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This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
April 30, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-30
  • let’s the check the headlines and see what shenanigans are going on in the world. #
  • dear comcast: stop offering me deals to make up for losing the nfl network. just keep the nfl network on – or offer me free beer instead. #
  • dear @nytimes: please add share functionality to videos on your homepage. p.s. the minimalist rocks. #
  • this coffee tastes like it was brewed in a dirty ash tray. not bad enough to not finish, mind you, but not great. #
  • i think i could pretty much reduce my entire diet to coffee, pretzels, beer and nilla wafers without a problem. #
  • came home to find that my new sports illustrated AND our new macbook pro had arrived! not sure which is more exciting. #
  • all soccer games in mexico this weekend will be played w/o fans to stop the spread of swine flu. it’ll be just like every u.s. soccer game. #
  • i dig how obama says PAK-EEE-STAN and TAL-EEE-BAN. beats the crap out of NU-CU-LAR. #
  • look at obama cracking wise with the guy from the NYT! well played, sir. #
  • obama just made a battleship reference! battleships rock! one more reason to like him. #
  • Obama said the swine flu is cause for concern but not panic. He said it’s the economy that we should be panicked over. #

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April 29, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-29
  • an old lady cut me off in traffic this morning. hopefully i will outlive her and get the last laugh. #
  • It was so hot today in New York City that down on Wall Street bankers were fanning themselves with their bailout cash. #
  • ok, got an important meeting coming up. better make sure i have the crossword puzzle from the paper. maybe the jumble too. #
  • Still in meeting. Once again suffering douchebag overload. @thowe: i’m out of my special gum. #
  • stuck in another long meeting. Somebody please either call me with an emergency – or just shoot me. #
  • ongoing meeting with high level of douchebaggery is giving me a headache and rash. Could also be swine flu. #
  • this meeting is about to drive me to slice my jugular with my glasses. #
  • home and beering it up! #
  • the nine year old is taking a shower upstairs and singing loudly. just like her daddy… #
  • watching capitals-rangers game 7. rangers unis look classic. capitals unis look dumb. edge: rangers. #
  • is there any more manly job than NHL goaltender? i mean, aside from freelance joke writer? #

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April 28, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-28
  • back at the office after 10 days off. i thought obama was going to fix this sort of thing. #
  • looks like @jimmyfallon is off this week. so, only letterman to write jokes for this week. that makes things easier. #
  • forget the swine flu, the government should declare a public health emergency over NASCAR: http://tinyurl.com/dc8w64 #
  • Regis Philbin will host Who Wants to Be a Millionaire again this summer. The economy is so bad the first contestant will be Donald Trump. #
  • a certain someone is hiding from me today. a smart move! you know who you are. #
  • look at me working late on my first day back in the office. whops – time to go home! #
  • attention, attention: new IT Underworld cartoon posted! http://tinyurl.com/ch95q6 #
  • Former Senator Alfonse D’Amato’s wife is expecting a baby. He’s 71 so, apparently, his doctor does think that Viagra is right for him. #
  • wife: where’s the sunday paper? me: in the recycling. i thought you were done with it. wife (rolling eyes): i wasn’t. me: i’ll go get it. #

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April 27, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-27
  • last morning at camp. In a few hours it’s home to beer! And the cat. #
  • one more meal at camp then we head home! #
  • Lunch done, camp awards given out, car packed – let’s go home! #
  • back home! my beer waiting anxiously at the door for me! #
  • bought fish for dinner. honestly, i probably shouldn’t have any more brain food as my brain is already quite large. but what the hell. #
  • 5:45pm on sunday and i’m having the first beer of the weekend. that’s just wrong. #
  • red sox observations: kevin youkilis always looks like he needs to drop a deuce when he’s batting. plus, david ortiz is done. #

