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This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
May 31, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-31
  • on the porch drinking coffee, reviewing headlines, looking forward to saturday night beer and hockey! #
  • ok, looks like we can pay the bills this week! won’t have to sell one of the kids. #
  • taking the kids to the police station. i’ve been wanting to do this for years. #
  • time to mow the lawn! pinch me. #
  • having some pre-hockey coffee, before pre-hockey beer. also on tap later: champagne! to celebrate new job. #
  • it is time (makes beer drinking gesture). #
  • i will be able to take the commuter rail to my new job. that’s one less car on the I93/128 each day. you’re welcome, boston. #

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May 30, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-30
  • this should be an interesting day. let’s commence getting it over with. #
  • where’s the sun? i really need some sunshine today. #
  • i’m always calling the girls lollygaggers, so i showed them the lollygagger scene from bull durham: http://tinyurl.com/2l6gnr classic! #
  • two jokes down, eight to go for @jimmyfallon. not that any will get used, but whatever. #
  • hanging christmas lights on the porch. is it too early? #
  • Congrats to 13 yr-old Kavya Shivashankar who won the National Spelling Bee last night. She won by successfully spelling “Shivashankar.” #
  • six jokes down, four to go in 30 minutes. in between snacking and bathroom breaks. #
  • Happy birthday to LaToya Jackson who turns 53 today. People say she’s the craziest of the Jackson girls " other than Michael. #
  • attention nerds: new IT Underworld cartoon posted! tell yer buddies: http://tinyurl.com/nna3px #
  • just ate a whole can of beans. stay back. #
  • happiness is a basement fridge full of harpoon IPA! #
  • looks like i will actually have to go to work on monday! #
  • <— friday beer consumption has begun! #
  • mrs chumworth is happy that i will be gainfully employed once again starting on monday. #
  • remember that whole can of beans i ate for lunch? well, so does my colon. #
  • watching “tropic thunder”, finally! #

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May 29, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-29
  • time to take the little goofballs to school. one of my true talents. #
  • what’s with these alternating hold and cold weather flashes? is mother nature going through “the change”? #
  • girls at school; joke writing for @jimmyfallon commencing… #
  • 50 yrs ago today 2 monkeys became the first U.S. animals to fly in space. Here’s how far we’ve come: today, an ape is gov. of California. #
  • spending entirely way too much time on this cartoon here. cartooning would be easier if i could actually draw! #
  • ordering replacement parts for the grill. dream still being lived. #
  • The final round of the National Spelling Bee takes place tonight. The stakes are high: the winner will get $40,000 and a lot of wedgies. #
  • may as well clean the porch. sorry ladies – too cold to do it topless. #
  • guess i gotta go get the girls from school – unless somebody can get me out of it. #
  • girls home! plus one friend. plus mrs chumworth. it’s a party! #
  • once again i am being sorely tested. #
  • watching jerry maguire yet again. i can’t not watch. #
  • just ate chocolate. the evening can only go downhill from here. #
  • growing the beard back and it’s itchy as hell. either that or i have fleas. #

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May 28, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-28
  • once again trying to get the girls ready for school. i need a whip and a chair for this. #
  • girls dumped at school (lovingly, of course). now in the quiet house for some joke writing. #
  • just wrote a joke that stinks like a fine french cheese. i’m embarrassed for myself just reading it. #
  • fact: “urinal cake” is a funny term. #
  • Elvis’s old pill bottles are going up for auction. They’re authentic because they have his name on them and they’re covered in rhinestones. #
  • every wednesday the kids get out of school at 12:45. why must we parents be punished so? #
  • at target buying flip flops for the girls. Somebody is going to end up in tears. Probably me. #
  • six year old is practicing the piano; the nine year old is doing math homework and the 39 year old is drawing a cartoon. good times! #
  • making brown rice. that i’ll actually eat. later. for dinner. i need help. #
  • gotta go to open house at the girls’ school. that sounds formal (i.e. i need to put on pants). #
  • back from the elementary school open house. it was fun but, frankly, i was disappointed there was no booze. why am i paying taxes?! #

