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This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
June 30, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-30
  • monday morning. on the train to work. trying not to cry. #
  • ok, coffee – do your thing. fast. #
  • monday 10:43am: ready for the weekend to come. #
  • soon i will bleed coffee. #
  • the sun is peeking out. mother nature is such a tease. she’s giving me meteorological blue balls. #
  • bob marley is trying to tell me it will all be alright. not sure i’m buying what he’s selling. #
  • here i am at home drinking a beer and boiling eggs. the dream: guess who’s still living it? #
  • i am listening to opera. therefore i am classy. it’s ok to swoon now, ladies. #
  • classic video of the day: plastic fantastic lover http://bit.ly/cXmQN #
  • clearly i am done with opera for the night. i ain’t all that classy. #

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June 29, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-29
  • the kids consistently manage to find the crappiest tv shows and movies ever made. #
  • bills paid. manliness level knocked down one more notch. #
  • lunch: coffe, pretzels, grilled chicken and skippy. still haven’t brushed my teeth yet today. #
  • ok, i’m trying to watch this soccer game. sound like the entire stadium is farting. #
  • i can’t tell – have they started playing? i see guys running around not doing much. #
  • our nine year made a banner in the memory of our cat who died a year ago. somehow i doubt i’ll get the same honor some day. #
  • WHOA – hang on – GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLL! SUCK ON THAT, BRAZIL!!! #
  • i don’t know doodly squat about soccer, but i know it’s better have more goals than the other team. yay! #
  • i have no idea what happened there, but i can tell the US just got screwed somehow. #soccer #
  • we could use a power play right about now. #soccer #
  • i am already bored again. there’s too many guys on the field just standing around doing nothing. yawn. #soccer #
  • ha! looks like the ref just gave some from brazil a parking ticket. that’s good for us, right? #soccer #
  • GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!!!! how do you say “EAT IT” in portuguese? #soccer #
  • this game is over. time for a shower. #soccer #
  • wait – i go take a shower and brazil scores? this is what i get for leaving this game in the hands of you people. #Confederations Cup #
  • are they playing this game in a beehive? this constant buzzing is driving me insane. #Confederations Cup #
  • NO GOAL, CHUMPINOS! #Confederations Cup #
  • i don’t get it – why can’t they use their hands? that would make things more exciting. #Confederations Cup #
  • what’s with these guys wearing gloves and neck warmers in the middle of a game? sissies. #Confederations Cup #
  • that goal shouldn’t count. how can our goalie concentrate with all those guys in front of him? #Confederations Cup #
  • honestly, it’s hard to take a sport seriously when guys are using their heads to bop the ball around. #Confederations Cup #
  • that was barely in the net. i demand a replay! #Confederations Cup #
  • these announcers on ESPN stink. one guy just said the americans need the ball. that’s some insight. #Confederations Cup #
  • so, time’s up but the game isn’t over? this game makes no sense. #Confederations Cup #
  • this sport makes baseball look like non-stop action. #Confederations Cup #
  • ok brazil, you win this time. but we still have a higher GNP, so there. #Confederations Cup #
  • RR: brace yourselves: new IT Underworld cartoon posted! http://tinyurl.com/l99pqc #
  • trying desperately to pretend it’s saturday night, not sunday night. it’s not working. #
  • crap – just realized i have to go to work in the morning. i’m in saturday mode. #

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June 28, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-28
  • perfect – the rain isn’t scheduled to start until our BBQ start time. awesome! #
  • the kids are watching early jon & kate episodes. before it was just annoying to watch them. now it’s annoying and pathetic. #
  • lots to do today before the beer drinking and meat eating can commence. first up: BJs. still like writing that. #
  • i stink. time to clean up before the guests arrive and i tap the beer. #
  • watch out – daddy’s been drinking and now it’s time to cook some meat. you’ve been warned. #
  • the beer is flowing. could be a long evening… #
  • it’s always fun hanging out with other parents, especially when booze is included. we’re all like disaster survivors… #

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June 27, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-27
  • somehow, i have managed to pull myself together enough after the michael jackson news to go to work. i am a trooper! #
  • not sure how i’m going to make it through this day. probably have to go heavy on the coffee and pretzels. #
  • looks like i picked the wrong week to quit migraines. #
  • brace yourselves: new IT Underworld cartoon posted! http://tinyurl.com/l99pqc plus, caption contest still going: http://tinyurl.com/kse6jr #
  • just ran into an old buddy in the street. i love when that happens. #
  • ooof – on the way home after one long ass day. one more task to complete: buy beer and whiskey (mrs chumworth asked for the whiskey). #
  • so, @jimmyfallon dark for the next two weeks; dave letterman dark next week. that means vacation for us joke writers! praise jeebus. #
  • drinking this and it is quite damn good: http://bit.ly/jYD57 #
  • THE KIDS ARE DOWN!! THE KIDS ARE DOWN!!! apparently there is a god… #
  • watching “swingers” – never gets old. #
  • the 9 yr-old lost a tooth last night and the tooth fairy forgot to come by. in her defense, she was shaken up by the jacko thing. #
  • the chumworths are hosting a barbeque tomorrow for three other families. 8 kids will be here. i don’t think i bought enough booze. #
  • out on the porch, enjoying the lack of kid noise. and the lack of rain. not enjoying the lack of pizza. #

