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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
September 23, 2008.
  Web Posted at: 7:10 pm UTC
Twittering Like a Pirate

For those who don’t already know, I really enjoy Twitter. I’ve been using it for about a year and a half and have made some interesting new acquaintances there. Mostly, I like using it as one big comedy writing exercise. I try to see if I can write something funny in 140 or characters or less. I leave it up to my followers to decide whether I actually do that or not.

Anyway, this past Friday was Talk Like a Pirate Day, where some strange people decided decided they wanted to designate one day a year to talk like a, well, pirate, as in the swashbuckling, Johnny Depp-variety. Now, this sort of thing isn’t really my cup of tea. However, last year I decided to take some creative liberties with the idea and, using Twitter, talk like my preferred type of pirate – a Pittsburgh Pirate.

Last year I was famous Pirates reliever Kent Tekulve. This year, I went a little more mainstream and went with Barry Bonds, circa 1990 (i.e. during his Pirate days).

in honor of talk like a pirate day, i’ll talk like barry bonds circa 1990. my body is my temple.

the other day i saw bobby bonilla using jock itch cream. he’s nuts! i would never put anything artificial on or in my body.

people always ask me what’s the key to my speed in the outfield and on the basepaths? the answer: my small head! may it ever be so.

boy, that jose canseco sure can mash the ball. i wish i knew what his secret was…

sid bream has breath that could melt paint. nasty.

looks like we’ll make the playoffs this year and i’ll get to show what i can do in big games. don’t worry pittsburgh – i won’t let you down!

my testicles are WAY too big. i wish there was something i could take that would shrink them while increasing my power to all fields.

in 83 i played in alaska. bagged a beauty queen named sarah. said she was gonna be gov or vice prez some day. dumb as a post – but hot!

one thing’s for sure – the future of baseball in pittsburgh is extremely bright!

hi. i’m the 1990 barry bonds. someday, after my heads swells due to steroid use my favorite comic strip will be http://www.Schwilm.com

i’m not sure what’s scarier: facing rob dibble’s fastball or seeing jim leyland naked in the shower.

Reaction was good! Some people liked it, so I think I’ll do it again next year. I’m already thinking I’ll talk like Manny Sanguillen.

-Chum    [link | 2 comments]

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September 11, 2008.
  Web Posted at: 2:52 pm UTC
Take THAT SNL!

Ok, so, Saturday Night Live has made it loud and clear over the past five years that they have no need of my topical joke writing services. However, David Letterman still likes my stuff! So far this week, he’s used three of my jokes, including two on one show!

The first was on Monday’s Late Show (9/8/08):

The oldest gorilla in captivity died last week at the age of 55.

The oldest known gorilla not in captivity is 61 and is governor of California.

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Then came Tuesday’s show (9/9/08) in which he told the following two jokes of mine!

First was this one:

They’re saying now that when John McCain and Sarah Palin are together he will hug her, but he won’t kiss her.

It’s just like Bill and Hillary.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Then he closed out the monologue with this one:

O.J. Simpson is on trial again, this time for robbery and kidnapping in Law Vegas.

He has a pretty good alibi; he says he couldn’t have done it because at the time of the robbery he was across town stabbing somebody.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Thanks, Dave! You’re the wind beneath my wings!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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September 8, 2008.
  Web Posted at: 7:14 pm UTC
I’m (Comic) Stripping Again

Much as I love writing jokes for late night TV, my real dream in life as a young fella was to be a syndicated cartoonist. I loved TV and sitcoms and David Letterman and all that growing up, but what really got me going was reading Peanuts or Bloom County or Calvin and Hobbes.

I’m talking comic strips here, as in the multi-panel, recurring character type of features. Nothing, to me, beat that daily shot of comedy and art that they provided, not mention catching up with my favorite characters. For a long time, that’s what I angled to do with my life.

For a variety of reasons that I won’t go into here, I never pursued it as much as I should have. The thing that always held me back was the drawing. I love to draw, but I never formally studied it and doesn’t come nearly as easily to me as the writing.

But, every few years, I come back to the dream and start noodling around on a strip. The bug recently took ahold of me again. The result? A poorly drawn but hopefully funny strip. So, without further ado allow me to present (drum roll please) my latest attempt at a comic strip: Schwilm!