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May 27, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-27
  • 8:35am – two hours to whip up 10 jokes for @jimmyfallon. on your mark, get set… GO! #
  • A children’s clown in WV was arrested on Friday for DUI. Police say she failed a field sobriety test: she couldn’t make a balloon dog. #
  • gotta go pick the girls up from school. i think it’s a law or something. #
  • watching six yeard old’s gym class on school fields. Priceless! #
  • mrs chumworth just bought a live animal trap to catch the rabbit which is living on our property. heads up, bugs. #
  • just to clarify, since people are confused: the rabbit will be caught LIVE and moved without being harmed. lucky rabbit! #
  • time for a pre-hockey game beer! #
  • judge sotomayor has type 1 diabetes – you go girl! http://tinyurl.com/o8xdov #
  • this sierra nevada pale ale just ain’t cutting it. need some harpoon ipa! #
  • i, for one, am ready for some hockey! #
  • gogogogogogogogogoAAAAALLLL!!!!!!!! wheeeee! hahahahahaha! #
  • YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! gogogogogogogogogogoal! sorry canes, your summer is about to begin. #
  • i love winning! it is better – and more fun! – than losing. #
  • rabbit trap set. come to papa, little bunny. #
  • well, lookeee there – another GOAL!!!!!! ain’t this fun? #
  • i love baseball, but it never looks slower or more boring than when you switch to it from playoff hockey. #
  • GOAL! it is finished. #
  • ok, time to go beat another team in red! #

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May 26, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-26
  • mrs chumworth and i sneaking out to breakfast – without kids! #
  • breakfast complete. now have an hour to write 10 jokes for jimmy fallon. #
  • it’s a picture perfect morning here in southern maine! the thought of wearing pants has not even crossed my mind. #
  • nine jokes for @jimmyfallon down, one to go…! #
  • Elizabeth Taylor has started using Twitter. She’s already got several thousand followers " and those are just her ex-husbands. #
  • she what happens when i rush the jokes (see previoius tweet). oh well – jokes for jimmy fallon done and submitted! #
  • joke writing done. time now to shower up, down and all around. #
  • time to cram the family in the car and head back home. #
  • in the car heading back home. I’m letting mrs chumworth drive. She’s a bit of a lead foot. #
  • back home! food shopping done. now to pay some bills. then beer! #
  • well, now, here ends one crazy holiday weekend. #
  • dear twitter: don’t do this reality tv show thing. it’s got disaster written all over it (http://tinyurl.com/qe2jof). #

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May 25, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-25
  • father-in-law is dropping some good tales on me this weekend. this morning: naval stories! #
  • trying to decide what to do up here in maine today. doesn’t matter much to me so long as beer drinking is involved at some point. #
  • taking the kids to the fun-o-rama: http://www.flickr.com/photos/yumikid/2790287497/ remember, you can’t spell “fun-o-rama” without “fun”! #
  • back from the fun-o-rama! it was more rama than fun this time around. #
  • dave letterman is off this week; jimmy fallon is not. still gotta write some jokes! #
  • just had way too much trouble beating the nine year old in table hockey. this is the beginning of the end. #
  • just watched righteous kill – pacino and deniro. pacino looks like death warmed over. or microwaved. either way, old. #

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May 24, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-24
  • a fine morning in maine! my MIL caught a mouse; she traps them lives and relocates them. the mice are lucky it’s not my house. #
  • RR: looking forward to microsoft 7? me neither. in either case, check out my new IT Underworld cartoon: http://tinyurl.com/oj3hcd #
  • hey, the red wings lost last night! awesome! nice job, blackhawks! #
  • breakfast: hard boiled egg white on a poppy bagel plus OJ and coffee. oh yeah and froot loops. same thing einstein had every morning. #
  • dear tom brady: there are these things called condoms. use them. dumbass. http://tinyurl.com/razdlv (RT @mikerass) #
  • i mean, honestly, knocking up gisele bundchen must be considered an international crime against humanity. what a shame. #
  • i do believe some animal flesh will be getting marinated and grilled later today. #
  • i’m choosing not to shave this weekend. danger is my business! #
  • father-in-law must be feeling better: he’s got me hauling granite stones around outside the house. #
  • just took the girls to a playground. Now going for ice cream. Boy, do they owe us. #
  • <— i’m beer-laxing! #
  • just about time to light the grill! stand back – we’re using charcoal. #
  • grill lit. eyebrows still intact! #
  • meat is on the grill. do i stick with beer or switch to wine? hmmm… #
  • penguins-canes tied 1-1. this series is over. #
  • GGGOOOAAALLLALALALALALALALALA! #
  • another GGOOOAAAALLLALALALALALALALA! the comrade scores again! wheeeeeee!!!!!! #
  • i love nilla wafers like manny ramirez loves female fertility drugs. #
  • whoa whoa whoa!!!!! GOOAAALLALALALALALA! russian to russian! i’m embarrassed for the poor canes. #
  • EMPTY NET GOAL!!!! series over. #
  • hey look – we scored AGAIN! i’m enjoying this! #
  • time to get in my penguins feet pajamies. #