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June 26, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-26
  • anniversary day! six years ago tonight dave letterman first told one of my jokes: http://tinyurl.com/n4d7nx #
  • looks like a serious ibuprofen day. #
  • thank god for potato chips, that’s all i can say. #
  • ok, well, i’m ready for beer and bed. #
  • 3:00pm and i’m just now firing up itunes. been that kind of day. #
  • RIP Farrah Fawcett. “…and after the hours i’ve spent holding up her poster with one hand…” #
  • i love conan but – rightfully – dave is officially the king of late night again: http://tinyurl.com/ku9efe (via @tvbarn) #
  • come on, SOMEBODY must get the “…and after the hours i’ve spent holding up her poster with one hand…” Farrah Fawcett reference. #
  • i am home! let’s have a beer to celebrate. #
  • i can’t imagine any way that michael jackson could have died that would have surprised me. lord knows what that nut was doing to himself. #
  • michael jackson fans unfollowing me at a good clip. #
  • watching larry king talk about michael jackson. interesting: one dead guy talking about another dead guy. #
  • geraldo rivera now discussing michael jackson. our long national nightmare continues… #
  • geraldo rivera – for some reason – is quite busy performing posthumous fellatio on the king of pop. take a cold shower, geraldo. #
  • for the record, mrs chumworth, who said 30 min ago she was done watching the michael jackson coverage, is still watching MJ coverage. #

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June 25, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-25
  • nothing makes a man feel alive like the smell of wet commuter. #
  • Ed McMahon died on Tuesday at the age of 86. Now that Ed is dead that means America’s new most useless sidekick is Joe Biden. #
  • dangerously close to coffee overload… watch out. #
  • on the train home! soon i will be whispering sweet nothings to my beer. #
  • headline of the day: “Monkey urinates on Zambian president.” #

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June 24, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-24
  • time to write more jokes on the train. inspired by my friendly but smelly commuting-mates. #
  • A 5.4 magnitude earthquake struck outside Anchorage, Alaska on Monday. Nobody was injured, but it did knock Sarah Palin off her high horse. #
  • starting the day with some pink floyd, in hopes of keeping this day mellow. fat chance. #
  • can you get a nobel prize for just hauling your ass into work day after day? if so, i deserve it. #
  • wearing all of my father’s day bling today. watch out ladies! #
  • ok, so obama shouldn’t smoke. it’s bad for him. it sets a bad example for the kiddos. but let’s be honest: it makes him even cooler. badass! #
  • being on the train going home beats being on the train going to work. #
  • one day into the kids’ summer vacation and i’m already getting that facial tic again. #
  • mrs chumworth just made up a new rule: the kids can’t ask any question until 7:30pm (just before bed). brilliant! #
  • our 9 year old daughter correctly identified led zep’s kashmir on the radio tonight. there’s one thing i’m doing right. #
  • great. the cat just regurgitated loudly. #
  • 9 year old just came out of bedroom to ask for a coaster. apparently she has a mixer going on in there. next she’ll want an ashtray. #

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June 23, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-23
  • god damn it all, it’s monday again. #
  • Hustler CEO Larry Flynt was rushed to an LA hospital on Saturday. Earlier today his status was upgraded from critical to sleazy. #
  • today is finally the last day of school for the kids. this should strike more fear into my heart than it does. #
  • there must be a term for the fear that your fly is constantly down. not that i have that or anything. #
  • again, it is raining and, again, i don’t recall approving such a thing. #
  • time for dinner. first course: beer. #
  • enough with this freaking rain and gloom. it’s making me mental. #
  • Jon and Kate Gosselin have filed for divorce. They’ve already come to a custody agreement: she gets the kids, he gets the nanny. #
  • staying up late to boil eggs. i think i’m going insane. #

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June 22, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-22
  • happy father’s day to all the other poor bastards out there like me! #
  • so far, i’ve gotten lots of father’s day of gifts! sadly, though, nobody has composed a song in my honor. that must be coming later. #
  • heading out for father’s day lunch and a movie with the family. let the chaos ensue! #
  • full of tex-mex food. Now at the movies waiting for “up” to start. #
  • “up” was great! we all enjoyed it quite a bit. now the kids are demanding more entertainment. i told them to vacuum their rooms. #
  • now for some quite joke writing and coffee time on the porch. #
  • here’s my obligatory steve jobs joke: Steve Jobs had a liver transplant two months ago. His doctor’s say he’s doing really well liver 2.0. #
  • the best part of father’s day: getting the kids in bed. #
  • hey, happy birthday to berkeley breathed who turns 52 today! one of my all-time comedy heroes. a true genius. #
  • for father’s day i got jewelry and chocolate. is this father’s day or mother’s day? #
  • here endeth my father’s day. it was great! i hope all you dads (i.e. heroes) also had a great one! #