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April 26, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-26
  • we’re up early here at camp bad coffee. Speaking of, let’s go hunt some down. #
  • wait – there’s no tv at this camp! How am i supposed to watch the nfl draft?! #
  • this camp needs a concierge. I could use pampering. #
  • camp breakfast was good! Waffles, sausage, coffee. Now i need a massage. #
  • a glorius summer day here at camp! Sadly, pants are not optional. #
  • this camp is going to cause me to miss penguins-flyers game 6. Somebody better pick up my rooting slack. #
  • the best part of this camp: all the coffee you want. Could be worse. #
  • just applied a beat down to the six year old in go fish. That’s my game. #
  • yeee-haw!!! PENGUINS WIN! Once again western pennsylvania spanks eastern pennsylvania! #
  • just made cookies with chocolate chips, m&ms and green olives. Seriously. Again, i have not had alcohol today. #

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April 25, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-25
  • i’m going to pretend that game last night never happened. #
  • time for the first lawn mowing of the year! #
  • the chumworth – the entire family – are, quite literally, going to camp this weekend. this should be interesting! #
  • Lee Majors turned 70 yesterday. He used to be the Six Million Dollar Man â€" until he met Bernie Madoff. #
  • mrs chumworth tells me i can only bring one pillow to camp this weekend. i’m insisting on two but, honestly, i need three. #
  • my 9 year old sent me an e-card with a cartoon of a guy farting. she’s mine, alright. #
  • trying to get the chumworths all packed up for the weekend camp. may need to bring second car for the gear. #
  • what a glorious day out there! it’s days like this that make a man wonder why god even bothered to create pants in the first place. #
  • car packed. almost ready for takeoff. #
  • here we go – the chumworths are off! next stop: camp chaos or – as i also call it – camp NO BOOZE. dang. #
  • stopped for early dinner at friendlys before arriving at camp. Still living dream. #
  • the camp we’re at is beautiful! I feel like i’m in meatballs. #
  • first night of camp north star wrapped up! Still no sign of bill murray or rudy. #

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April 24, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-24
  • my avatar is back! i no longer feel naked. great way to start the day! #
  • the 9 year old just told the 6 six year old to “pipe down”. golly, i have no idea where she learned that. #
  • ok, here’s the joke i wrote that @jimmyfallon told on tuesday’s late night: http://tinyurl.com/d6swmu #
  • here’s the joke i wrote that @jimmyfallon told on wednesday’s late night: http://tinyurl.com/c5jt2x #
  • Today I did what I do every year after Earth Day: I got up early so I could hit the big day-after-Earth-Day sales. #
  • the nine year old is gone for the day up to grandma’s house. yay! oops, i mean, damn – i’ll miss the little bugger! #
  • Michael Jackson was in a car accident yesterday. Medics on the scene said Michael wasn’t OK â€" but it had nothing to do with the accident. #
  • watching the hbo documentary thrilla in manilla. great stuff. #
  • ok, time to do some yard work. that mulch ain’t gonna spread itself. at least i’m pretty sure it won’t. #
  • quick break from yard work for a few handfuls of cheerios and a big vat of french roast coffee! #
  • yard work done for the day! time to scrub down the chumworth. #
  • i am clean! time for some pre-hockey game beer! #
  • whoa – jay leno taken to hospital: http://tinyurl.com/deatkt #
  • RR: ok, here’s the joke i wrote that @jimmyfallon told on tuesday’s late night: http://tinyurl.com/d6swmu #
  • RR: here’s the joke i wrote that @jimmyfallon told on wednesday’s late night: http://tinyurl.com/c5jt2x #
  • it’s a hockey night in pittsburgh! #
  • michael wilbon on PTI just took the over on 81 wins for the pirates! kornheiser took the under. one more reason to hate kornheiser. #
  • time for one of the flyers to lose a few chicklets. #
  • the flightless waterfowl are swarming! only a matter of time before they score. #
  • who’s the PA announcer at mellon arena? sounds like the same guy from back in the 80s when i was a regular in section D9. #
  • anybody remember back in the day at the civic arena when a team (either team) scoring seven goals meant free chili at wendys? good times. #
  • noooooooooooooo! lucky goal. #
  • GGGGGOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! #
  • shoot. nevermind. #

