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This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
March 31, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-31
  • skipped the morning run today. i feel extra jiggly. #
  • Pres. Obama is flying to London tomorrow on Air Force One for the G20 summit. The economy is so bad that AF1 is now charging for peanuts. #
  • note to coworkers: i’m getting dangerously close to coffee overload. if you need something from me it’d be best to wait until i come down. #
  • about to have soup for lunch. i may as well have stayed in bed. #
  • new IT Underworld cartoon up! http://tinyurl.com/cw3ngo #
  • just bought a very tall coffee. feels like i’m compensating for something. #
  • i am home with child #2 while mrs chumworth is out with child #1, meaning i only have half my usual headache. #
  • just got my first check from jimmy fallon (for my joke last week)! thanks jimmy! #
  • with only one kid at home i can almost start to think straight again. almost. #
  • the kids are watching a movie on videotape. feels like it should be powered by a hand crank. #
  • the kids are down, hopefully for the night (crossing self). #
  • this dove chocolate wrapper says “Dove + Frends + Shopping = a perfect day.” looks like i bought the gay chocolates. #

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March 30, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-30
  • the chumworths are all up. let the insanity begin. #
  • gotta go hammer something. you are right to be impressed, ladies. #
  • there’s an extra kid in the house. why am i being punished? #
  • cleaning up the house which is pretty dirty. i blame the children. #
  • time to groom and clean the chumworth. #
  • Madonna is adopting another child from Malawi. Apparently she got the idea when Angelina Jolie told her they were having a half-off sale. #
  • whipping up a big old chicken dish for dinner. also: drinking beer. nine year old singing. sadly, she has my voice. #
  • kids would be much easier to live with if they came with mute buttons. #
  • mrs chumworth made a batch of killer brownies, with extra chocolate chips. she’s trying to wreck my figure for bikini season. #
  • A British group asked Madonna to think twice B4 adopting another African child. They also asked her to think twice B4 making another album. #

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March 29, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-29
  • the kids are watching “how the grinch stole christmas.” strange for march but the important thing is it’s keeping their yaps shut. #
  • gonna go check out the new bakery in town. they probably won’t have anything on tap. #
  • hmm, the new bakery is pricey. we’ll see if the treats are worth it. being a man of wealth and taste i have high standards. #
  • college buddy/architect coming over to discuss third floor renovations. seems like a good time to spend a lot of money. why not? #
  • note to self: third floor remodel looking more expensive than planned. have mrs chumworth demand raise next week. #
  • first lawn work of the year complete: raking! i have earned several beers, which i will reward myself with later. now: shower time. #
  • another day, another check from mr letterman! i love getting paid for comedy! #
  • i am clean and heading out to do food shopping in shorts, thereby exposing my gorgeous gams. you’re welcome ladies! #
  • <— beer time! starting with some of this: http://tinyurl.com/c6nh6e #
  • getting ready to broil some fish. time to remove the smoke detector batteries! #
  • oh. my. god. nine year old just announced she’s gotten her first bra. sweet jesus, joseph and mary i need a much stiffer drink. #
  • once the kids are in bed, we will break out the champagne! #
  • mrs chumworth just announced (loudly) that she’s making brownies. you go girl. #
  • actually have pitt-villanova game on the tv. wish i could get excited about it. it’s not happening. #
  • the kids are down and the champagne is open! #

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March 28, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-28
  • On Thursday President Obama held an online town hall meeting. He received 104,000 questions and 50,000 offers for male enhancement. #
  • the oregon urology institute is encouraging men to get a vasectomy during the ncaa tournament. one more reason to hate basketball. #
  • i am not my job. i am not my job. i am not my job. #
  • Miss Montana has been charged with DUI. Police say she couldn’t recite the alphabet " but they didn’t say how they could tell she was drunk. #
  • congrats to @jesseluna for winning the latest IT Underworld cartoon caption contest! http://tinyurl.com/d3reky #
  • gonna go brush my teeth. you’re welcome, coworkers. #
  • just bought a very large coffee. let’s hear it for drugs you openly use at work! #
  • to go home and make with the drinky-drinky. #
  • drinking some dogfish head 60 minute ipa. watching rachael ray. hmmm. #
  • mrs chumworth just noted that rachael ray’s behind looks as “big as arizona”. arizona is pretty good sized. #
  • t-minus 10 minutes until the kids go to bed. nirvana awaits! #
  • the kids are down! time for more beer and week old pizza! #
  • i was reminded tonight that, like an expensive french cheese, ben affleck only stinks more and more over time. someone revoke his SAG card. #

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March 27, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 2:18 pm UTC
More Low Paid Work for Me!

In case you haven’t been weeding through all those ridiculous entries from my Twitter feed that I recently started posting here on Chumworth.com, I had some big comedy writing news this week: I recently started contributing monologue jokes to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon!