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June 21, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-21
  • just explained to the kids how today is the first of the 12 Days of Father’s Day. they’re not buying what i’m selling. #
  • paying the bills – which is not helping my gastro-intestinal state. #
  • sweet god, this visa bill is so obscene it’s NSFW. #
  • bills paid. now i need a stiff drink. #
  • just rebuilt my grill. i shall now call it the 6 Million Dollar Grill. #
  • finishing up afternoon coffee, then we’ll tap into father’s day eve beer. #
  • perusing pittsburgh pengions stanley cup champion gear. SUCK IT, RED WINGS!!!!! i love being a champion. #
  • hmmm, do i need a pittsburgh penguins 2009 stanley cup champions lawn gnome? i think so. #
  • <— it’s beer time! #
  • sitting on the porch, drinking harpoon IPA, watching new york times videos. good times! #
  • new york times reporter escapes captivity: http://tinyurl.com/kpt9mh SUCK IT, TALIBAN!!!! #
  • one word: dessert. #

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June 20, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-20
  • here i am writing jokes for @jimmyfallon on the commuter rail again. #
  • just made the morning pot of office coffee – with half decaf. let’s see if anyone notices – and finding out from twitter doesn’t count. #
  • going for lunch, so don’t hassle me. #
  • golf shouldn’t be included in the sports section. ever. #
  • ok, this new IT Underworld cartoon is for the friends of freedom in Iran: http://tinyurl.com/ldt9ek #
  • gotta like working at a place with beer in the fridge. let’s crack one open! #
  • done drinking beer at work. time to go drink beer at home! #
  • ok, home drinking beer before heading down the street to drink beer with neighbor. #
  • the chumworths have medical waste, will travel. don’t ask. #
  • i have decided how i want to spend father’s day! i have had a lot of beer tonight. #
  • RR: ok, this new IT Underworld cartoon is for the friends of freedom in Iran: http://tinyurl.com/ldt9ek #
  • just ate some mashmallows. let the father’s day craziness begin! #

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June 19, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-19
  • why doesn’t the commuter rail offer complimentary snack and beverage service? lame. #
  • forget waterboarding. if we want to torture terror suspects, let’s just make them watch golf. #
  • my new “work” dunkin donuts now officially knows my morning coffee order without having to ask. now that’s progress! #
  • it’s raining. unacceptable. #
  • i’m sweating. i started doing that a lot more once we had kids. and other things. #
  • on the train home with my fellow losers. my people! #

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June 18, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-18
  • good lord, i’m back on the train headed to work again, which explains why i’m so gassy. #
  • the train is vibrating quite strongly – and, i must say, i’m starting to enjoy it. #
  • The FDA warns that Zicam nasal spray can cause destroy your sense of smell. They advise people not to use it – unless they ride the subway. #
  • just ate a sald. with tofu on it. i’m embarrassed for myself. #
  • everything’s cool, honey bunny. everything’s cool. #
  • home. me. now. beer. mmm. #
  • RR: lookie here, folks: another IT Underworld cartoon caption contest! http://tinyurl.com/kse6jr #
  • i’m home – where there’s beer (good!) and the kids (uh, also good – you, know, sometimes). #
  • july 7: our current cell phone contract expires then it’s iphone time! better late than never. #
  • our nine year old is upstairs whining, crying and blubbering like hell. in such cases i often choose to remain downstairs. #
  • mrs chumworth wants to know what i’d like to do for father’s day. lots of things come to mind – but none involve the kids. hmm. #
  • the penguins win the stanley cup and who does sports illustrated put on the cover? kobe f’n bryant. basketball should be illegal. #

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June 17, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-17
  • back on the train to work. luckily my fellow commuters don’t smell too gross this morning. #
  • ok, the exact same guy from yesterday is sitting next to me on the train again this morning. creepy! #
  • i’m getting my bulkhead replaced today. it’s not nearly as sexy as it sounds. #
  • sorry. can’t tweet now. drinking coffee. #
  • did a little boozing with new coworkers this evening. always good to know you can work with folks who can put it away a bit. #

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June 16, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-16
  • monday morning. on the train to work. really, does it get any better? #
  • RR: lookie here, folks: another IT Underworld cartoon caption contest! http://tinyurl.com/kse6jr #
  • look at me working like a nut. it’ll pass… #
  • the good news: it’s lunch time! the bad news: i brought soup. oh well. #
  • well, so, life goes on, i guess. #
  • barely survived monday. it’s not looking good for tuesday, either. #
  • i am home now. perhaps this day will get better? doubtful. #
  • dear life: stop kicking me in the ass. i give. you win. #
  • time to write some jokes. a truly hopeless endeavor. #
  • Brad Pitt and his siblings have donated $1 million to a hospital. Technically Brad donated $1 million and his siblings just signed the card. #
  • time to go brush, floss and put on cold cream. #
  • i really am like jupiter: i’m in a permanent gaseous state. #