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April 23, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-23
  • for some reason twitter won’t let me update my pic (must be that time of the month) so i’m going anonymous for a bit. #
  • i feel naked here without my usual avatar. don’t look at me. #
  • looks like i got a joke on jimmy fallon last night! plus, it was jimmy’s favorite (#FJOLN). thanks @jimmyfallon! #
  • writing earth day jokes which, let me tell you, ain’t easy. #
  • we’re going out – as a family – for not one but TWO meals at restaurants today. there’s just no way this won’t end in disaster. #
  • Happy Earth Day! Are you like me? I enjoyed Earth Day more when it was less commercial. #
  • just ate a waffle. #
  • ok, just sent in my jokes to letterman, now to finish up my daily batch of jokes for @jimmyfallon. #
  • uh oh – the 9 year old just noticed that all of the stuffed animals that had been in the barn for donation were finally donated. #
  • well, one of the two kids doesn’t hate me (yet). that counts for something. #
  • the chumworths are venturing out to lunch at a restaurant to see some old friends. god help us. #
  • we seem to have survived family lunch out! It’s a miracle. #
  • lunch has been over for 2 hours and i’m still polishing off the morning pot of coffee. #
  • gotta get new break pads and rotors for the older car. yay! #
  • dinner out is off. mrs chumworth has a doc appointment. i have been left in charge of the kids. somebody beer me, fast! #
  • just fired up ratatouille on demand for the girls (and me). excellent flick. #
  • got dinner on the table for the girls! whew. i deserve a beer. #
  • dear twitter: please let me change my avatar. did i do something to anger you? don’t make me beg. #
  • beer #2. feeling more charming! #
  • watching bruins-candiens. the canadiens deserve to win based on their classic uniforms. #
  • quantum of solace blew. they should’ve quit with the james bond movies after moonraker. #

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April 22, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-22
  • like an idiot i got up early on another vacation day to go running. #
  • loading up the element with a TON of crap to donate to the salvation army. yay! #
  • the rain is messing with me finishing up the mulch spreading in the front yard. time to moon mother nature again. #
  • done spreading mulch for the day. why is it that i work harder on vacation than i do at work? #
  • thanks @jimmyfallon for sending out setups to monologue freelancers! makes life much easier. #
  • after all that yard work i was feeling manly. now i’m watching high school musical with the girls and that feeling is long gone. #
  • getting lubed up for penguins-flyers game 4! #
  • GGGGGOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!! #
  • the goal is good! of course. an excellent call. my compliments to the replay official. #
  • GGGGGGGGGGoAAAAAAAAAAL! beautiful work, boys. #
  • watching the pens spank the flyers while drinking wine, drawing a cartoon and writing jokes. plus, i’m a tad gassy. #
  • the flyers just scored (lucky) and the cat just sneezed on me. not sure which is more annoying. #
  • just remembered that michel dion (my all time favorite penguin goalie) wore #29, just like fluery. that’s a good sign! #
  • empty net goal! we win! well done, fellas. adios flyer fans. go home and sleep it off. #
  • the cat sneezed on me again. apparently she needs claritin. #

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April 21, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-21
  • good news: i’m home all week! bad news: so are the kids! worse news: mrs chumworth went to work today. i’m screwed. #
  • giving the girls a beat down in clue jr. builds character. #
  • apparently being on vacation doesn’t help my joke writing. #
  • Earlier today President Obama held his first cabinet meeting. It all went smoothly, except for when Joe Biden screwed up the coffee order. #
  • just ordered three yards of mulch. does life get better than this? #
  • taking a break from edging. really, i need to pinch myself everyday to remember this isn’t a dream! #
  • 17 Again is the #1 movie. It’s about a grown up man inside a young man’s body but don’t be confused: it’s not about Michael Jackson. #
  • done edging the front yard. now to shower up then the chumworth are heading out to dinner! you’ve been warned. #
  • i can’t be the only person who uses ibuprofen as a recreational drug. #
  • survived family dinner at chilis. 23 ounces of blue moon (for me) helped. #
  • watching vicky christina barcelona. if that scarlett johansson is in it, i will watch. #
  • i’m enjoying viky christina barcelona – and not just because it’s got peneolope cruz in low cut tops. i swear. #
  • look at me, up at 10:30 on a monday night! must be vacation week. no doubt this will make me gassier tomorrow. #