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May 23, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-23
  • the girls have been up for an hour and have had three big fights. that’s what we call a calm morning around here! #
  • after a little chat, the annoying neighbor is now dumping pool chemicals on somebody else’s property. good enough. #
  • time to go do some lawn work. it’s sunny out, so i’ve liberally applied sunblock to my nipples. #
  • gonna go mow the penguins logo into my front yard as a surprise for mrs chumworth. she’ll love it! #
  • good lord i stink. #
  • George W. Bush said yesterday that he’s enjoying retirement. He said he hasn’t felt this relaxed and carefree since he was president. #
  • looking forward to microsoft 7? me neither. in either case, check out my new IT Underworld cartoon: http://tinyurl.com/oj3hcd #
  • today i told my kids they “misremembered” something. roger clemens: the gift that keeps on giving! #
  • packing up the chumworth family to head to maine and in-laws house for ling weekend. the beer is packed! #
  • i am being sorely tested today. #
  • the chumworths have made it to maine! now drinking beer… #
  • currently drinking this (yes, new hampshire beer, but we’re real close to NH here in southern maine): http://tinyurl.com/oaq8b9 #
  • wait – shipyard is maine beer! i forgot. scratch that last tweet. #
  • the beer is going down smooth and easy! #
  • <— relaxing! #

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May 22, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-22
  • 7:22am and the kids are fighting. what took them so long? #
  • it’s the most wonderful time of the day: time to dump the kids at school! #
  • at the school playground waiting for the morning bell. Hordes of little goofballs all around me. #
  • nice and quiet here in the house without the kids. or it was until the cat started snoring. #
  • the annoying neighbor is draining chemicals from his pool onto my property. looks like it’s time to put some sugar in his gas tank. #
  • my FIL just got out of the hospital after 2+ weeks and bought himself a 50″ plasma TV. a little longer and it might’ve been a sports car. #
  • here in my town pet smart just opened a new store right across the street from petco. IT’S ON!!!! #
  • took the kids out for ice cream. now they love me. parenting is easy! #
  • to be honest, i’m enjoying this not going to work thing. #
  • uh oh – the six year old got into mommies perfume. glad i’m not her. #
  • the house smells like perfume and rubber cement. #
  • my groin is all oiled up and ready to go for pens-hurricanes game 2! #
  • ok penguins – i am ready! dazzle me! #
  • GGGGOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hot damn! sid the kid rocks. #
  • how dare the hurricanes score. unacceptable. #
  • goal. goal. GOALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!! the russian bangs it home! well done, comrade! #
  • well now that goal shouldn’t count. #
  • clearly the penguins are toying with the hurricanes (BTW, what a douchebag team name) like a cat toys with a mouse. #
  • the nine year old is a big time lollygagger. always has been. always reminds me of this classic scene: http://tinyurl.com/2l6gnr #
  • wow. how did the hurricanes make it this far with such a crappy power play? clearly they have compromising pics of gary bettman. #
  • GGGGOOOAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!! wheeeeeeee! #
  • another GOOOOAAALLLL!!!!!! winning is fun! #
  • GOOAAAALLLLLLL!!!! the russian does it again! dasvedanya, comrade! #
  • HOLY CRAP! how do you say “hat trick” in russian? or “hard nipples”? #
  • sorry canes fans – you can’t beat us when our big comrade is rolling. #
  • BIG SAVE!!!!! i’m getting all hot and bothered here. #
  • hey look, another GGOOOAAALLLLL!!!! empty net. just as sweet. hooo doggy this is fun! #
  • you know, back in the day, when a team socred 7 goals in the civic (mellon) arena that meant free chili for everybody. good times. #
  • BRAWL!!!!!! #
  • well, we won those fights! nice job, canes. #
  • what a great game! time for my beauty sleep. #