Schwilm - September 4, 2008

The basic premise so far: it’s about a guy named Bob Schwilm, the leader of the Marvelous Institute of Togetherness (MIT), a non-denominational, all-inclusive quasi religious/spiritual community. Bob has a wife, kids (for now – I may change that), a crazy congregation, goofy friends and relatives, etc. and so forth.

As you can see, the drawing is, to put it mildly, pathetic. My whole goal is to spend as little time drawing as possible. In fact, my friend (and amazing illustrator) Brad Fitzpatrick described my drawing style perfectly: it’s a I-don’t-care-what-you-think-of-my-drawing-skills style.

Well put!

But, I’ve decided, I don’t care! I’m a comedy writer. I have these characters and ideas in my head, and I’m just going to throw them out there.

The whole thing is a work in progress. Everything is still in development, from characters (a bunch of whom I have in my head but haven’t debuted yet) to character names to such details as whether Schwilm has children.

My goal for now is simple: one new strip a week.

If you like it tell your friends, write your congressperson, or even put Schwilm on your own site!

Of course, if David Letterman or Conan O’Brien or Bill Maher finally comes to his sense and hires me to write full time, all bets are off.

-Chum    [link | 2 comments]

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September 5, 2008.
  Web Posted at: 11:33 am UTC
I’m No Einstein

As Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results“.

Clearly, then, I am insane.

Why? Because for the FIFTH straight year I once again auditioned for a freelance job submitting jokes to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.

And for the FIFTH straight year I was rejected.

E=MC2 indeed.

Anyhow, here are the jokes I submitted this year. Judge for yourself.


Tiger Woods and his wife Elin announced this week that they’re expecting their second child.

The good news is Elin and the baby are doing well; the bad news is it only took Tiger three strokes.


John McCain announced Friday that he’s chosen Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential running mate.

Political experts say this proves he’s still a maverick, still a risk taker and still has 20/20 vision.


Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin announced this week that her 17 year-old daughter Bristol is pregnant.

John McCain says this in no way affects Gov. Palin’s qualifications to be on the ticket – namely her breasts.


Hurricane Gustav hit the Gulf Coast earlier this week.

Experts say it’s the worst disaster to happen on Labor Day that didn’t involve Jerry Lewis.


The developer of a new skyscraper in Dubai claimed this week that it has reached a height of 2,257 feet, which would make it the tallest building in the world.

Nobody’s been able to see the building yet to verify its height, so apparently it’s a grower not a shower.


A jogger in Melbourne, Australia recently went to the hospital after being attacked by a kangaroo.

To be fair to the kangaroo witnesses say the guy did cut him off.


Three more New York women have accused a Hasidic business man of posing as a gynecologist to molest them in a Park Ave doctor’s office.

They all said it was humiliating and degrading and the worst part was the co-payment.


During a concert in England this weekend, Madonna showed a video featuring images of destruction, global warming, Hitler, Zimbabwe’s President Robert Mugabe as well as John McCain.

People at the concert say they were horrified and sickened by what they saw – and they also said the video was scary too.


This year’s Farm Aid concert will be broadcast live in High Definition.

Or, in Willie Nelson’s case, Very High Definition.


According to a new study the most affluent city in America is Plano, Texas.

As a result, from now on, it will be known as Not-So-Plano.


A large-breasted woman in California missed her flight when she refused to allow security agents to pat down her underwire bra.

The woman accused the TSA screeners of being extremely rude and of not even offering her dinner and drinks first.


P. Diddy says that because of the high cost of gas he’s switching from private jets to flying commercial.

He says he hasn’t gone down in rear-end space and comfort like this since he broke up with J. Lo.


For the new season, the producers of American Idol have added a fourth judge, singer-songwriter Kara DioGuardi, to the panel.

This will be the first time in the history of the show they have four judges – and a real singer.


Country singer and “Smokey and the Bandit” co-star Jerry Reed passed away this week at the age of 71 from emphysema.

His is the third face from “Smokey and the Bandit” face that’s no longer with us, after Jackie Gleason and Burt Reynolds.


David Freeman, the author of “100 Things to Do Before You Die” passed away this week at the age of 47.

The good news is he’s now working on a sequel: “100 Things to Do After You Die.”


That’s it. I’m not submitting again next year. No way. No how. Absolutely not. I’m done. I swear.

Ahh, who am I kidding? I’m a glutton for punishment. Sign me up again.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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