Jimmy, of course, only recently took over Late Night from Conan O’Brien, who, of course, is heading out to California to take over the Tonight Show from Jay Leno (for whom I also once wrote monologue jokes) in a couple of months. Jimmy’s been on the air for about a month and last week I got the nod to start sending in freelance monologue jokes, as I’ve been doing for the Late Show with David Letterman for almost six years now (and, yes, I am still sending jokes into Dave).

Earlier this week, for the first time, Jimmy told a joke that I wrote! That’s one more notch I can add to my belt and not just for weight gain this time! If you missed the link to it in my Twitter feed, here it is:

Police in Nigeria have arrested a one hundred fourteen-year-old man after discovering more than one hundred bags of marijuana behind his house.

The good news is he’s only looking at a few months in jail. The bad news is that’s a life sentence.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

You can also watch the video of the entire show here.

On the upside, I’m very excited to contribute to Jimmy’s show. On the downside, it means lots more work and lots more rejection. Well, I am certainly used to rejection so, what the hell!

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March 27, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-27
  • now writing monologue jokes for two late night shows. That means twice the rejection! Just what i need. #
  • here i am at work for the fourth day in a row! no, wait – i took monday off. three days in a row! my work ethic is legendary. #
  • Hillary Clinton blames America’s demand for drugs for Mexico’s drug violence. On the plus side it’s also given us Pineapple Express. #
  • attention boston bruins fans: apparently you have a woman playing center: http://tinyurl.com/cmrmlz #
  • well, that sandwich certainly was enjoyable going down. now, not so much. #
  • ok, quitting while i’m ahead. and by “ahead” i mean “just as behind as ever”, so i may as well leave. #
  • if i wasn’t already married i would be down on one knee proposing to my beloved A1 sauce. liquid smack, that stuff. how i love it! #
  • my hair is starting to get some kramer-like lift. haircut postponed. the comedy value is too great. #
  • writing up sample math questions to help 9 year old study for test tomorrow. they all involve bottles of beer. #
  • A Michigan man got 90 days in prison for having sex with a car wash vacuum. He said the worst part was having to tell his home vacuum. #

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March 26, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-26
  • my left armpit consistently smells worse than my right armpit. that’s normal, right? #
  • dave letterman told a little joke last night that i wrote about him getting married. audio coming in a bit. #
  • ok, here’s my one liner about dave letterman getting married that he told last night: http://tinyurl.com/c9lt3c #
  • A teenager in Eng. painted a 60ft penis on the roof of his house. His mom said she had no idea what inspired him but it sure wasn’t his dad. #
  • my butt hurts. that means one thing: it’s lunch time! #
  • time for a caffeine injection. going to do my part to support global coffee chain. #
  • i think i need a haircut. alert the media. #
  • mrs chumworth is leaving me alone with the kids again tonight. clearly i have angered her. #
  • i’m alone with the kids. we’re going to design donuts for the dunkin’ donuts contest! #
  • just designed the world’s greatest donut. soon you will all be eating it and i will be rich. yay! #
  • down go the kids! down go the kids! (imagine howard cosell screaming “down goes frazier! down goes frazier!”) #
  • RR: ok, here’s my one liner about dave letterman getting married that he told last night: http://tinyurl.com/c9lt3c #
  • drawing a crummy cartoon and writing crummy jokes – but drinking a good wine! one out of three ain’t bad. #
  • the cat is getting way up in my grill and purring. it’s on! #
  • reviewing the entries in the dunkin donuts create a donut contest. 3/4 of the donut names are dirty. nice job, perverts. #

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March 25, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-25
  • just got into work and i already have a splitting headache. not a good sign. #
  • ANNOUNCEMENT: i have broken my cherry on another late night show. jimmy fallon told one of my jokes last night! details to come. #
  • ok, here’s the first joke of mine that jimmy fallon has used: http://tinyurl.com/d8mphy #
  • note to self: go easy on the coffee before this afternoon’s meeting. must remain remain calm and professional. #
  • Octomom won’t identify the father of her kids. All she’ll say is he’s in his late 30s, he’s not American and he won’t return her messages. #
  • the chumworths are about to attempt family dinner again. sweet lord this can’t end well. #
  • ok, we survived family dinner with no tears, bleeding or punishments. now, i am on my own for bed time. THAT can’t possibly go as well. #
  • this is funny: dave letterman’s bear story: http://tinyurl.com/dj68hn #
  • An 8th grader in Fla was suspended for for farting on the bus. School officials say that behavior is unacceptable " funny, but unacceptable. #
  • between wife, daughters, mother-in-law and female cat this house is overrun with estrogen. i’m going to hide under the covers. #