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June 15, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-15
  • it’s a snotty sunday morning in chez chumworth. #
  • watching kung fu panda with the girls. the things i do for them… #
  • paying the bills, which is causing me quite a bit of gas. #
  • bills paid! barely. time to clean house – literally and toplessly. #
  • time for this stanley cup champion to clean the crapper. oh well. #
  • just had to tell the kids to quit stealing the tissue boxes for craft projects. there’s piles of tissues all over the house now. #
  • lookie here, folks: another IT Underworld cartoon caption contest! http://tinyurl.com/kse6jr #
  • house cleaning done. now going food shopping. gaying it up, big time, today. #
  • took the kids along food shopping. they came back alive, so mission accomplished. but it was close there for a while. #
  • well, now i believe it is time for beer! all rejoice. #
  • Donald Trump turns 63 today. Donald is 63, but in dog years that thing on his head is 441. #
  • it may be sunday, but my liver still has to work. #
  • nba finals tonight. yawn. basketball is boring. #
  • the jokes just ain’t getting written tonight. i blame real life. #
  • the thing about tattoos is, i’ve never one on a person that didn’t look ridiculous. i mean aside from popeye’s. #

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June 14, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-14
  • nothing beats waking up as a stanley cup champion! #
  • this stanley cup champion now has to go mow the lawn. #
  • HOCKEYTOWN MY ASS! hahahahahahahaha! i’m still on a high! #
  • today would have been my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary! going to mom’s to celebrate that and the pens cup victory! #
  • time to go scrub down my stanley cup champion body! #
  • if i were the red wings i wouldn’t waste any time locking up marian hossa for ten more years. he’s a winner! #
  • mom just had me do some demo work in her basement. I think i inhaled asbestos. #
  • leaving the kids with mom later so we can sneak out to dinner. a kid free dinner! a true treat. #
  • mrs chumworth is shopping in a “curiosity shop”. I’m in the car listening to espn radio. Still living dream. #
  • Had fish for dinner. My brain is full. #
  • looks like it’s just me and this here brand new box of nilla wafers. now if you’ll excuse us… #

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June 13, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-13
  • raining hard this morning which isn’t so bad, except now the train reeks of wet commuter. #
  • Malawai will let Madonna adopt a young girl from the country. This is the 2nd child she’s adopted from Malawai, so the next one is free. #
  • enjoy your last day as stanley cup champs, wings fans! your death star gets blown to hell tonight! #
  • SCORE! @jimmyfallon told one of my jokes last night! the man really has fine comedy taste. thanks jimmy! #
  • for no particular reason, i will be putting chicago based bands in heavy rotation on itunes today: styx, cheap trick, smashing pumpkins. #
  • time for lunch, though i ain’t really hungry now. #
  • right about now the detroit taliban (i.e. the red wings) are carbo-loading for game 7 (i.e. eating loaves of small children). #
  • on the train home! then to the beer store to load up for the weekend. then home, remove pants, open beer and plant on couch for the night! #
  • 70 degrees and i’ve got my lucky fleece football pants on for tonight’s game 7 (and yellow crocs). i’m going all out! #
  • ok, here’s my joke that @jimmyfallon told to close out his monologue last night: http://tinyurl.com/mh39p6 #
  • right about now the evil wings are leaving their caves in the mountainous regions of pakistan for game 7. #Pens Game 7 #
  • dear neighbors: allow me to apologize now for the yelling and – hopefully – naked victory lap to come later this evening! Game 7 #
  • stretching and oiling my groin for Game 7…. bring it! #
  • the red wings wear (duh) red. like the devil. no shock there. Game 7 #
  • the kids are going to wash their feet (very dirty) and get in jammies for the start of game 7! gonna wash their feet with a wings jersey. #
  • the red wings eat their own boogers. Game 7 #
  • pffft. mike milbury – obviously still ticked off at the penguins cuz we wiped out his bruins in the conf finals in 91. lame. #
  • here … we … GO! game 7 #
  • if the penguins pull this off i will go flip over my annoying neighbor’s car. game 7 #Pens #
  • SLASH! look at the crap wings cheating and playing dirty (again). game 7 #pens #
  • penguins bringing the heat! game 7 #pens #
  • HOSSA THINKS KIDS SHOULD SMOKE! game 7 #Pens #
  • FLOWER!!!!!!!! no score at the end of one. that’s a victory for the pens! WINGS EAT IT! game 7 #Pens #
  • making pizza! WINGS BLOW! game 7 #Pens #
  • HOLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYY CRAPPPPPP YYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEESSSS GOOOOOAAALLLLL!!!!!!!! game 7 #Pens #
  • FLOWER!!!!! mrs chumworth is a bit horrified by my yelling and swearing. game 7 #Pens #
  • YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!! GOOOOOOOOOOOAAAALLLLL!!!!!!! I LOVE MAXIME TALBOT!!!!!!!! game 7 #Pens #
  • i’m going to have a heart attack. game 7 #Pens #
  • i refuse to urinate again until the pens win the cup – or until the end of period 2. whichever comes first. game 7 #Pens #
  • TWENTY MORE MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!! holy cripes i need to go potty. game 7 #Pens #
  • mrs chumworth is calling for sedatives for me. i may need it. game 7 #Pens #
  • great. now let’s watch the refs desperately try to give the game to the stink wings. NOT THIS YEAR! game 7 #Pens #
  • oh my god oh my god oh my god. can’t breath. game 7 #Pens #
  • i’m fine. i’m fine. i’m fine. going to my happy place….. game 7 #pens #
  • YYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!! GOOOOOD TRIUMPHS OVER EVIL!!!!!!!!!!! game 7 #Pens #
  • ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!! marian hossa gets what he deserves – nothing! game 7 #Pens #
  • i may not sleep tonight! bring on the cup! gmae 7 #Pens #
  • THE RUSSIAN GETS MVP!!!!! sweet. #
  • THE FLEECE FOOTBALL PANTS ARE STILL UNDEFEATED! they’ve now won the super bowl and stanley cup!n #Pens #
  • MARIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #
  • TIME FOR A NAKED VICTORY LAP AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD! #
  • how great is it to see mario lemiuex hoist the stanley cup again? pretty damned great, that’s how. #
  • let me just say this: stanley cup payback was sweeter than i ever imagined! #