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April 20, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-20
  • if boogers were gold i’d be a rich man right about now. #
  • Madonna was thrown from her horse on Sunday. She’s OK but, just to be safe, for the next six weeks she won’t ride any Yankees. #
  • well, time to trim the old nose hairs. #
  • gotta pack up the family and get back home in time for 3:00 faceoff pens/flyers game 3! #
  • on 95 south heading back to chez chumworth. I could go for pizza. #
  • GAME TIME! let’s spank those pesky flyers! #
  • two cheap goals. they shouldn’t have counted. #
  • GOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!! back to reality, flyers fans. #
  • GOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is game is getting more fun! #
  • yawn. you call that a goal? weak. #
  • nooooooo! clearly the flyers are cheating. #
  • GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!! ain’t over yet. #
  • ok, we’ll let the flyers have this game as an orthodox easter present. but no more! #
  • hey look: new IT Underworld cartoon posted! http://tinyurl.com/dy9l98 #
  • cramming the kids in bed. #

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April 19, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-19
  • i am up and enjoying my legal morning drug: caffeine! #
  • in honor of fleury’s great save in the pens win last night let’s recall frank pietrangelo & THE SAVE from 1991: http://tinyurl.com/cctgv9 #
  • mrs chumworth hornswoggled the bathroom from me right before i was about to shower! #
  • attention ladies: i have now brushed my teeth, showered and put on clean underwear. please form one orderly line. you’ll each get a turn. #
  • gotta go do some clothes shopping. mrs chumworth will supervise, though i don’t need help. i was born with a high fashion sense. #
  • just picked up a whole bunch of sweet clothes and spent far too much coin. Gay activites over; almost time for beer! #
  • taking the six year old for a walk on long sands beach here in york, maine. then home for beer! #
  • back from the beach! time to tie one (or more) on! #
  • getting ready for dinner and birthday celebration for father-in-law. champagne is on tap plus mrs chumworth made a pie! #
  • mrs chumworth made me model all of my new pants and shorts that i bought today. once again i feel like a piece of meat. #
  • ms chumworth and the in-laws and i polished off two bottles of champagne. the old people can party! #

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April 18, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-18
  • thank god for my kids otherwise i might have slept until 7:00. #
  • drinking coffee and boiling eggs, in other words living the dream. #
  • showing my mother-in-law twitter! say hello! (she loves england, by the way). #
  • i’m up, i’m on the compute, i’m writing jokes. this isn’t like a vacation. #
  • honestly, are there any words on a food package that make something sound more appealing than “contains flax”? #
  • A California woman was arrested for peeking into the windows of Britney Spears’ home. She was also charged with kicking the tires. #
  • sitting with my father-in-law. he’s got the radio cranked but there’s more static than music. doesn’t seem to bother him. #
  • just patched up the six year old’s scraped knee. who needs webmd? not me! #
  • what a nice day! watch out ladies: i’m rocking the shorts and showing off my translucent legs! #
  • just taught my kids how to play clue. by “taught” i mean i beat the pants off them. the best way to learn. #
  • waiting to dump the kids in bed then mrs chumworth and i can leave the in-laws in charge and head out to dinner! #
  • back from dinner just in time for penguins-flyers OT! yee ha! #
  • GOOOOAAAALLLL!! we win again! #
  • i love winning! #