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March 24, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-24
  • taking the kids to school, then going to the dentist. does it get any better than this? yes, it sure as hell does. #
  • it is WAY too cold for march 23. i blame the terrorists. #
  • just got done at the dentist. Now about to have blood drawn. If the medical industry goes belly up, don’t blame me. #
  • China is developing a musical based on Das Kapital. They say the goal is to help tell the story of communism in a much gayer way. #
  • at home today waiting for the furnace guy to come by and replace the oil feed line. to say my life is glamorous would be an understatement. #
  • there’s a guy in my basement digging up the floor – and i’m paying for the privilege. #
  • just got a seriously great gift in the mail from a very thoughtful stranger! details later… #
  • the house smells like oil which is making me loopy. to be honest, i’m kind of enjoying it. #
  • watching my 6 year old have her third piano lesson. A few more and i can take her on tour. #
  • roasting a chicken for dinner. the house smells like crispy, tasty dead fowl! #
  • successfully tried out the new meat thermometer tonight. it worked like a charm and, uh… this sounds dirty. forget i said anything. #
  • (as dave letterman): I got married last week. Here’s how I proposed: I got down on one knee, took her hand and asked her to sign a pre-nup. #

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March 23, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-23
  • just ate oatmeal. on the weekend. voluntarily. i need help. #
  • finishing up second cup of coffee and wrote first joke of the day. starting to feel human. #
  • time to clean the cat’s food dish and litter box, not that she’ll ever thank me. #
  • it’s still spring training but i just wrote my first yankee stadium hot dog joke of the season! #
  • (this joke if for wednesday): Celebrity birthdays: Elton John turns 62 today. He had a celebration fit for a queen. #
  • dear elisabeth hasselbeck: go away. #
  • time for coffee and heaping hunk of chocolate cake. #
  • Today in 1857 the first elevator was installed in NYC. That first elevator needed a guy to operate it and another guy to play bad music. #
  • here’s the part in the godfather where the godfather dies. ooops – hope i didn’t ruin that for anybody. #
  • got the pitt-oklahoma state basketball game on. i haven’t even had a drink. #
  • am i the only person who thinks the etrade baby ads aren’t funny? i think so. completely lame. #
  • drinking some tasty massachusetts beer: http://tinyurl.com/d4lny8 #
  • ok, fine. switched to the boozing avatar! #
  • dumb question: obviously, when a doctor tells you to fast the night before a medical test that doesn’t include chocolate cake – right? #
  • i was thinking of sleeping in the buff tonight but i don’t think i’m up for the heckling from mrs chumworth. #

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March 22, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-22
  • had a dream about grilling and in the dream my grill was too small. no, wait, i mean it was too big. obscenely big. #
  • my girls have found the most god awful show in the history of TV: toddlers & tiaras. brings back bad memories of my own beauty pageant days. #
  • mrs chumworth was craving chocolate cake so i pulled a 7 layer belgian chocolate cake out of the freezer. i am a problem solver! #
  • haven’t showered, haven’t shaved and am now heading to the hardware store. look out ladies – the testosterone is flowing! #
  • just opened visa bill and had a fred sanford elizabeth-i’m comin’-to-join-ya-honey moment. #
  • taking the six year old food shopping. then home to crack open some beer. #
  • back from food shopping! almost beer time. #
  • RR: new IT Underworld cartoon posted! http://tinyurl.com/cdy7t8 #
  • getting a jump on jokes for monday. my work ethic really is almost embarrassingly strong. #
  • mrs chumworth bought the nine year old daughter a bunch of new spring clothes. meanwhile, i’ve got underwear older than her. #
  • starting off the evening with the dogfish 60 minute IPA. also making pizza for the girls. gonna make an adult pizza later. #
  • one beer down. next one open. feeling good, louis! #
  • kids fed, now outside burning off energy. counting down until bed time. #
  • oh my god – i just created the world’s greatest looking pizza. it is in the oven! #
  • finally getting kids in bed. almost ready to pop open the champagne. #
  • the girls are in bed. maybe there is a god! #
  • watching flash of genius and finishing off this bottle of wine. #
  • i’m physically incapable of not watching the godfather when it is on – even in edited and commercial interrupted form. god damn you amc hd! #

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March 21, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-21
  • gearing up to take the kids to school or, as i call it, the dump and run. #
  • Obama says he’d rather be a good president for 4 years than a mediocre one for 8. Bear in mind he’s living with his his mother-in-law. #
  • The first U.S. tourist flights into space will be available in 2011. Tickets are $200,000, or $200,001 if you want a pair of headphones. #
  • lunch time! are there two sweeter words in the english language? i mean other than happy hour? #
  • ok, spring is finally here. now as soon as ncaa hoops is over things will really start to brighten up! in other news, it’s almost beer time. #
  • watching my honey rachel ray in HD. yummy! #
  • new IT Underworld cartoon posted! i am celebrating with a beer: http://tinyurl.com/cdy7t8 #
  • rachael ray just winked at me. she wants it. #
  • A Rhode Island strip club is hosting a job fair tomorrow. If you’re going there to interview here’s a tip: don’t bother getting dressed up. #
  • uh oh – just found “say anything” on the tube. must watch once again. john cusack’s finest moment. #
  • 6 year old just asked me how to spell awesome. easy, i said. D A D D Y. she ain’t buying what i’m selling. #
  • watching sean penn play harvey milk. it’s no spicoli, but old sean penn still has it. #
  • milk is over (great flick). now on to the seven year itch. forgot how good tom ewell is in this. #