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May 21, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-21
  • trying to get the girls ready for school. i refuse to braid their hair. i’m far too manly for such a thing. #
  • 1:44pm. i’m ready for bed. #
  • i have a headache. i’m assuming it’s swine flu. #
  • A-1 sauce – i love it; i want to marry it. #
  • mrs chumworth is gallavanting around manhattan today whilst i’m home caring for the kiddos. i am a saint. #
  • 8:44pm. i’m ready for bed. #

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May 20, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-20
  • got no jokes written last night. now i have two shows to whip up jokes for this morning. this stress isn’t good for my complexion. #
  • i can hear the live in nephew of my annoying neighbor starting up his stupid HUMMER outside. good lord. #
  • Mel Gibson’s girlfriend is pregnant. Mel says he doesn’t care whether it’s a boy or a girl just so long as the baby isn’t Jewish. #
  • time to get the car serviced. still living dream. #
  • my car is getting lubed. Lucky car. #
  • car lubed, chumworth not. we’ll fix that later. #
  • i made breakfast, lunch and dinner for the kids today! sweet lord is there any end to how much i rock? i think not. #
  • Celebrity birthdays: Cher turns 63 tomorrow. Cher has the body of a much younger woman " and the receipts to prove it. #
  • let’s go blackhawks! the red wings can’t lose by enough, far as i’m concerned. #
  • mrs chumworth heading to NYC for the day tomorrow, meaning i get the kids from DAWN to DUSK. trying not to cry. #
  • watching the deadliest catch. sure, crab fishing in the bearing sea looks tough – but try freelance joke writing. THAT takes balls. #
  • blackhawks-red wings in OT. here’s hoping the wings go down in flames – or at least that marian hossa takes a slapper to the grill. #
  • well, the red wings won, unfortunately. but, hey, there’s still hope that hossa will get the swine flu! #

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May 19, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-19
  • here i am not at work! still gotta write the jokes, though. that never ends. #
  • cleaning off the 10 year old windows 98 desktop. the thing still runs fine. strange. #
  • monday/friday late show jokes sent to dave letterman. now, to whip out some jimmy fallon jokes… #
  • A London man was arrested for trying to hire a prostitute for his 14 yr old son. On the bright side he’s a shoo-in for Father of the Year. #
  • about to dig into leftover indian food for lunch. dim the lights, queue the barry white… #
  • time to get all dolled up. #
  • here i am sitting in boston common wearing a suit. Something’s not quite right. #
  • GGGGGGGOOOAAALLLLL! 2-0! This is fun! #
  • i was out to dinner with a buddy. now back home in time for the third period. pants have been discarded. #
  • my head is finally going to explode. i mean it this time. #
  • GOOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLLL!!!!!! yeeeeee-owza! time to dance naked around the living room. #
  • pffffft. total chick goal, that. if the canes had any pride they’d refuse to accept it. #
  • YAHOOO! we win! sweet. #

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May 18, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-18
  • drinking coffee and watching the spongebob. #
  • time to spruce up the house a bit. #
  • topless house cleaning has commenced! then, later, to the mall for some clothes shopping. today’s gayness level: HIGH! #
  • i’m blaring sgt pepper on the computer while the six year old is playing dave brubeck on her cd player. it’s musical chaos! #
  • new IT Underworld cartoon posted! please RT and tell your neighbors: http://tinyurl.com/o828br #
  • the house is clean, but the chumworth ain’t. time to fix that. #
  • paying visa bill that includes new brake job on car and new macbook pro. now have shooting pains down left arm. can’t breath. #
  • mrs chumworth and i are heading to the mall. who’s living the dream? we are! #
  • looking for new shoes. Not having any luck. Need beer soon. #
  • time to grill some chicken! #
  • since i don’t start my new job until next week, i guess technically i’m currently employed! pants will not touch this bod this week. #
  • sweet crap, i have not hardly written any jokes today. gotta get to it. #
  • RR: new IT Underworld cartoon posted! please RT and tell your neighbors: http://tinyurl.com/o828br #