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June 12, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-12
  • on the train to work. the dream is still being lived. #
  • Bar Refaeli and Leonado DiCaprio have split up. I’m wondering, is it too early to start stalking her? #
  • mrs chumworth gave our 9 year old daughter THE TALK the other night. it’s officially time for me to move out for the next 10 years. #
  • shia labeof says that the source of his humor is seeing his parents having sex. who knew he had a source of humor? seems like a tool. #
  • sweet crap it is lunch time! #
  • oooof, what a day. trying hard not to be pummeled into submission by the new job. #
  • home. drinking. beer. good. happy. #
  • making puff pancakes for dinner. #
  • 8:21pm and the kids are still up. this is a problem. #

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June 11, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-11
  • good night last night: the penguins win and dave letterman tells one of my jokes! #
  • the elevator here at work is closed because of a “gas smell”. great. #
  • may need extra coffee today. and may need to apply it directly down pants. #
  • just got my first paycheck at the new job! that’s a good sign. #
  • i give up. i’m getting lunch. #
  • i must say, the new job location is hands down the best i’ve ever had for lunch options. just picked up a sandwich at the chilean place. #
  • i have a real big desk at my new job! no more temporary table. i have arrived. #
  • mrs chumworth has left alone to put the kids to bed once again. if you need me i’ll be in my panic room. #
  • here’s my joke that david letterman told last night! http://www.chumworth.com/2009/06/09/3897/ #
  • richie havens is taking the edge off the day. the booze is helping a little too. #
  • ok, life, you win another day. your lead is quickly becoming insurmountable. #

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June 10, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-10
  • sweet lord it’s only tuesday. why am i being tortured? #
  • i’m finding myself writing more jokes for @jimmyfallon these than for mr. letterman. not sure what to make of that. #
  • great, it’s raining. i don’t recall authorizing that. #
  • Barry Bonds and his wife, Liz, are getting divorced. They’ve agreed to split all their assets: the house, the money and her clean urine. #
  • my groin is a little gimpy but that’s not keeping me out of game 6! EAT IT, crap wings! #
  • i’d rather see north korea win the stanley cup than the stank wings. #Pens #
  • is it too early to hit on Bar Refaeli? http://tinyurl.com/l5ggzm #
  • the red wings have pregame buffets of small children and bunnies. #Pens #
  • STUFFFED! nice save, flower. the red wings are in favor of waterboarding. #Pens #
  • let’s go comrade malkin! score one for the proletariat! #Pens #
  • babcock. nuff said. #Pens #
  • the officials are doing one hell of a job tonight! nice work, zebras! keep it up. #Pens #
  • the red wings have come out in opposition to judge sotomayor. #Pens #
  • right about now the red wings are changing into fresh sports bras. #penguins #
  • GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLL!!! NOT TONIGHT DOUCHE WINGS! #penguins #
  • i guess chris osgood needs a new feminine product. #penguins #
  • marian hossa is against flossing regularly. #penguins #
  • looks like the fart wings forgot to take their lipitor today. #penguins #
  • GREAT period, boys! the wings are done – and evil. #penguins #
  • GGGGOOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE WINGS HATE DOLPHINS! #penguins #
  • NOT TONIGHT AL QAEDA WINGS!!!!!!!!! you old farts are done. SUCK IT! #penguins #
  • marian hossa buys japanese cars. #penguins #
  • pfffft. meaningless, lame goal! #penguins #
  • the officials are doing a crappy job tonight. you suck, zebras! #penguins #
  • looks like i picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue. #penguins #
  • STUFFED! NOT TONIGHT EVIL WINGS!!!!!!!! #penguins #
  • HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! WE WIN!!! GOOD TRIUMPHS OVER EVIL!!! WINGS SUCK! #penguins #
  • YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE WINNING! #penguins #
  • marian hossa comes up small again. no shock there. #penguins #
  • sorry, wings fans: i wore my lucky fleece football pants tonight (http://tinyurl.com/kv73cp). they are undefeated. you never had a chance. #
  • mike milbury: “marian hossa was NOWHERE to be found tonight.” HAHAHAHAHA! shocker! #
  • i may need a valium to get to sleep tonight, after that game. #