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March 20, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-20
  • workers in france are on strike today proving, once again, i am working in the wrong country. #
  • i’m not wearing my watch today – on purpose! every few months i say what the heck and leave it at home. that’s just the way i roll. #
  • dunkin donuts is running a create their next donut contest! don’t bother entering because i am going to win: http://tinyurl.com/djn6k9 #
  • this beer is definitely skunked. and yet i will drink it all. #
  • mrs chumworth was bellyaching that we were out of white wine. i have rectified that situation. i am a keeper! #
  • michelle obama planting a vegetable garden on the white house lawn. this only make her even more attractive: http://tinyurl.com/dextw2 #
  • just put the trash out. what would this family do without me? #
  • 6 year old saw a movie about beethoven in school today. i asked if she saw the part where he joins the beatles. she wasn’t buying it. #
  • actually have ncaa basketball on the tube. yes, i’ve been drinking. #
  • it’s official: basketball makes me gassy. either that or the curry dish we had for dinner. #

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March 19, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-19
  • got another joke on letterman last night! audio coming soon. #
  • left my lunch at home today by accident. of course it was soup, so it was probably a subconscious thing. #
  • here’s my joke that dave letterman told on last night’s late show: http://tinyurl.com/dg3v2p #
  • this is making me thirsty: http://tinyurl.com/dermjr #
  • who the heck doesn’t know what a whoopie pie is? only one of the greatest treats ever: http://tinyurl.com/c994vp #
  • George Bush is writing a book about the 12 toughest decisions he made as prez. It’s titled, “My Half-Dozen Toughest Decisions as President.” #
  • i really need a vacation – or a lobotomy. one or the other. #
  • got the kids in bed! like being able to finally scratch a really annoying itch. #
  • The actor who played Darth Vader, announced that he has prostate cancer. Well, technically, it was announced by James Earl Jones. #
  • gonna go snuggle up with my new sports illustrated. queue the mood lighting and scented candles. #

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March 18, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-18
  • done with my morning run, watching dave letterman’s monologue from last night. dave told TWO of my jokes! double ka-ching! #
  • not wearing any green today but i will be tapping the guinness later. #
  • thanks to my irish ancestors for passing along “the sickness” (making drinking gesture)! #
  • working from home today, so pants are optional. however, pants definitely not optional when dropping kids off at school, as i’ve learned. #
  • here are my two bernie madoff jokes that dave letterman told last night: http://www.chumworth.com/2009/03/16/3628/ #
  • attention mrs chumworth: we’ve got some bananas in the kitchen that are plenty ripe for banana chocolate chip bread. hint. #
  • it’s nice and peaceful and quiet here at home. i am fearing the return of the kids from school. #
  • kid number 1 home, now time to get kid number 2. then i will need to tap a guinness! #
  • it’s almost o’guinness o’clock. #
  • 6 year old teaching 9 year old how to play the piano. this can only end in crying and screaming. #
  • mrs chumworth has gone out and left me to put the kids to bed by myself. trying hard not to cry. #
  • RR: here are my two bernie madoff jokes that dave letterman told last night: http://tinyurl.com/ccvyjf #
  • note to fellow parents in town: stop giving your kids st paddy’s day presents from a magic leprechaun. now my kids expect it. fat chance! #

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March 17, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-17
  • just a couple of more weeks of exhibition games and then the real season can finally begin – the hockey playoffs! #
  • once again i am comedically constipated. #
  • North Korean has opened its first Italian restaurant. Experts say they could soon be capable of making cannolis of mass destruction. #
  • apparently i need to have my oil tank feed line sleeved. this sounds expensive – and vaguely sexual. #
  • just went out for coffee in a desperate and fruitless attempt to improve my day. it isn’t working. #
  • is it too late to give up work meetings for lent? #
  • six year is practicing the piano. nine year old is whining. 39 year old (me) is boozing. #
  • just gave the six year old a shower which means she is clean. well, as clean as a six year old could ever be. #
  • writing st patrick’s day jokes for mr letterman. most of my friends have useful careers. #
  • The UN now estimates that world population will be over 9 billion people by 2050, up from 6.8 billion now. Thanks Octomom. #

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March 16, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 11:18 am UTC
IT Underworld Caption Contest #2

As you may know, I draw a weekly comic called IT Underworld about the wacky, wet and wild world of IT for the web site ITworld.

We recently decided to start holding caption contests, where you can try your hand at writing the punchline to one of my cartoons. The winner receives a $25 Amazon gift card. Can’t beat that!

