and he didn’t do any work. In other words it was just like any other work day.


Out in Utah this week a Southwest Airlines co-pilot was arrested for being under the influence of alcohol.

Passengers became suspicious when he performed a pre-flight check of the drink cart.


It was really hot and muggy here in New York City today.

It was so hot that earlier today out on 53rd Street Superman used his super strength to bust open some fire hydrants.


The FBI has discovered a terrorist plot to bomb the tunnels between Manhattan and New Jersey.

The attack would have completely shut off access to Manhattan from New Jersey and I’m thinking that doesn’t sound so bad.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 10, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 3:45 pm UTC
Late Show Rejects – Week of 7/18/05

Once again the date in that title is not a typo. The Late Show was dark last week (that’s showbiz lingo for “in reruns”) so I did not submit any material. Instead, just for poops and giggles, I’ve picked out selected rejects from one week last July.


James Doohan, who played Scotty the engineer on “Star Trek” died yesterday at the age of 85.

The entire “Star Trek” cast is in mourning. Today William Shatner had his toupee at half-mast.


NFL agent Drew Rosenhaus saved a boy who was unconscious at Disney World by performing CPR on him.

As a reward after the incident Rosenhaus was offered free admission to the park, but he’s holding out for a better deal.


The new Harry Potter book is out.

In the new book Harry is 17 years old and he uses his powers to make fake IDs for his friends.


In the new Harry Potter book Harry is now 17 years old.

Things get awkward in the book when Harry and his buddies get caught comparing the lengths of their wands.


Over in Rome archaeologists have discovered a 2,000 year-old set of silver dishes that were buried in the lost city of Pompeii.

They say it’s the oldest set of dishware ever found, other than Joan Rivers’s wedding china.


Vice President Dick Cheney had his annual physical this weekend.

Apparently the visit went really well; he only needed a triple bypass.


Celebrity birthdays: Camilla Parker Bowles turned 58 on Sunday.

Prince Charles got her a lovely monogrammed feedbag.


Over in Iraq they’ve officially brought the first charges against Saddam Hussein.

The first charges are from 1982; he’s being charged with the death of disco.


London was recently awarded the 2012 Summer Olympics.

City officials say it’s going take a team of thousands years to get everything cleaned up in time – and those are just the dentists.


McDonald’s has hired P. Diddy to redesign their employees’ uniforms.

The new uniforms will now come with gun holsters.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 5, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 10:03 am UTC
Late Show Rejects – Week of 6/27/05

The date in that title is not a typo. Although the Late Show was in production last week, I was on vacation, and so did not submit any new material. So, I’ve picked out selected rejects from the last week of June 2005 for your viewing pleasure.


President Bush was evacuated from the White House last night after a small plane violated restricted airspace over Washington.

Secret Service agents quickly took President Bush to a secure location so he could finish watching “Dancing with the Stars.”


Homeland security officials said that for a short time last night the White House threat alert level was raised to red.

Here’s how scary it was: President Bush tried to scramble the Batmobile.


It’s been really hot and humid here in New York City.

It was so hot here today that on my way to work I saw Batman on the side of the road because the Batmobile overheated.


Tom Cruise said this week that he believes aliens exist.

Tom Cruise is getting so strange even Michael Jackson is starting to think he’s creepy.


The other day in Moscow New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft let President Vladimir Putin see his Super Bowl ring and Putin put it in his pocket and kept it.

When they heard the news, the New York Jets said, “You can do that?”


Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys was ordered to enroll in an alcohol treatment program after being arrested for drunk driving.

The judge ordered him to stop drinking – and to stop making records.


A movie theater chain is offering a money back guarantee for “Cinderella Man.”

Not only that, but for anybody who doesn’t like the movie, Russell Crowe is promising to beat up the box office attendant


A Louisiana woman claims that she found part of a finger in her salad at Applebee’s.

In a related matter today Wendy’s announced they’re suing Applebee’s for stealing the recipe for their “secret sauce.”


A Louisiana woman is suing Applebees because she found a finger in her salad during a meal there last year.

Apparently it was a pretty unpleasant experience – and finding the finger wasn’t too much fun either


It’s been really hot and humid here in New York City.

It’s been so hot that over at Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum they say Marlon Brando has melted off two pants sizes.


Former President Bill Clinton visited former President George Bush in Maine yesterday and took a boat ride on the ocean.

Did you see the boat they were on? It was big. In fact, I believe President Clinton hasn’t boarded something that big since – Monica.


This week Michael Jackson said his family, friends and God dried his tears during his recent trial.

Well, them and a trained team of tear-drying chimps.


The Supreme Court ruled this week that the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed on government property.

They ruled that religious expression should be restricted to places of worship, private residences, and U.S. foreign policy.


Logo, the first cable channel for gays and lesbians, debuts this week.

I believe that prior to this the only gay programming on TV was “Dancing with the Stars.”


Celebrity birthdays: Derek Jeter turned 31 yesterday.

Let’s see, he’s 31 years old, he’s tough as mails and he costs a fortune – just like the Yankee Stadium hot dogs.


Religious hard liner Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was elected president of Iran last week.

I believe he’s the first religious hard liner to win a presidential election since George Bush.


A new love poem by a famous Greek lesbian, Sappho, has been discovered and published.

Here’s how the poem begins, “There once was a woman named Rosie…”


There’s a new line of sneakers out made from crocodile and ostrich skins with diamonds on them that can cost as much as $4,000 a pair.

The company that makes them says they’re aimed at people who don’t want to play a sport but just want to stand around looking good – like the Knicks.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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