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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
August 28, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 7:54 pm UTC
Late Show Rejects – Week of 8/21/06

I only sold one joke to the Late Show last week, but it’s gotten lots of play. Friends tell me they replayed Dave telling it on Access Hollywood and the joke was reprinted in the Sunday New York Times! Check it out here.

Have no fear, though; there were still plenty of rejects for me to share. Below are the best of the rest that I submitted for the week of August 21, 2006. Read em and weep.


Celebrity birthdays: Regis Philbin turns 75 today.

You probably know Regis as the host of every TV show that’s ever been on.


Yesterday the Bush administration said they had problems with Iran’s response to the U.N. demands regarding it’s nuclear program.

President Bush said for one thing their response wasn’t even in English.


The International Astronomical Union announced today that from now on Pluto will be referred to as a “dwarf planet.”

In response, Pluto said it would really prefer being referred to as a “little planet”.


A new study shows that only 28 percent of American kids have a daily physical education class at school.

That doesn’t count having sex with a teacher.


The Little League World Series is going on this week.

Earlier today the team from South Korea completed a five game sweep of the Red Sox.


The Little League World Series is going on this week.

There’s already been some controversy. Earlier today three kids tested positive for Cracker Jack.


Well, it was another weekend filled with massacres and killings – but enough about the Yankees-Red Sox.


Celebrity birthdays: Former President Bill Clinton turned 60 this weekend.

He’s not happy about turning 60, but the good news is now he can get an AARP discount at Hooters.


Celebrity birthdays: Former President Bill Clinton turned 60 this weekend.

He celebrated with good friends and loved ones – and then he celebrated with Hillary.


“Snakes on a Plane” was the number one movie over the weekend.

I saw the movie and the snakes are mean and nasty and everybody on the plane is afraid of them – no, I’m sorry, those are the flight attendants.


The man suspected of killing JonBenet Ramsey was flown back to the U.S. this weekend in first class, with champagne and gourmet meals.

It really was first class – there weren’t even any snakes on the plane.


It looks like Hillary Clinton is getting ready to run for president.

All the signs are there: she’s raising lots of money, hiring extra staff, and buying new pants suits.


One of Osama bin Laden’s former mistresses says that he was obsessed with Whitney Houston and wanted to have her husband Bobby Brown killed.

He wanted to have Bobby Brown killed? Well, I guess he’s not such a bad guy after all.


Workers at a candy company in California have found a chocolate dripping that looks like the Virgin Mary.

So far the drippings have attracted hundreds of pilgrims and Kirstie Alley.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 24, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 10:49 am UTC
Bummed

In all the years that I’ve been writing late night talk show monologue jokes, I’ve written jokes about many memorable celebrity nuts. I’ve written about such well known fruit cakes as Michael Jackson, Martha Stewart, Saddam Hussein, and George Bush, just to name a few, that have made it onto the broadcast airwaves. However, there’s one well known mental patient who I haven’t been able to turn into a small paycheck – until yesterday. To whom am I referring? Well, let’s just say he’s short, he likes jumping on couches, and he has a strong belief in Xenu and his Galactic Confederacy. Still in the dark? Well, read the following joke I wrote that David Letterman told on Wednesday’s Late Show (8/23/06) and all should become as clear as an Operating Thetan VII.

Paramount Pictures has terminated its relationship with Tom Cruise.

Tom was so upset about it earlier today he called Brooke Shields to see if he could borrow some antidepressants.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 272kb) or check it out here.

It’s a shame. He seemed so normal in Top Gun

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 21, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 10:42 am UTC
Late Show Rejects – Week of 8/14/06

The Late Show was back with new shows last week meaning I was busy writing lots of monologue jokes that weren’t good enough to make the grade! As a matter of fact, none of my jokes made the cut last week. The upside is I have a full complement of rejected material to present to you from the week of August 14, 2006. See how may of these you would reject! If you say “Every one of em!” you may have what it takes to be a late night talk show host.


Here in New York City Starbucks reportedly has a problem with rats in their stores.

I think it’s true because I saw a rat in Starbucks earlier today – he was ordering a latte grande.


Up in the Bronx this week they began construction on the new Yankee Stadium.

I just hope the new stadium will finally allow the Yankees to compete with other teams.


Up in the Bronx this week they began construction on the new Yankee Stadium.

A number of historic parts of the old stadium will be moved over to the new stadium, like the facade, the grass and the hot dogs.


Katie Couric is getting ready for her debut as the anchor of the “CBS Evening News.”

Katie says she’s looking forward to doing the news here at CBS because at NBC they weren’t allowed to make stuff up.


Three Mexican fishermen were rescued in the Pacific Ocean this week after being lost at sea for over nine months.