We first tried this last month and it was so popular we’ve decided to do it again! Here’s the latest caption contest cartoon:

Cartoon Caption Contest #2

To enter, go to the IT World site and add your caption as a comment. If you add your caption here, no matter how funny it is, it won’t be entered in the contest. Sorry, them’s the rules.

Good luck, biatches!

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March 16, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-16
  • just gave the girls cocoa krispies and now introducing them to the beverly hillbillies. they are lucky to have me. #
  • time to go measure some stuff. gotta use the tape measure. feeling manly. #
  • there’s a picture of our six year old in the boston herald. can’t find it online. may have to actually buy a paper. #
  • caught a mouse in the crawl space. sorry mice – you messed with the wrong angry homeowner. #
  • commencing topless bathroom cleaning. feeling less manly. #
  • mrs chumworth is threatening to bake every day to put some weight on me. ok, let’s see it then! #
  • gonna go down the street and drink beer and grilled meat with our new neighbors. #
  • nothing beats drinking liberally about 500 feet from home. now to write some jokes. #

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March 15, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-15
  • big chumworth family outing today. part business, part pleasure, all chaos. #
  • reviewing dave letterman’s monologue from last night. he told one of my barbie turns 50 jokes! #
  • my nine year old just put on enough strawberry lip gloss to sink a ship. she’s in trouble. i told her to never touch my gloss. #
  • we’re at a place with lots people and at least one large, talking bear. No beer, though. #
  • wait – now, in addition to a talking bear, there’s a clown here too. Either that or i’m having an acid flashback. #
  • Just had a tasty beer and salad for lunch. Now heading home. Still wearing pants. #
  • here’s how the rest of the day is shaping up: food shopping, do mom’s taxes and beer drinking. not necessarily in that order. #
  • RR: new IT Underworld caption contest! win a $25 amazon gift card (note: i take bribes): http://tinyurl.com/c9yjsd #
  • at the supermarket. Just put broccolli in the shopping cart. Apparently i recently suffered a traumatic head injury. #
  • time to pay the bills. let’s see how far in i get before i need a drink. #
  • bills paid (barely). now time to do my mom’s taxes. i’d better go straight to the single malt scotch. #
  • ok, mom’s taxes done and filed! i think i’ve now paid off that pot roast she made for us last weekend. #
  • <—- commencing real saturday night boozing! #
  • drinking some tasty maine beer: http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/13884/29098 #
  • song remains the same on vh1 classic, breaking out the cheese and crackers and prepping a nice piece of salmon. oh baby! #
  • whoops, made a bit of a boozing faux pas – went from red wine to white. ahh, who cares? let’s have some scotch. #
  • time for dessert! stand back…! #

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March 14, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-14
  • dave letterman told one of my bristol/sarah palin jokes last night! good way to start the day. it’s all downhill from here. #
  • i need to replace my nose hair trimmer. this time i’m not buying a used one. lesson learned. #
  • here’s my sarah/bristol palin joke that dave letterman told last night: http://tinyurl.com/dmyeww #
  • my hair looks like i got up this morning, got swirlied and let it air dry. #
  • time for lunch. gentlemen, start your onions! i have no idea what that means. #
  • attention coworkers: new balance outlet offering 30% discount to us folks. gotta show your ID before ringing up. (thanks @kyanna!) #
  • new IT Underworld caption contest! win a $25 amazon gift card (note: i take bribes): http://tinyurl.com/c9yjsd #
  • time for some low priced, well aged cafeteria coffee. #
  • counting down until beer o’clock! friday afternoons feel like christmas eve. #
  • programming note: due to the ncaa basketball tournament (yawn) dave letterman only has new shows mon-wed of next two weeks. #
  • racing home now to my beer, i mean family. #
  • <— weekend boozing has begun – and it’s still light out! love that. #
  • drinking the follow beer, which @mayaREguru turned me on to: http://tinyurl.com/amnx6l #
  • watching seinfeld with the kids. they love the classics. #
  • the local weatherman just took credit for warm temps coming this weekend. he doesn’t take blame for bad weather. he ain’t fooling me. #
  • ok, in the final stretch of getting the kids in bed. nirvana awaits! #
  • kids crying and whining and generally driving us insane (i.e. normal bedtime). i’ve moved on to red wine. #
  • whoa – just remembered there is canned frosting in the fridge waiting to be polished off. #
  • mmm – chianti and vanilla cake frosting! #
  • the facebook homepage changes ain’t exactly earth shattering. why are you people getting your panties in such a bunch? have a drink. #

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March 13, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-13
  • two words: meatloaf sandwich. counting down the seconds until lunch. #
  • attention WWI buffs: here’s an excellent book on the subject which i just finished by a friend of mine: http://tinyurl.com/bmnqam #
  • just wrote a joke even i don’t get. never a good sign. #
  • Bernie Madoff is still ripping people off. During his hearing today he swindled the paintbrush from the courtroom sketch artist. #
  • i do believe i have found a new career calling: http://tinyurl.com/dxvfad #
  • The guy who threw his shoes at President Bush has been given 3 years in prison. When he heard the news he threw his shoes at his lawyer. #
  • lunch over. now suffering from post-meatloaf sandwich depression. #
  • heading out to meet a college buddy and do a little boozing here: http://www.waldengrille.com/ #
  • drinking beer! It’s my true calling. #
  • i am alone in the kitchen with the brownies. nature is taking its course. #