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June 9, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-09
  • crap. how is it monday morning already? #
  • RR: not sure this is SFW, but what the heck: new IT Underworld cartoon posted: http://tinyurl.com/pm3h2n #
  • closing my eyes, holding on tight and praying that monday passes as quickly as possible. #
  • ok, i’m ready for lunch. #
  • sweet lord, i’m ready to run a marathon. shouldn’t have asked for extra amphetamines in the joe this morning. #
  • Sarah Palin was in New York City yesterday. She had a great time; she spent the day hunting rats from a helicopter. #
  • well i have uncovered at least one dylan fan here at the new job. my people…! #
  • the 9 year old had to come home from school today because she’s sick. better not be the piggy flu. #
  • the thing standing between me and nirvana (i.e. peace and quiet) is the kids bed time. #
  • i’m having an urge to turn on the broadway channel on sirius… this is what drinking tea will do to a man. #
  • got a new bag for carrying my work gear into work on the train. it’s the same bag my 9 year old uses for school. i’m embarrassed for myself. #

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June 8, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-08
  • sunday! a day of cleaning and comedy writing. #
  • well, i do believe everybody in the chumworth house is awake! let the chaos begin – er, continue. #
  • not sure this is SFW, but what the heck: new IT Underworld cartoon posted: http://tinyurl.com/pm3h2n #
  • the 6 year old got invited to swim in friend’s pool. now the 9 year old is melting down in a jealous fit. god help us. #
  • ok, i’m about to go shoot a video of myself in the bathroom. it’s not what you’re thinking, perverts. #
  • here’s my joke that @jimmyfallon told on last wednesday’s late night: http://tinyurl.com/mxo662 #
  • just about time to put the bundles of joy to bed. i will following closely behind. #
  • 40 minutes to write jokes for jimmy and dave, then i’m heading to bed to read – topless! #
  • i love looking up every now and again to see what i last searched for in the google search box on firefox. currently: mayor mccheese. #

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June 7, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-07
  • look at me sleeping until 9:09. that’s a recent record. #
  • what’s the proper term for your father’s first cousin? is he my cousin once removed or something? #
  • uh oh. kids screaming at each other. time to go mow the lawn. #
  • so, my dad’s cousin is my cousin once removed. his kids are my second cousins. voila! i will sleep better tonight. #
  • lawn mowed. here’s the plan for the rest of they day: coffee, pay bills, shower, more coffee, food shopping, beer, grilling, beer, hockey! #
  • paying the bills is much less unpleasant when done on the porch on a beautiful sunny day with exile on main street playing. #
  • gonna fire up the grill tonight and make stinky burgers! see: http://www.flickr.com/photos/chumworth/2531102188/ #
  • <—– it’s that time! #
  • i remember another hockey team that used to wear red – the soviets! they were evil, like the red wings. #
  • roasted marshmallows with the kids tonight. that should wrap up father of the year honors for me. #
  • look – it’s red wings coach mike babcock. honestly, he should change that name. #
  • NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! i want a video replay on that. clearly that crap wings cheated on that. #
  • marian hossa is a cuban spy. #Pens #
  • another criminal call against the penguions. clearly bettman is sleeping with babcock. weak. #Pens #
  • NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! pfffft. lucky ass goal. #Pens #
  • good lord – could the fix be in more for the stank wings? i demand a congressional investigation! #Pens #
  • NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! well now this is wrong. #Pens #
  • gary bettman could just award the cup to the red wings and save everybody the trouble, instead of sleazing it like this. #Pens #
  • the red wings are against the 19th amendment! #Pens #
  • uhhhh…. looks like i need to call the locker room at the next intermission. #Pens #
  • if we have to lose tonight somebody should at least given marian hossa a vasectomy with his stick – or, rather, a hysterectomy. #Pens #
  • the red wings eat small children for breakfast! #Pens #
  • fine, so we’ll have to score six goals in the third period. no problem! #Pens #
  • i’m already starting to repress memories of this game. the wings are still douchebags. #Pens #
  • well, this just isn’t as much fun as the other night. #Pens #
  • well if we have to do this the hard way, so be it! the douche wings are against alternative energy sources. #Pens #
  • ok, then. let’s move on to game 6. i’ll start writing put-downs now. eat it, red wings! #Pens #

