May 24, 2007.
It’s Fleet Week in New York City this week. It’s a time when lots of sailors and Navy ships and whatnot make an appearance in the Big Apple in advance of the Memorial Day weekend. It’s also one of David Letterman‘s favorite annual joke topics, right up there with Fashion Week and the Westminster Dog Show, among others. This year, I’m happy to report, I finally got a Fleet Week joke on air. Dave told the following joke on Wednesday’s Late Show (5/23/07):
You can tell that it’s Fleet Week here in New York City.
Over at St. Patrick’s the priests were out front whistling at sailors.
Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 93kb) or check it out here or watch the entire monologue here.
This one got a few hoots from the crowd. Hey, at least all of the sailors are over 18!
May 17, 2007.
Twittering the Twits
For the last month or two I’ve been trying this Twitter deal. If you don’t know what it is, well, then you most likely have a life. Good for you! If you do know what it is, you can follow my daily activities here. It’s like stalking me but more fun and less illegal.
Anyhow, the other night the Republican presidential candidates held another debate (new rule: no presidential debates in a year in which there isn’t actually a presidential election). I decided to watch the debate and post my observations to Twitter. By popular demand (well, ok, because mom asked), and for those who missed it, I’ve posted those comments below.
By the way, this one was for Jerry.
09:00 PM: it’s the fox debate pregame. joe buck and joe morgan are calling the action.
09:00 PM: live from the univ of south carolina. home of the gamecocks. appropriate.
09:02 PM: ladies and gents, a warm hand please for your 2008 republican presidential candidates!
09:04 PM: mccain, paul, guiliani, tancredo (who?), huckabee (name says it all), gilmore, hunter (baptist!), romney, brownback…
09:04 PM: and tommy thompson!
09:05 PM: “we won’t be seeking comments on falwell…” DAMN!
09:06 PM: mccain gets the first q. i once met him in the men’s room. he washes his hands after going pee pee. i like that in a candidate.
09:08 PM: tommy thompson : wearing a red tie. promising to share oil revenues with the iraqis. ha. what a kidder!
09:09 PM: the mormon is up. definitely the best looking candidate. wonder if he’s wearing the “magic underwear.”
09:11 PM: brownback wearing a VERY light blue tie. bordering on gayish. loses points for that.
09:13 PM: rudy’s up. solid red tie. he talks tough. no timetable for retreat. excellent! no reason to change our current approach.
09:14 PM: here’s the tancredo guy. another red tie. where the hell is gary bauer?
09:15 PM: les paul is up. er, ron paul. first guy to invoke THE GIPPER. bonus points!
09:19 PM: they’re on to iran. first threat made by that gilmore joker.
09:20 PM: mitt: i won’t raise taxes. we need fundamental change. let’s streamline washington. i take it one game at a time…
09:21 PM: mccain makes a joke comparing congress to a drunken sailor. gets a good laugh. he’s killing!
09:23 PM: huckabee makes a joke about the gov spending like john edwards at a beauty shop. the crowd loves it! SNAP!
09:26 PM: brownback sucking up to iowa by calling for more biodiesel from iowa. he’s making up ground for the gay tie.
09:30 PM: gilmore: just called “some of these other candidates” LIBERAL.
09:32 PM: i’m having trouble keeping track of who’s who. all these white guys look alike.
09:33 PM: this tancredo guy looks like the nazi leader from the blues brothers.
09:38 PM: we’re on to abortion. let’s get down to business.
09:40 PM: chris wallace calls out guiliani for being pro choice. rudy invokes liberal media, avoids question.
09:43 PM: huckabee looks like kevin spacey. keyser soze pledges tax decrease.
09:45 PM: 44 minutes in and i have yet to see a non white face anywhere in the auditorium.
09:46 PM: brownback verbally fellates the late ronald reagan again.
09:50 PM: keyser soze compares an embryo to a missing boy scout that we must save. perhaps mentioning boy scout not the best way to go…
09:53 PM: i tell you, romney is sharp looking. i’m not gay. so far, no “big dig” questions tossed his way.
09:56 PM: mccain looks like he’d rather be back in the hanoi hilton.
10:05 PM: ron paul wants to end the war, says we invited the 9/11 attacks. you can hear the crowd cocking their guns…
10:09 PM: keyser soze pledges to “not make mistakes.” huh?
10:10 PM: tancredo not sure if man is responsible for global warming, sigh.
10:12 PM: intermission #2. highlight: ann coulter dancing from a stripper pole.
10:18 PM: mccain is against torturing terrorists. guiliani is ok with “water boarding” – gets applause.
10:19 PM: thompson makes the debate’s 100th official mention of ronald reagan – gets a free t-shirt.
10:26 PM: romney says he’s against torture, for “enhanced interrogation techniques” – with a straight face.
10:30 PM: just realizing i haven’t heard any candidate say the word “bush”. go figure.
10:32 PM: DING DING DING! IT’S OVER! thank jesus.
10:32 PM: ok, if the election was based on looks, clothes and speaking ability, romney would win. good thing we’re not that shallow.
May 9, 2007.
Is it just me or are oil prices starting to inch up? You and I may think that’s a problem but I suspect a certain pair of boot-wearin’, gun-totin’, big-oil-lovin’ politicians in Washington probably don’t mind all that much. So while having my wallet violated at the pump the other day I wrote a joke about it that David Letterman told on the Late Show Tuesday night (5/8/07):
Experts say gas is going to hit $4 per gallon this summer.
It’s all part of President Bush’s “No Oil Company Left Behind” program.
Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 153kb) or check it out here or watch the entire monologue here.
On the bright side it won’t be long now before the cost of gas makes it cheaper to quit work and not commute anymore.
May 8, 2007.
The Most Exciting Two Minutes
As regular watchers of the Late Show know, David Letterman enjoys retelling his favorite jokes. For example, every year about this time Dave starts in with the prom season material (e.g. “The limo driver made out with my date,” “When I pinned the corsage on my date she deflated,” etc.). For us poor slob monologue freelancers trying to land a joke on the show those repeats get frustrating, since they take up precious slots in his monologue. On the other hand, if you write a joke that tickles Dave’s funny bone the right way, you get to hear him tell it more than once (and sometimes three or four times).
Last year I wrote a joke that Dave told after the Kentucky Derby. Seeing how well it went over last year I submitted the same joke again yesterday and, sure enough, Dave retold it on Monday’s Late Show (5/7/07):
For me the Kentucky Derby is a lot like sex.
It’s over in 2 minutes and costs me $100.
Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 120kb) or check it out here or watch the entire monologue here.
Click here to hear the 2006 version! (format: MP3, size: 108kb)
By the way, you people need to head to Joe Lateshow pronto and start showing him some love. So, go!