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March 12, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-12
  • Jessica Simpson has lost a bunch of weight. Friends say she hasn’t dropped this much dead weight since she dumped Nick Lachey. #
  • let’s try this again: amn – just thought a of a great turning the cLocks back joke! i’d write it down and save it for next year. #
  • ok, i’m trying one more time: damn – just thought a of a great turning the cLocks AHEAD joke! i’ll write it down and save it for next year. #
  • dear cafeteria staff: if you refuse to label the salad dressing then you leave me no choice but to lick all the ladles to know what’s what. #
  • Bernie Madoff is going to plead guilty tomorrow. He could get 150 years in prison, but with good behavior he could be out in 100. #
  • got the kids fed. now rewarding myself with a beer. i deserve it. #
  • hey now – bristol palin is available! http://tinyurl.com/cd9neb #
  • mrs chumworth is making brownies. who am i to argue? #
  • i haven’t been able to think straight since november 1, 1999 – the day my first child was born. #
  • just jammed home quit a bit of brownies. that’s gonna go right to my hips. #
  • mrs chumworth on phone planning weekend trip for family. “i need to run it by my husband”. translation: i’ll tell him when we’re going. #
  • Sesame Street laid off 20 percent of its work force this week. It’s the worst news for Bert and Ernie since California banned gay marriage. #

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March 11, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-11
  • going to the dentist this morning. nothing beats having another human being jam his/her latex covered hands in your mouth. #
  • back from the dentist. got a small cavity. time to cut out the blowpops and maple syrup martinis. #
  • A study says Americans are less religious than ever. The Catholic church is so desperate for new members they’ve eliminated 3 commandments. #
  • bill simmons: still the best at melding sports, comedy and pop culture: http://tinyurl.com/bokh37 #
  • Osama bin Laden turns 52 today. You can tell he’s getting older; earlier today he declared jihad against prescription drug companies. #
  • working hard here at home (i.e. drinking beer). #
  • heating up some of the meatloaf i made yesterday. it’s one of the best meatloafs ever. it should be in the meatloaf hall of fame. #
  • fine, i will have some more wine. twist my arm. #
  • it’s official: my hair length has reached the goofy stage again. #

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March 10, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-10
  • 9:26am – i’m ready for lunch. #
  • the six year old has been the nurse twice today, claiming sickness. i wish we had a nurse here at work so i could try that. #
  • yesterday it was 60 and sunny. today is cold and snowing. apparently mother nature is going through “the change” or something. #
  • just whipped together a killer load of meat loaf. nothing beats squeezing out a good loaf. #
  • this changing the clocks has thrown off my drinking. it’s almost 6:00 and i’m way behind. #
  • my six year old has started piano lessons. i’ll give her two months to learn it well enough to make a living at it or she’ll have to quit. #
  • the nine year old is on the phone with a buddy discussing homework. nothing funnier than two nine year olds talking homework. #
  • met a guy named elmer today. i refrained from making the glue joke. see? i have restraint. #

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March 9, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-09
  • time to change the clocks and make the coffee. #
  • lost an hour of life overnight. once upon a time that mattered. #
  • this kid needs an atomic wedgie asap: http://tinyurl.com/ch4pg8 #
  • bills paid. blood pressure up. #
  • just put the canopy on my daughter’s bed. there is no end to my handiness. #
  • trying to not get depressed over all the stuff on the house that needs fixing. sigh. #
  • got a man coming by to talk about tree pruning. still living the dream. #
  • what a nice day. almost makes a man fel happy to be alive. almost. let’s not get crazy. #
  • time for sunday personal grooming! #
  • i am clean and fresh as a daisy! nothing like a shower to make a man feel pretty. #
  • just went food shopping. Nobody – and i do mean nobody – rocks the market like i do. #
  • bought a nice piece of fish for dinner. not that i need any brain food, but, what the hell? it can’t hurt. #
  • mrs chumworth scored us two antique bedside tables today for the low low price of nothing! she gets the prize! #
  • six year old dancing up a storm right now. she’s a natural on the dance floor – like her daddy. #
  • now the nine year old either dancing or having a seizure. hard to tell. #
  • oh god – mrs chumworth is hammering something. #
  • Celebrity birthdays: Barbie turns 50 tomorrow. Barbie is 50, blonde and made mostly of plastic " no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Pam Anderson. #
  • listening to classical music and feeling, frankly, classier! #

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March 8, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 7:53 pm UTC
Barbara Walters, You’re Next!