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April 17, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-17
  • last day before vacation. one more day to work my magic. #
  • The Yankees open their new stadium today. Everything is freshly painted, shellacked and sanitized â€" and that’s just the hot dogs. #
  • just got a price quote on a car that i requested last july. way to be on the ball people! #
  • one hour left until vacation. not that i’m counting or anything. #
  • about to cram wife and kids in car to head north to maine for the weekend! #
  • the chumworths have made it to maine! drinking beer and eating some sort of spicy, meat based stuff that my MIL made. yummy! #
  • oh god no – oprah on twitter?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! perhaps the navy seals can help prevent this. #
  • on vacation, but still gotta write the jokes. #
  • spicy meat stuff went down nice and smooth, however, it now seems to be leading some sort of uprising in my digestive tract. #

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April 16, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-16
  • stand back – i have oatmeal breath. #
  • gotta go to school this morning to see 9 year old’s pioneer day project. i feel a sore throat coming on. #
  • I finished my taxes today and it was a good year for me. I’m getting a nice bug refund from AIG. #
  • i think my head is officially about to explode – and i’m not enjoying it as much as i thought i would. #
  • the hockey playoffs start tonight! time to start stretching out my gimpy groin so i don’t pull anything at the wrong moment. #
  • it’s a hockey night in pittsburgh! let’s get it on! #
  • GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAALLLLL! #
  • power play! this is fun! #
  • the pens look sharp tonight. looks like my pregame talk really inspired them! #
  • YEEEEEE-HAW! GOOOAAALLLLL!!!!! this is too easy! #
  • what? you can’t elbow a guy in the back of the head without getting a penalty? what is this – ballet? #
  • oh yeah. goal. #
  • when does round 2 start? this series is over. #
  • oh look – another goal! winning is fun! #
  • cheap goal. that should only count for half a point for the flyers. #
  • the penguins win! nice start boys. #
  • NY has a new Archbishop – Timothy Dolan. Yesterday he moved into the Archbishop’s residence and today he waited all day for the cable guy. #

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April 15, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-15
  • woke up at 3:00am and couldn’t sleep so i did the natural thing: went downstairs, watched “semi-pro” and ate cookies. #
  • A man in England fathered a baby using a 22 year old sperm sample. It’s the oldest sperm to father a child other than Larry King’s. #
  • my hair is approaching the larry fine stage of growth, with a touch of kramer on top. #
  • Waiting to pick up our nine year old outside of her school (i.e. Embarrass her in front of her buddies). #
  • Madonna bought a townhouse on the Upper East Side of New York City for $40 million. It comes with 14 bathrooms, 13 bedrooms and 10 orphans. #
  • dinner is looking like red wine, cheerios and chocolate cake. #
  • just about time to flush another day of life down the crapper. #

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April 14, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-14
  • In NYC this week they’re having the annual auto show. The economy is so bad that the hottest car at this year’s show is a 92 Geo Metro. #
  • back to the joke writing this week for dave and jimmy. if you can call these things jokes. #
  • apparently today is fat-guys-with-droopy-pants-and-hat-on-sideways-day at dunkin donuts. #
  • Mel Gibson’s wife has filed for divorce. I think we all know who he’s going to blame for this. #
  • it’d be nice to get through one day without hearing one of the kids blubbering over something. parenthood! #
  • my super bowl XLIII champion steeler christmas tree ornaments came today! may need to put the tree up early this year. #

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April 13, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-13
  • hold it down – the easter bunny has a hangover. #
  • the kids can’t find one of the plastic, candy-filled eggs we hid last night and we can’t remember where it is. oh well. #
  • mrs chumworth is whipping up a large easter feast! i’m in charge of opening the booze. #
  • mrs chumworth announced she’s making chocolate cake. i announced “i get to lick something!” that came out wrong. #
  • i just found the last (missing) easter egg! it was right out in the open. sherlock holmes my kids ain’t. #
  • Dave Arneson, one of the creators of Dungeons and Dragons, died last week at the age 61. Appropriately, there were no women at his funeral. #
  • total punk move by josh beckett, throwing at abreu’s head. in other news, mrs chumworth is prepping the pork roast! #
  • breaking out the fine china for easter dinner! also gonna use the good crystal for my beer. #
  • neighbor’s kid almost broke one of my barn windows with a baseball. i need to get a dog to send over and crap on his lawn. #
  • 7:30 and i’m ready for bed. pathetic. #
  • hitting the sack with a bellyful of pork, chocolate cake and white wine. #