Officials said the men are doing well but it will be a couple of weeks before they’ll be able to sneak back into the United States.


Former President Bill Clinton is turning 60 in a few days.

Here’s the scary thing about Bill Clinton getting older: we all saw what kind of women he went for when his eyesight was good.


Bill Clinton says he’s unhappy about turning 60 in a few days.

He says he’s already having trouble with his short-term memory, like keeping his stories straight with Hillary.


The man who shot Ronald Reagan, John Hinckley, Jr., is asking a judge to let him spend more time with his family.

More time with his family? He really is insane.


Former President Gerald Ford has been admitted to the hospital.

President Bush was shocked to hear this: he had no idea Gerald Ford used to be the president.


We had miserable weather in New York City today.

It was so miserable today that Mel Gibson blamed the Jews for the weather.


Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad now has his own blog.

He says he’s going to use it to denounce the U.S. and to give his American Idol picks.


Finally, some good news from the Middle East today.

The U.N. has brokered a cease fire between Israel and Mel Gibson.


Last week in Great Britain police disrupted a terrorist plot to blow up a bunch of airplanes over the Atlantic Ocean using household gels and pastes.

Apparently they became suspicious when they discovered a number of British citizens buying tooth paste.


The Transportation Security Administration has banned airline passengers from bringing liquids on flights.

So, for now, the only liquids that can be carried on a plane are baby formula, certain medications and the pilot’s drinks.


Floyd Landis was stripped of his Tour de France victory after he tested positive for high levels of testosterone.

The good news is they didn’t find an ounce of testosterone in any of the French riders.


President Bush just had his annual physical and his doctors say he’s very healthy.

They say he’s got the body of a much smarter man.


President Bush just had his annual physical and his doctors say he’s very healthy.

He attributes his good health to eating right, exercising, and not working.


Martha Stewart is having trouble selling her farmhouse in Connecticut.

She’s so desperate to unload the place that she’s lowered the price and offered to throw in some insider information.


Paris Hilton was bitten last week by her pet kinkajou.

Paris is fine but the kinkajou is still undergoing a battery of tests.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 16, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 11:02 am UTC
Late Show Top Ten Reject

The Late Show is back this week after two weeks off. Since I didn’t write any jokes for them last week, I have no rejected monologue jokes to share this week. However, the Late Show folks have not limited themselves to rejecting only my monologue jokes. Oh no. I’ve also written other material which they’ve rejected over the years. Below is a Top Ten list that I wrote and submitted in 2004. It’s not exactly comedy gold, more like comedy copper, but maybe you’ll enjoy it anyways.


TOP TEN QUESTIONS ON THE OSAMA BIN LADEN DRIVER APPLICATION

10. Choose the word that best describes you: Suicidal, Homicidal, or Maniacal

9. Will you be available for late night falafel runs?

8. You’re at an intersection with a camel and a donkey. Who has the right of way?

7. Name three leaders of other worldwide terror organizations that you’ve driven for

6. Number of years since last bath

5. Any experience babysitting a teacup Chihuahua?

4. Can you look at crazy, one-eyed sheik without staring?

3. Is your name Billy Joel?

2. Length of beard (in cubits)

1. Ever driven a goat before?

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 9, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 10:39 am UTC
Colbert Report Reject: Shut Up!

The Late Show was dark last week, so I have no jokes, rejected or otherwise, to share this week. However, I do have a nice pile of material rejected by other shows to share. Lucky you! Now, I’m not in any way affiliated with the ridiculously funny Colbert Report, but boy would I like to be! To that end I periodically submit a writing sample hoping against hope it’ll catch somebody’s eye. While I did sell them a segment idea last year, my subsequent submissions have been met with a constant stream of rejection. Below is a sample of The Word that I wrote and submitted as part of a package several months ago. Enjoy!


The Word: Shut Up!

STEPHEN COLBERT
A new book has been published that details the alleged steroid use by San Francisco Giants superstar Barry Bonds which confirms what many people have suspected for years: that Bonds’ record home run totals and his freakishly large head are the result of performance enhancing drugs. The book details his use of a number of performance enhancers like human growth hormone, narcolepsy stimulants, female infertility drugs and excessive amounts of Red Bull. Actually, I’m just kidding about that last one – I’m the one hooked on the Bull. Which reminds me…

SC waves a can of Red Bull in the air

Can somebody refill me here? I’m starting to crash.

Anyway, these latest revelations are once again causing the usual hue and cry from the public about the use of steroids by athletes which brings us to tonight’s Word:

We see the graphics for THE WORD and the words “Shut Up!”