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May 17, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-17
  • just realized i can’t check work email anymore. i feel naked! could also be the lack of pants. #
  • time to go decapitate the grass. #
  • gotta go to BJs today. insert dirty joke here. #
  • holy crap – BJ’s now sells beer/wine/liquor! Yeee-haw! Mostly crap beer, though. #
  • just back from 6 year old’s first piano recital. it was really great! my only complaint: no booze served. oh well. #
  • <— the bar be open! #
  • sweet lord, i forgot all about the greg kihn band. #
  • song remains the same on vh1 classic. never gets old. let’s take this up a notch…! #
  • just watched slumdog millionaire. yeah, it’s very well done and all but it eating raoul it wasn’t. #

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May 16, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-16
  • ok, time to drop off our “bundles of joy” (always cracks me up to say that) at school – then off to my final day at current job! #
  • here we go – sitting in the captain’s chair at mission control for one last day. after 7 years this chair knows my butt all too well. #
  • Madonna and her 22 year-old boyfriend Jesus Luz are reportedly ready to make things legal. They’re not getting married " she’s adopting him. #
  • packing up last bit of office crap. #
  • time to get the hell out of here…! #
  • wow – i was certainly treated well on my last day at work! like a princess – wait, i mean a king. a king! #

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May 15, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-15
  • appropriately, my commute (both ways) has sucked the big one this final week at my job. #
  • SCORE! @jimmyfallon told one of my jokes last night! wheeeee!!!! ka-ching! #
  • here’s my joke that jimmy fallon told last night: http://tinyurl.com/r8t7zn #
  • just used “cheap floozy” in a joke. an underused phrase, these days. #
  • time for a farewell lunch! make mine liquid. #
  • my next to last day at the current job and people are giving me actual work. unacceptable! #
  • neil diamond was never quite my cup of tea, but i always enjoy this performance: http://bit.ly/bgrWZ #
  • time for a bob moment! pure brilliance from 1964: http://bit.ly/TqFVd #
  • [Utterli] http://bit.ly/QCgFE #
  • it’s ok to call in sick on your last day of work, right? #
  • got my clothes picked out for last day of work tomorrow: boxer shorts, shirt, socks, shoes. yep, that should do it. #

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May 14, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-14
  • three more days at the current job and it still makes me as gassy as ever. #
  • trying to write jokes for two shows each day really is going to make my head explode – and not in a good way. #
  • wait – starbucks is a chain? #
  • it’s a hockey night in pittsburgh! let’s rock and roll! #pens #
  • my groin is properly stretched and ready for game 7! it’s on! #pens #
  • STUFFFFFFFFED! ha! nice save, fleury! #pens #
  • ggggggOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!! nice start, boys. #pens #
  • WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! another GOOOAAALLLL!!!! holy smoke! #pens #
  • wait – i was kissing the kids good night. what happened? GOOOAAALLLL!!!! yay! this if fun! #pens #
  • HOLY CRAP! ANOTHER GOALLLL!!!!!! am i dreaming this? #pens #
  • goal! boy, this is getting embarrassing for the caps. poor bastards. but hey, better them than us! #pens #
  • GGGOOAAALLALALALALALA! i am giddy with excitement! #pens #
  • game over. nice job, boys! #pens #
  • boy, that was an easy win! well, i deserve it. #pens #
  • time to put on my penguin jammies and hit the sack. #

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May 13, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 8:20 am UTC
LATE NIGHT with JIMMY FALLON

Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart got engaged.

He surprised her by getting down on one knee, popping the question and slipping a diamond ring around her waist.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

You can also watch the video of the entire show here.

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May 13, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-13
  • four hours of sleep. stay out of my way today. you’ve been warned. #
  • see, i’m not crazy! http://tinyurl.com/pfav8n #
  • here’s my joke that david letterman told last night: http://www.chumworth.com/2009/05/11/3801/ #
  • dear god: i don’t ask for much, but today, just this once, please, let me find a million dollars on the sidewalk. #
  • three days left at current job after today. first of the farewell lunches is up next! #
  • somebody bought me beer! and not just any beer – GOOD beer! you know who you are. thanks! #
  • ok, i’m ready to be done with this job. gotta play out 3 more days, though. #
  • i do believe i will go home now. why the hell not? #