One of the great things about Twitter is that I’ve made the acquaintance of lots of new, fun and interesting people around the world that I would probably not have otherwise met. One of those people is Sherry Borzo, a very nice lady out in America’s heartland who has an interesting podcast in which she interviews entrepreneurs of various shapes and sizes. Recently, Sherry interviewed yours truly about my joke writing experiences (clearly it was a slow week for her), which was really fun!

If you’d like to know more about the exciting, high paying and oh so sexy world of late night monologue joke freelance writing, then listen here.

Thanks again, Sherry!

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March 8, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 12:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-08
  • the family and i are heading to mom’s house for the day. guess i should put on pants. #
  • my six year old just announced that “farting is my natural thing.” i love that kid. #
  • ok, cramming the family into the car to go mom’s house for the day. this has disaster written all over it. #
  • on the mass pike heading to mom’s. The kids are behaving nicely in the back seat. They must be sick. #
  • i’ve decided to let mrs chumworth drive us to mom’s. Perhaps i will let her drive us home, too. #
  • mom and wife made a point of examining my thinning hair on top. Thanks ladies! #
  • heading home from mom’s. Should be home drinking beer in an hour or so! #
  • back home! i think we all know what time it is. #
  • the bills sign T.O. well, good luck with that. #
  • uh oh – just stumbled on school of rock again. well now i will have watch. #
  • girls watching “school of rock” for the first time. “don’t tell me you kids have never gotten the led out!” ha! classic. #

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March 7, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 12:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-07
  • dropping the little monsters off at school. Better them than me! #
  • drinking … coffee. later on we’ll switch over to something more adult. #
  • ok, time to review jimmy fallon’s monologue from last night. #
  • just ate a small apple. that should be good enough to counteract all the beer and pizza i plan on consuming tonight. #
  • and on the seventh day, god had lunch. specifically, a chicken caesar salad. and it was good. #
  • new IT Underworld cartoon is up! behold and spread the word: http://tinyurl.com/cgvyt9 #
  • god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to not run over the douchebag from that meeting with my car. #
  • <— the weekend beer drinking has begun! praise jesus. #
  • the school nurse called today and said my 6 year old felt sick. turns out she just needed to drop a deuce. that’s my girl, all right. #
  • dear liquor store: thanks for boxing up all that booze i bought tonight but, next time, please don’t use a budweiser box. embarrassing. #
  • watching some made for tv cake competition on the food channel. possibly the dumbest show i’ve ever seen. #
  • a cure for polio? not a bad invention. frozen pizza? a truly brilliant invention. #
  • kids in bed! switching from beer to wine, making pizza, getting ready to watch religulous. bill maher rocks. #
  • i never ever thought i’d say or think the following words: i ate too much pizza. #

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March 6, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 12:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-06
  • i refilled the windshield washer fluid on one of ours cars last night. the line forms to the right, ladies..! #
  • Pres Obama has nominated Craig Fugate to be the new director of FEMA. Once he’s confirmed he’ll immediately be deployed to Wall Street. #
  • gotta squeeze out one more joke for dave then i’m done for the week! #
  • i was getting excited thinking lunch is only 90 minutes away, but then i remembered that i’ll probably just get a salad. excitement gone. #
  • looking forward to survivor tonight. it’s the highlight of my week. if only that was a joke. #
  • more proof god hates me: it is only thursday. #
  • gotta take the girls to a school event tonight. i’m guessing there will be no booze offered for parents. #
  • ok, taking the kids to this school event. they will now owe me for this. like money in the bank! #
  • back from game night at the kids’ school. my girls were trashing talking during bingo. at least they backed it up by winning. #

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March 5, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 12:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-05
  • lots to do today. first up on the to do list: eating this slab of banana chocolate chip bread. #
  • hey look – my interview with @SherryBorzo for her podcast @dsmbuzz is UP! check it out: http://tinyurl.com/bke7vf #
  • A-Rod hurt his hip getting ready for the World Baseball Classic. The Dominican Republic is trying out replacements " and so is Madonna. #
  • time for a blowpop! very exciiting! good lord, how old am i? #
  • gotta go to a meeting that i know is going to raise my blood pressure. this should be fun! #
  • well, i do believe that meeting officially broke my bullshit detector. #
  • i wore a shirt with a collar today, so my nine year old asks “why are you all dressed up?” the little smart ass is definitely mine. #
  • RR: hey look – my interview with @SherryBorzo for her podcast @dsmbuzz is UP! check it out: http://tinyurl.com/bke7vf #