Shut up! Are you people nuts?! Did any of you ever watch a major league baseball game before 1990? Me neither, but my sources tell me it was snoozeville!

We see the words “Think Al Gore On C-SPAN”

Look, professional sports are entertainment, just like movies and books.

“And Religion”

I say if these guys want to risk their health to entertain me in exchange for fame and fortune let them!

“It’s A Free Country – No, Wait, That’s Canada”

Let’s face it: steroids make athletes bigger, stronger and – most importantly – angrier resulting in more bone crushing hits and tape measure home runs. That’s what the people love to see.

“And Boobies”

In fact, forget sports; I say there isn’t enough steroid use in this country as it is. Steroids make people aggressive and aggression has only been good for this country.

“Aside From That Slavery Thing”

If there’s one thing this country needs it’s more aggression. What’s it been, two or three years since we toppled a foreign leader?

“Does Martha Stewart Count?”

Steroids would not only make us more aggressive it would also have lots of nice side benefits, like making homeless people employable.

“We Can Always Use More Bouncers”

Steroids would also help us all to drop a few pounds and look a more buff.

“I Like To Manscape”

Look, I say we introduce steroid use at an early age, like in kindergarten.

“Flintstones Chewable Steroids”

Steroids will help young kids to deal with problems like bullies. Heck, steroids will actually create more bullies and as we all know bullying builds character.

“A Bully Once Made Me Eat My Own Boogers”

Steroids users also tend to stay away from useless, left-wing drugs like LSD and marijuana.

“Hippies Smell Bad”

Steroid Users are less likely to waste their time on socially useless activities, like peace rallies.

“And Star Trek Conventions”

And think how much steroids would help politics. Take the Democrats…

“Please”

Steroids would turn Democrats into Republicans.

“Greedy Bastards?”

OK sure, making people take steroids might lead to a few small negatives.

“And Testicles”

And, yes, there are probably some people who shouldn’t ever take steroids.

“Like Postal Workers”

But, like Pappy Colbert used to say, “You can’t make chicken soup without choking the chicken.”

“You’ll Go Blind”

So I, for one, salute you, Barry Bonds! Go ahead and inject your buttocks with all the synthetic monkey hormones you can get your hands on. Baseball needs more people like you. America needs more people like you. So you just tell all those critics and nay-sayers to “Shut up!” and that’s The Word.

“Shut Up!”

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 1, 2006.
  Web Posted at: 3:22 pm UTC
Late Show Rejects – Week of 7/24/06

Only one of my jokes made it on air last week, but that beats none! Now the Late Show is dark for the next two weeks. Here, by my reckoning, are the best of my jokes that didn’t make the cut from the week of July 24, 2006.


There’s a new video out from Al Qaeda’s number two guy, Ayman al-Zawahiri.

This guy is in so many Al Qaeda videos al-Zawahiri must be Arabic for “Regis.”


George Michael said this week that he and his gay lover are getting married.

They’ve already picked out their honeymoon spot: the bushes in Hyde Park.


Earlier today in Washington the Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki addressed a joint session of Congress.

It’s a big trip for him. Tomorrow he’ll be auditioning for a job on The View.


Saddam Hussein said today that he would prefer to be executed by firing squad.

He said his first choice was death by firing squad and his second choice was death by chocolate.


Former President Clinton has been campaigning for Senator Joe Leiberman.

It’s already paying off for Leiberman: he’s up 20 points among chubby interns.


Over in Iraq they’ve put a feeding tube in Saddam Hussein because he’s on a hunger strike.

His doctors say it’s touch and go whether he’ll live long enough for us to execute him.


Former President Clinton recently made a campaign speech for Senator Joe Leiberman.

The speech was big success – Bill got five new phone numbers.


People are now saying that Hillary Clinton is trying to look more presidential for 2008.

So far she’s got a new hairstyle, new makeup and she’s started wearing Bill’s old pant suits.


Celebrity birthdays: Barry Bonds turns 42 today.

42 years old and he’s still hitting home runs. Gee, I wonder what his secret is?


Congratulations to Floyd Landis for winning the Tour de France yesterday.

When he gets home he’ll be going to the White House to meet President Bush and get a congratulatory back rub.


Celebrity birthdays: Monica Lewinsky turned 33 yesterday.

Her friends and family got her a big cake so she got down on her knees and blew out the candles.


NFL teams around the country opened training camp this week.

The Jets are already in training camp working hard on their blame game.


North Korean leader Kim Jong Il is reportedly has a secret wife.

Apparently he didn’t like being single so he found a wife – boy, he really is crazy.


Over in Iraq Saddam Hussein was taken to a hospital over the weekend because he’s on a hunger strike.

After seeing the hospital food he recommitted himself to the hunger strike.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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