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May 12, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-12
  • beginning last week at my current job! one thing i’ll miss: 1,000 HP toilet flushing power. one thing i won’t miss: waterless urinals. #
  • filling out exit interview questionnaire. wonder if i can attach supporting evidence, like photocopies of certain body parts? #
  • exit interviewed now delayed an hour. that’ll give me more time to drink coffee and get the blood flowing. #
  • The Pope is in Israel this week. It’s the first visit by a religious leader to a war zone since the last time Tom Cruise was on The View. #
  • exit interview done. i feel better. #
  • i am going for a sandwich. don’t try and stop me. #
  • lunch is in the books. well, technically, in my stomach. #
  • well, another day of life to forget. #
  • gonna go fire up the grill for the first time in 2009. goodbye eyebrows! #
  • scratch that – first grilling of the year postponed. eyebrows saved for one more day. #
  • it’s a hockey night in pittsburgh! let’s go boys! i’ve had a crappy day, don’t let me down! #
  • HAHAHAHAHA! GOOOOAAAALLLL!!!!!! nice work, fellas. #pens #
  • lets end this thing tonight. my groin could use the extra rest before the finals. #
  • this game should already be over. 1-0 is not good enough. perhaps i should address the team at the first intermission. #pens #
  • i turn my back on the game for five minutes to dump the kids in bed and now it’s tied! that’s what i get for parenting. lesson learned. #
  • i’d really prefer that we win this game tonight. #pens #
  • oh yeah – GOAL! much better. #pens #
  • uh – why are we losing, boys? this isn’t funny anymore. #pens #
  • this game is making me sweat. unacceptable. #pens #
  • GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL! right now i would best describe my nipples as hard. #
  • looks like we’s going to OT once again… #pens #
  • gonna take this intermission before OT to powder my nose. #
  • ok boys, no pressure here. a loss will only kill what’s left of my self esteem and hope for the future. #pens #
  • wait, no! this is not allowed. #pens #
  • well, that’s a perfect ending to a crap day. #pens #
  • Lindsay Lohan is rumored to be seven weeks pregnant. So that means she’s being bisexual for two now. #
  • i’m still up, for some reason. on the bright side, dave letterman just told one of my jokes! #
  • i could go for a pizza. either that or a winning lottery ticket. #

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May 11, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 8:03 am UTC
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

President Obama was a big hit telling jokes at the White House Correspondent’s dinner on Saturday.

He was so funny that earlier today NBC gave him the 10:00 slot.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

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May 11, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-11
  • happy mother’s day to you mommies! what better way to celebrate mother’s day then bringing daddy breakfast in bed? #
  • heading up to the in-laws to celebrate mother’s day with mrs chumworth, my MIL, sister-in-law, and a bunch of kids. should be nutty! #
  • good thing penguins-capitals game 6 isn’t until tomorrow night. my gimpy groin could use the rest. #
  • just ate quiche. Testosterone levels dropping fast. #
  • Just had a lovely mother’s day lunch at in-laws. I even wore pants. You’re welcome, ladies! #
  • home from mother’s day activities. now i am sitting and have a drink. losing the urge to write jokes. #
  • cranking up the sinatra channel on sirius. i love my satellite radio. #
  • having brown rice and vegetables for dinner. someone please put me out of my misery. #
  • just cleaned my kids’ dirty feet. jesus god on high i deserve a medal. #
  • sunday night boozing – always risky. #
  • the seven year itch – always worth watching. plus, marilyn looks as good as ever. #
  • tomorrow begins my final week at the current job. can anybody say “pants DEFINITELY optional”?! #
  • big day tomorrow; it starts off with my EXIT INTERVIEW! it’ll be all downhill from there. #
  • after a weekend of joke writing block, all of a sudden, the jokes are flowing. sucky jokes, but still… #

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May 10, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-10
  • here’s the saturday plans: apply caffeine directly to eyeballs, mow lawn, attend nueve de mayo party down the street and drink lots of beer. #
  • the girls have turned on “18 kids and counting.” the parents say they have conservative values. well, duh. #
  • i’m due for a mid morning snack. i could have anything i want! yet, i am choosing to have a banana. that’s just how i roll. #
  • lawn mowed. it continues to look twice – no three times – as good as my annoying neighbor’s lawn. i win! #
  • gonna clean the bathroom. then we head down the street to booze it up. #
  • i ain’t no fan of corona – except if it’s being offered free in large quantities by a neighbor down the street. muy bien! #
  • mrs chumworth is quite taken with with the bouquet of sunflowers i got her for mother’s day! score! #
  • the beer is going down smooth and easy! chicken wings on the grill…! #
  • i am loaded with beer and mexican food. ready for some hockey – and more booze! #
  • GGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLL! love it. #
  • YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! goal goal goal goal goal!!! we win! #pens #
  • ha ha ha ha! sorry caps fans. the penguins own OT. winning is fun! winning in overtime is even more fun! #pens #