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March 4, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 12:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-04
  • me and this big hunk of banana chocolate chip bread will now an important meeting. #
  • Snoop Dogg announced this week that he’s converted to Islam. He says that five times a day he prays and reads the K’shizzle. #
  • Tonight in New Orleans Britney Spears will kick off her new tour. I don’t want to say expectations are low but FEMA is already on the way. #
  • today i eschewed a salad in favor of a turkey sandwich. that’s right – i just used the word eschewed. #
  • feeling tired thanks to six year old’s middle of the night nightmare. time for afternoon coffee. may dump coffee grounds down pants. #
  • ok, i’m home and ready to be pampered. #
  • ok, still at home and still waiting to be pampered. #
  • still waiting to be pampered. let’s go people! #
  • just ate broccoli – voluntarily. apparently senility has set in early. #
  • kids are in bed. now time for joke writing and cartoon scribbling. that broccoli gave me gas. #
  • it feels good to be writing some britney spears jokes again. it’s been too long! #
  • my six year old is going to start piano lessons. she likes the piano and the boys – just like liberace! #

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March 3, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 12:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-03
  • first part of workout done: a run on the treadmill. second part of workout comes later: shoveling out the f*n driveway. #
  • on the plus side, work is closed! still have to write jokes, though. #
  • my six year old just lost another tooth. the tooth fairy needs a bailout. #
  • waiting for the snow to quit so i can go clear the driveway. i’d rather pluck my nosehairs out. #
  • just submitted an embarrassingly bad bunch of jokes to letterman. #
  • time to snowblow the driveway. if i’m not back in an hour, don’t bother looking for me. #
  • i’m not sure why they call it underwear – these long johns look just fine on their own! #
  • feeding the kids (i.e. spoiling them). #
  • apparently my children are not interested in surviving until easter. #
  • for those who missed it: new IT Underworld cartoon posted! http://tinyurl.com/d7bbzx #
  • about to sew a button back onto my pants. gay factor: extremely high. #
  • ok, you people asked for it. cat in a bong story: http://tinyurl.com/bpg3ud #
  • baking up some chicken! let’s celebrate that with a beer. #
  • waiting for the females to come home and disturb the peace. #
  • kids in bed! it’s a f*n miracle. #
  • headline of the night (from cnn): Man accused of putting cat into bong #
  • simon and garfunkel making me weepy. must be that time of the month. #
  • the tooth fairy just made a delivery to my six year old. i don’t mind doing it but i’m sick of putting on the tutu. #

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March 2, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 12:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-02
  • up with the kids watching wallace and gromit. classic. #
  • pancake and sausage time! #
  • just had a tasty three-way with aunt jemima and jimmy dean. #
  • got to start thinking about writing some jokes again. dave is back on the air this week. #
  • great. it’s already snowing. i don’t remember authorizing snow. somebody will pay for this. #
  • dear mother nature: you suck. #
  • time to clean the crapper. #
  • still snowing. i’m now flipping the bird to mother nature. #
  • wrapping up house cleaning. will need to counteract this behavior with beer drinking later. #
  • sunday afternoon, house cleaning done. i think most of you know what time it is for me now. #
  • all done cleaning all of my nooks and crannies. #
  • foot of snow coming tonight and tomorrow. thank god i made a beer run yesterday! #
  • hey look – the nfl network is showing the steelers big win over the cowboys from this past season! someone tell @douge. #
  • 5:00! time for booze! #
  • making family dinner and abusing my liver, i.e multitasking! #
  • family dinner – always a mistake. #
  • got the shades drawn and am curled up with a drink pretending it is not snowing. #
  • all of a sudden the girls are reading quietly. they must be sick. #
  • school officially canceled for tomorrow. my kids will be going to school in july. #
  • the jokes ain’t flowing tonight. i must need more booze. #
  • just ate some homemade banana chocolate chip bread! i am a better man for it. #
  • time to put the cat to bed. i’m an *not* reading to her tonight. #

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March 1, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 12:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-03-01
  • boiling eggs and blowing my nose. #
  • i’ve lost count of how many eye rolls mrs chumworth has given me this morning… it’s not even 9:00. #
  • look how fine my michelle looks! http://www.nypost.com/seven/02282009/photos/news003a.jpg #
  • time for a shower. alert the media. #
  • time to run some important errands (i.e. get more booze). #
  • back from BJs! i love typing that. #
  • ok, each daughter has a friend over now meaning i am now outnumbered by females here 5 to 1. time to get out of the house. #
  • back from food shopping. no more errands to run and get me out of the girl infested house. time to start boozing. #
  • new IT Underworld cartoon posted! http://tinyurl.com/d7bbzx #
  • <— drinking! feeling manlier. #
  • just cooked up a big steak for the girls. they are devouring it. they’re my girls, alright! i’ll probably have salad for dinner. #
  • all the tests are back from the doctor and he says my liver is in excellent shape! now let’s put that to the test. #
  • the girls are eating dinner and making farting sounds. they really are mine. #
  • the six year old got a radio today. she had it tuned to a country station. i quickly changed it classic rock. whew! #
  • matt cassel ain’t gonna do doodly squat in KC. #
  • switching from beer to white wine or, as i call it, rounding first. #
  • just watched the dark knight again. it was even better than i remember. pure brilliance! #
  • upon further review heath ledger should get another oscar next year for the joker – and that’s not just the booze talking. i swear. #

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