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April 12, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-12
  • gonna pull an audible here and do some house cleaning today instead of tomorrow. i’m unpredictable like that. it’s just the way i roll. #
  • the nine year old has a zit. she was kind enough to show it to me up close. kids are gross. #
  • RR: ok comedy writers, another $25 amazon gift card is up for grabs in an IT Underworld carton caption contest: http://tinyurl.com/ct2rb8 #
  • commencing bathroom cleaning. queue the beethoven… #
  • the newman’s coffee at mcdonald’s good – especially with a dollop of secret sauce. #
  • bills paid, house clean. i have now begun to consume adult beverages! #
  • starting off the evening with an old standby, sierra nevada pale ale. #
  • drinking beer and watching baseball. watch out – the testosterone level is way up! #
  • moved on now to ipswich IPA. i’m becoming more charming! #
  • nine year old is sleeping in six year old’s room tonight. this will only end in disaster. #
  • we’ve moved on to white wine. mrs chumworth is heating up mini chocolate chip waffles. the night is getting stranger! #
  • easter eggs hidden for the kids to find in the morning. the easter bunny was a bit loaded when he hid them, so bear with us. #

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April 11, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-11
  • it’s good friday. yawn. every friday is good in my book. #
  • i finally found a solution to the spinning beach ball problem with my macbook: i just give it a good whack and it stop spinning! easy! #
  • PETA has asked the Pet Shop Boys to change their name to the Rescue Shelter Boys.They’ve also asked them to stop making music. #
  • here’s a classic: the song i tell my 6 year old she’s named after. won’t tell her what it’s about until she’s 21: http://tinyurl.com/dgw53d #
  • ok comedy writers, another $25 amazon gift card is up for grabs in an IT Underworld carton caption contest: http://tinyurl.com/ct2rb8 #
  • time to go home and tap into a beer or four. #
  • <— doing some of this with this: http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/162/259 #
  • girls are upstairs accusing each other of farting. they’re mine, alright. #
  • just made a big salad for dinner. clearly i am loaded. #
  • my girls got their american girl dolls ears pierced today. next thing you know the dolls will be getting tattoos. #
  • watching bill maher interview gore vidal. i had no idea gore vidal has been dead for some time. #

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April 10, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-10
  • happy birthday to my mom today! she’s getting presents but, honestly, wasn’t having me really the greatest present of all? #
  • the howard stern show is officially trying out twitter (@sternshow)! this should be good. #
  • is it wrong to expect free coffee and donuts at a company meeting about how bad things are and impending cutbacks and layoffs? #
  • just as i thought: no free coffee or donuts at company financial update/layoffs meeting. so i left. #
  • boy, do my buttocks hurt from sitting (again) all day. #
  • home with my beloved beer – er, i mean family! #
  • heating up leftover chili and drinking beer. life could be worse. #
  • me and my bellyful of four day old chili are getting into bed to read. can anybody say “dutch oven”? #

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April 9, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-09
  • remembered to zip up my fly before heading to work this morning. today is already going better than yesterday. #
  • 9:28am – good lord the day is dragging. #
  • i’m having a strong urge to call somebody a nimrod. waiting to see who’s gonna step up to the plate and earn it. #
  • 10:34am – ready as hell for lunch, and/or happy hour. #
  • great. ncaa basketball tournament finally over and now i have to put up with the masters. yawn. #
  • i’ve been extra bummed out all day. that’s what i get for watching the deer hunter (again) before bed. i’ll need some comedy tonight. #
  • having chili (again) tonight. best sleep with the windows open. #
  • i must say i am enjoying the new mlb channel, though the why the hell don’t we get it in HD? pres obama needs to fix this. #
  • my pirates are spanking the cardinals! time to start making plans for attending the world series in the burgh. #