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June 6, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-06
  • good lord – i think i blacked out from excitement during the hockey game last night. better check what i tweeted… #
  • what with all this swine flu stuff, it seems like a good time to start using public transportation to get to work. what could go wrong? #
  • just keep swimming. #
  • President Obama was in Dresden, Germany earlier today. The Germans gave him the key to the city – Paris. #
  • see, now, that salad was gross. big mistake. won’t happen again. #
  • voicemail at new office here gets sent as an email attachment. i like that! #
  • i was just informed somebody is “getting beer” for the office. well now – it looks like i chosen the right new workplace! #
  • beer is here! #
  • also, the beer provided here is harpoon IPA – my well known go-to brew! #
  • one of my new coworkers is from finland. that must mean something. #
  • officially survived the first week of new job. i mean, i think so. i have earned several beers. #
  • need to produce a FUNNY short video for a certain twitter friend of mine this weekend. this has embarrassing disaster written all over it. #
  • <— the bar be open! #
  • mrs chumworth just got a corporate mastercard! you know what that means: we’re eating out tonight – and every night! #
  • currently drinking: http://tinyurl.com/ma83uj #
  • gotta get the kids showered up before bed. will need another beer to get through that. #
  • foul play: a chevy chase and goldie hawn classic. what a pair they were. #

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June 5, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-05
  • the wifi on the train is strong today! must’ve had it’s morning coffee. #
  • score – @jimmyfallon told another one of my jokes last night! #
  • this is funny! RT @lizadonnelly My cartoon about Sotomayor: http://bit.ly/oAJbq (who knows, maybe I’ll do many more on this subject!). #
  • working, drinking coffee and thinking about lunch all at the same time – i.e. multitasking! #
  • Madonna is going to perform in Israel this summer. Israel is the home to many ancient relics – so she should fit right in. #
  • i called an audible today and wore socks that (a) aren’t white and (b) go above my ankles. i may as well be naked. #
  • note to self: emails are much more effective when click send after composing them. #
  • attention new office-mates: in case you haven’t noticed, my snacks are important to me. #
  • i must say i am enjoying taking the train instead of driving to/from work. Much less stressful. #
  • got a check from jimmy fallon’s show today for a joke! i love that! #
  • GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALALALALALALALALA! YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! way to start strong, boys! #Pens #
  • THE RUSSIAN DOES IT AGAIN!!!!!!! EAT RUBBER, SUCK WINGS! #Pens #
  • i heard the red wings are against peace in the middle east. #Pens #
  • FLOWER!!!! nice work, my man. #Pens #
  • the red wings looks a little pissy. must be that time of the month. #Pens #
  • nooooooooo!!!!! that was a gay goal. #Pens #
  • NOOOOOO! that goal was even gayer. #Pens #
  • i refuse to acknowledge any goal by a team that is so obviously aligned with al qaeda. #Pens #
  • GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!! now THAT is a MANLY goal!!!!!!!!!!! SUCK IT, STINK WINGS! #Pens #
  • no shots by detroit + 1 pens goal on that PP. THE WINGS EAT IT! #Pens #
  • YYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! GOOOOOAAAAALLLLL!!!!!!!!!!! WINGS BLOW!!!!!!! #Pens #
  • i need a drink! #Pens #
  • my nips are hard – and it ain’t cause of the temperature. #Pens #
  • marian hossa hates baby seals. #Pens #
  • OH…. MY…. GOD! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLL! someone hug me! #Pens #
  • this is fun! #Pens #
  • big ben is in the house! another pittsburgh champion! #Pens #
  • what a period! time for a brownie. #Pens #
  • i heard chris osgood doesn’t wash his hands after he goes potty. #Pens #
  • the game is giving me gas – but in a good way! #Pens #
  • FLOWER! nice save! #Pens #
  • WTF?! that should be a goal!!!! FIX! #Pens #
  • nice to see the wings giving up! losers. #Pens #
  • WE WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #Pens #
  • i thought the red wings were supposed to be good. i’m embarrassed for them. #Pens #
  • whew. what a game! i need a rub down and a steam. #