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May 9, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-09
  • my 9 year old talked me into chaperoning a field trip for her third grade class. ain’t no way that’s going to go well. #
  • my mother-in-law just called me at work and opened with “something terrible has happened.” the good news is it’s about television. #
  • Star Trek is expected to make $70 million this weekend, which is amazing considering that none of that will be from anyone on a date. #
  • Dolly Parton received an honorary doctorate degree today from the University of Tennessee in Knockersville " no, I mean, Knoxville. #
  • drinking beer and watching hockey! #
  • it’s a hockey night in pittsburgh! let’s go boys! don’t let me down! #
  • GGGGGGGGoAAAAAAAAl! #
  • another GGGOOOOAAAALLLLL!!!!!!!!! this is fun! #
  • GGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLL! holy crap! i’m loving this. #
  • awwww yeah! goal! sid rocks! #
  • just watched hancock. different, but no so great. #
  • let’s celebrate another glorious penguins playoff victory with a new IT Underworld cartoon! http://tinyurl.com/oe6ejj #
  • the cat’s bitching at me. it never ends. #

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May 8, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-08
  • morning coffee not doing it’s job. may need to snort coffee grounds directly. #
  • Michael Jackson is being sued by his former publicist for $44 million. He tried to settle but she rejected his offer: $50 and a used llama. #
  • great band, great song, great snapshot in time: http://bit.ly/70AAJ #
  • time to whip up some dinner for the kiddos. lucky buggers. #
  • mrs chumworth is wrestling our bundles of joy into jammies upstairs. based on the hollering i believe i will remain down here on the couch. #

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May 7, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-07
  • Happy birthday to Chris Brown who turned 20 yesterday. His girlfriend Rihanna threw him a great party that he enjoyed – lucky for her. #
  • ahhhh, that’s better. #
  • Sales of Netherland have soared after Pres. Obama said he is reading it. The same thing happened when Pres. Bush read Green Eggs and Ham. #
  • it’s 12:17, which means it’s time for a sandwich. that’s just how i roll. #
  • just ordered refills for foot fungus cream. still living the dream. #
  • drinking beer and gearing up for penguins-capitals game 3! #
  • larry foote forces the steelers to release him so he can sign with the lions. good luck with that! #
  • clearly the pens are just trying to make tonight’s big win more dramatic by coughing up an early goal. #
  • wait – the red wings lost night? AWESOME! hossa tying goal disallowed? EVEN MORE AWESOME! i’ll take that. #
  • yeeeeeeeeeeeAHHHHHHHHHH! GGGGGGGOAL! #
  • uh – what do we have to do get a goal here? #
  • MALKIN SCORES! holy crap! the russian came to play tonight! my nips are hard. #
  • noooooooooooo! no goal no goal no goal. that wasn’t in. no way. #
  • why is god torturing me? why why why? i don’t deserve this! well, ok, maybe i do. but still. #
  • overtime. great. we’d better win this fast. i need my beauty sleep. #
  • GGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!! PENGUINS WIN! yee-haw! suck on that, caps! #
  • time for the post-game victory dance around the house! pants optional. #
  • to celebrate this great penguins victory, i do believe i will now moon my annoying neighbor. #
  • hey look – the bruins just went down in flames in OT. sucks to be them. #
  • it’s way past my bed time. will need to apply coffee liberally down pants in the morning. #

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May 6, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-06
  • dave letterman told one of my jokes last night! almost forgot what that feels like. oh yeah – it feels good! #
  • boy, i really have to go make water. #
  • here’s my joke that david letterman told last night: http://www.chumworth.com/2009/05/04/3775/ #
  • i am working entirely too hard considering i have only eight days of work left at present job, after today. god damn my crazy work ethic. #
  • just scheduled exit interview at work. this will be fun! #
  • i have boogers, which clearly means it’s time to go home. #
  • sweet lord on high all hell is breaking loose at chez chumworth. #
  • RR new IT Underworld cartoon is up and at em: http://tinyurl.com/d7ndwf #
  • wait – dom deluise died? wait – dom deluise was still alive? #
  • once more before jammie time: my joke that dave letterman told last night: http://www.chumworth.com/2009/05/04/3775/ #