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April 8, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-08
  • good to see my pirates are 1-0 and in first place! time to start calculating their magic number. #
  • just ate a banana. not sure why monkeys love these things so much. #
  • how come the salad bar doesn’t offer chili and/or beef jerky for toppings? #
  • RT @popgloss: Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are splitting (http://tr.im/iniB). that’s sad. is it too early to hit on her? #
  • mrs chumworth once again heading out for the evening, leaving me alone with … THEM. #
  • one kid in bed, only one more to go until nirvana is reached! #

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April 7, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-07
  • happy birthday to my big sister who turns 45 today! yep, hard to believe that someone as young looking as me has a sister who’s 45. #
  • both dave letterman and jimmy fallon in reruns this week! wow, that means no joke writing. vacation! #
  • i swear, ever since the economy went in the toilet i’ve been gassier. #
  • Yesterday North Korea launched a satellite which failed to reach orbit. Officials blamed the failure on projectile dysfunction. #
  • sometimes thinking cause physical pain. that’s normal, right? #
  • blood pressure rising. i blame my parents for not being rich which requires me to come to work which causes the aforementioned rise in BP. #
  • red sox postpone home opener – AWESOME! i don’t need you yahoos messing with my commute home. i mean more than you usually do. #
  • it’s raining like hell outside. good thing i drove the ark to work. #
  • here i go out into the rain to drive home. if i’m not back online in 2 hours, call the coast guard. #
  • mrs chumworth out at a meeting leaving me alone with the squirts. may need to call 911 – or the supernanny. #

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April 6, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-06
  • watching spongebob with the girls. lordy, do i ever love the s’bob. #
  • coffee high finally kicking in! thank god. #
  • commencing topless housecleaning. good for the soul. #
  • scrubbing bubbles work like a charm getting the grime off the tub – and the kids! #
  • i clean the bathroom; mrs chumworth cleans the nine year old’s room. i’ll take that trade off any day. #
  • honestly, what percentage of you people on twitter are in PR? must be 95%. but i love my twitter PR buddies! #
  • mrs chumworth just made buttermilk chocolate chip pancakes! she gets a prize for that. #
  • the house is clean! i am not. time to rectify that. #
  • just got done shredding old financial documents. that’s not a job for a woman. #
  • sunday beer is tapped! now making a big vat of chili con carne. #
  • first night of the baseball season! praise jesus. #
  • the good news is i’m almost recovered from saturday night. the bad news is that means it’s almost monday. #
  • we first put a man on the moon almost 40 years ago and to this day there’s still no way to block golf from appearing on my TV. #

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April 5, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-05
  • gotta take the cat to the vet. this time i refuse to cover the co-payment for her. #
  • the cat has lost some weight. Vet wants a blood test. That means my wallet is about to lose some weight. #
  • done paying the bills. now time to shower and desperately try to scrub the scent of financial failure off of me. #
  • taking the girls to their first pro hockey game tonight! i’ll give them a lesson in mooning the opposition. #
  • there should be a constitutional amendment to ban trifold wallets. real men use duofold. #
  • the chumworths are heading to a minor league game. This has total disaster tattooed all over it. #
  • in the beer line at hockey game. Gonna get some red hook for me and mrs chumworth. #
  • first period – and first beer – over. Time for another beer and period #2! Mrs chumworth is driving home. #
  • <— home from the hockey game. we had a blast! kid now in bed. time for saturday night boozing! #
  • well, there it is. #

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April 4, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-04
  • dark and foggy for my run north of boston this morning. i made sure to keep clear of the moors. #
  • the good news: i dropped the girls off at school this morning. the bad news: we have to pick them up later. #
  • A court in Malawi has rejected Madonna’s request to adopt a girl. She hasn’t been rejected like that since A-Rod dumped her for his mirror. #
  • my baseball team lost to a community college. when do the steelers open training camp? http://homerderby.com/archives/4075 #
  • whoo doggy do i deserve a beer or five this weekend. yeesh. #
  • well, that commute home sucked the big one, which explains why i am boozing, as my pic indicates. #
  • pull into gas station: check. stop car, hold keys in teeth: check. spend 5 minutes looking around the car for my keys like a dumbass: check! #
  • hey look – new It Underworld cartoon is up! keyword: PORN: http://tinyurl.com/c7c8aw #
  • about to open beer #2. i am hoisting this one for the fine folks on the iowa supreme court. well done, people! #
  • pineapple express = genius. no surprise. #

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April 3, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-03
  • i don’t care how old it was, that was one fine raspberry filled donut. #
  • Angelina Jolie has offered to donate money to the Octomom. She’s very generous. She also offered to steal a husband for her. #
  • just googled “swabbing the poop deck.” don’t ask. #
  • finally, something good comes of the crappy economy: http://tinyurl.com/ctx3h4 #
  • coffee? yes, indeed, don’t mind if i do. i am now tweeting to myself. i need help. #
  • honestly, it should be friday today. thursday’s just not working out for me. #
  • programming note: david letterman is in reruns next week. that means only show will be rejecting my jokes next week! #
  • Scientists say that Jupiter’s Great Red Spot is shrinking. In response Jupiter said it wasn’t shrinking it was just really cold out. #
  • i am not used to writing jokes on a thursday night. still getting used to it. need more booze to get the comedy juices flowing. #
  • jay cutler traded to the bears? good luck with that. #
  • oh my god – there’s a special version of sports illustrated just devoted to GOLF? i assume it’s used for torturing people in gitmo. #
  • The Hollywood Wax Museum is selling 200 celebrity wax figures. The Michael Jackson is waxy, pasty & poorly carved â€" i.e. totally lifelike. #

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April 2, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-02
  • can’t get “girls just want to have fun” out of my head this morning. considering calling 911. #
  • today my nine year old enters the wonderful world of standardized testing. Good luck with that, kiddo! #
  • just changed an empty toilet paper roll in the work bathroom. that is NOT in my job description! wait, i’d better double check that. #
  • spotted a cigarette butt receptacle outside the building ON FIRE today and notified the authorities. i deserve a medal, raise and promotion. #
  • continuing my day of heroic work activities (changing TP role, spotting fire in cig receptacle), just got myself large coffee! #
  • just got both kids with an april fool’s joke! heh heh heh. never challenge the master. #
  • to the lady i accidentally crop dusted in CVS today: my apologies. it really was accidental. #
  • The gov’t raised the tax on a pack of cigarettes from $.39 to $1.01. More bad news for smokers: they also raised the tax on lung cancer. #
  • my sports illustrated baseball preview issue is here! time to dim the lights, put on the barry white and let nature take its course. #

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April 1, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-04-01
  • Pres. Obama arrives in London today for the G20 summit. He’s already a big hit in London; unlike Bush at least he can speak the language. #
  • about to eat a three day old donut. #
  • A JetBlue luggage handler fell asleep in a cargo bin in NY and woke up in Boston. He said the worst part was he supposed to wake in Detroit. #
  • this banana is so small i am embarrassed for it. #
  • it’s left over mish-mash for lunch. stomach, prepare to be underwhelmed. #
  • i take back that last tweet: the left over mish-mash lunch rocked! i am a genius! #
  • in a meeting which is awash in doucebaggery. #
  • sweet lord, i didn’t bring nearly enough anti-douchebag gum to get through this meeting. #
  • so endeth one more of those meetings that is driving me to drink. #
  • here’s my michelle looking tasty and showing leg in london: http://tinyurl.com/d3x464 #
  • time to write jokes, draw cartoon and generally waste time – in between wine drinking. #
  • just got my first email from my 9 year old. she now has an email address. dear god help me. #
  • An Ohio man was arrested for DUI on a motorized bar stool. Police say he flunked the first test for DUI: driving a bar stool. #

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