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May 5, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-05
  • can i just go back to bed and move on to tuesday? #
  • here at work they recommend we “try not to touch surfaces that may be contaminated with the swine flu virus.” good thing they’re labeled! #
  • Happy Star Wars Day! It’s a day for fans to dress up as their favorite characters, hang out with other SW fans and otherwise not got laid. #
  • nine more days left at current job. Not that i’m counting or anything. #
  • GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay! #
  • wait – the other team isn’t allowed to score. i demand an investigation. #
  • another GOOOOOAAAALLLLLL!!!!!!! yeah, baby! suck it, caps! #
  • i thought i said the other team wasn’t allowed to score. do i stutter? #
  • apparently ovechkin is russian for drama queen. #
  • we interrupt this hockey game to announce a new IT Underworld cartoon: http://tinyurl.com/d7ndwf #
  • this is getting annoying. #
  • why does god hate me? don’t bother answering – i think i know. #
  • obviously, the penguins are just setting this series up to win in 6 at home. #
  • GGGOOOAAALLLL!!!! what the hell – we’ll take it. #

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May 4, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-04
  • after being away the last two weekends it’s time once again for … topless housecleaning! #
  • just oversaw the girls cleaning their rooms. they’ll be trashed again in about 20 minutes. #
  • oh god, my neighbor is building something in his backyard. it will no doubt be something that annoys me. #
  • making american chop suey using millie garfield’s recipe http://tinyurl.com/d484py (via my friend @stevegarfield) with a few modifications. #
  • i always knew my neighbor was an asshole, but i had no idea he was a flaming asshole. now i know! #
  • trying to write the funny. keyword: trying. #

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May 3, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-03
  • sitting here drinking coffee and otherwise avoiding going out to mow the lawn. #
  • swine flu, schmine flu – i’m having some bacon. #
  • paying the bills. all of a sudden mowing the lawn doesn’t seem so bad. #
  • i’m officially getting old; i don’t like being called “dude” or “bro” any more. #
  • (belated) GOOOOAAAAALLLLL!!!!!!! #
  • pfft, that caps goal was the luckiest goal in the history of lucky goals. #
  • correction, THAT caps goal was the luckiest goal in the history of lucky goals. #
  • this game is giving me gas. #
  • GGGOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL! we rule! #
  • ok, this game is back to giving me gas. #
  • lucky win by the caps. won’t happen again. time for a steam. #
  • heading out to college fraternity alumni party tonight. a bunch of old farts boozing it up with the college kids. should be chaotic. #
  • the six year old is missing her two front teeth. priceless. #
  • doing some pre-alumni party boozing at cornwalls in kenmore square. I love beer! #

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May 2, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-02
  • dropped the girls off at school this morning. they’re getting better at jumping out of the car as i drive by the school. #
  • good lord, is there anything hotter than sarah palin and a dead grizzly bear? i think not. http://tinyurl.com/dhyucu #
  • lunch has been consumed and i am a better man for it. #
  • twitter won’t let me change my avatar at the moment. twitter users will just have to imagine my boozing avatar. FB users can see it, though. #
  • i’m in charge of our nine year old daughter and one of her buddies. i ordered them pizza and put on the TV. parenting is easy! #
  • the 6 year old lost another tooth. that’s the second one in a couple of weeks. i hope the tooth fairy finances. #

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May 1, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-05-01
  • i can’t buy a joke on letterman these days. well, i haven’t actually tried buying one. that might do it. #
  • Sarah Palin officially started Twittering yesterday. By this morning Twitter had dropped 10 points in the polls. #
  • for better or for worse, jokes for the day submitted to dave letterman. most likely the latter. #
  • dear coworkers: please do not sing out loud in the salad bar line. it is unnecessary and – frankly – annoying. #
  • time for a meeting. think i’ll chew some gum to make it go by faster. #
  • latest IT Underworld caption contest winner announced! http://tinyurl.com/c476rf #
  • home and drinking beer. mrs chumworth is baking banana bread! #
  • the word is out at work – i am leaving! time for a new gig. #
  • finally cracking open the box with our new macbook pro! #
  • stand back – i have banana chocolate chip bread breath. #
  • just about jammy time. #

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