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June 4, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-04
  • applying coffee liberally. #
  • adjusting to new work environment at a much smaller desk – and no office. on the plus side: no waterless urinals! #
  • watch out – i am getting dangerously close to being over-caffeinated. approach at your own risk. #
  • i am about to go out to lunch – literally. perhaps figuratively too. #
  • RR: here’s my joke that @jimmfallon told on monday night: http://tinyurl.com/owz8dd #
  • getting all the low down on benefits here at new work place. my brain is about to explode from reviewing forms to fill out. #
  • new job is officially giving me gas, same as the old job. or perhaps it was the new lunch location, same as the old lunch location. #
  • it is now beer time! #
  • let’s write some jokes, draw a cartoon then hit the sack. #
  • i have boogers. #
  • time to get up close and personal with my new sports illustrated. don’t wait up. #

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June 3, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-03
  • off to take the commuter rail for the first time in about 7 years. i hope you people i’ll be riding with have showered today. #
  • look – free wifi on the commuter rail! didn’t have that seven years ago. #
  • GM has sold Hummer for between $100 and $200 million, which would be the most somebody has paid for a hummer since Eliot Spitzer. #
  • new coworkers keep saying “gee, you decided to come back!” that can’t be a good sign. #
  • new workplace offers free coffee. excellent. #
  • just about time to venture out for lunch on my own. the food options around the new workplace look to be endless. #
  • a strange woman on the elevator here at work offered me free candy. i ran away screaming. mommy taught me well. #
  • look at me – once again twittering on the train. how sad. #
  • well now the train got me home nice and fast! gotta like that. #
  • ok, here’s my joke that @jimmfallon told last night! http://tinyurl.com/owz8dd #
  • the kids are fighting and yelling out in the yard. my solution? close the door and windows so i can’t here them. parenting is easy! #
  • i’m cooking dinner for mrs chumworth and myself (i.e. reheating leftovers). husbanding is easy! #
  • it’s a hockey night in pittsburgh! i hear the red wings kick puppies. #
  • GOOOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL!!!! SUCK ON THAT RED WINGS! #
  • the red wings are the cause of global warming. #
  • NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! that shouldn’t count. #
  • i heard marian hossa is a member al qaeda. #
  • NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! that went in the wrong goal. #
  • obviously mike babcock is sleeping with gary bettman. #
  • GOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLL! EAT RUBBER, CRAP WINGS! #
  • i read today that the red wings are against gay marriage and stem cell research. #
  • WINGS PENALTY!!! tripping – classic loser move. #
  • i heard the red wings pee sitting down. #
  • right about now the red wings are readjusting their skirts. pansies. #
  • i heard the red wings use maxoderm. #
  • intermission! think i’ll go brush my teeth while the red wings reapply their nail polish. #
  • intermission #2 over. the red wings have on fresh feminine hygiene products. #
  • the red wings coach is named “babcock”. need i say more? #Pens #
  • GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!!!! THE RED WINGS SUCK!!!!!! #Pens #
  • watch out: when the red wings lose tonight they’ll no doubt take it out on kittens. #Pens #
  • GOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!! EAT IT, SUCK IT, BEAT IT RED WINGS! you guys blow! #Pens #
  • aww, that’s nice: the red wings are crying and holding each other on the bench. sweet. #Pens #
  • WE WIN!!!!! go back to your hotel and watch the lifetime channel, red wings. #Pens #
  • yawn. boy, that was one easy win. was that red wings or the lions on skates? #Pens #
  • well, time for bed. the question is, will i be able to fall asleep or i will i be up all night laughing at the red wings? #

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June 2, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-02
  • first day at new job today! after two weeks off i must once again get used to wearing pants. sigh. #
  • sitting at new desk. looks like lots of reading is on tap for day one at new job. #
  • time for my first lunch at the new job. this is an important moment! #
  • first day at my new job and i get sent back to my old workplace for a meeting. Strange! #
  • being in a new office is scrambling my brain. #
  • what a strange day. let’s end it now and move on. #

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June 1, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-06-01
  • ok, this is late, but – lucky win last night, red wings! that’s all you get. #
  • coffee is not doing it’s job… #
  • the six year old just asked me to remove the earrings from her american girl doll. this house would cease to function without me. #
  • topless housecleaning has begun! #
  • the girls are cleaning their rooms – after which mrs chumworth and i will clean up from the cleaning up. #
  • house clean. now time to powder my own nose. #
  • RR: attention nerds: new IT Underworld cartoon posted! tell yer buddies: http://tinyurl.com/nna3px #
  • packing up essential gear for my first day at new job tomorrow. coffee mug, toothbrush, snacks. i’m all ready to go! #
  • Today is the 120th anniversary of the Johnstown flood. Earlier today, just in time for the anniversary, FEMA finally arrived. #
  • looks like a big freakin rain storm is about to happen just in time to douse me whilst i grill. great. #
  • time to go prep some meat for grilling! #
  • dear twitter: why the hell is it impossible to change my avatar these days? you suck. #
  • dear twitter: why can’t i have a couple of avatars and be able to switch between them, rather than re-uploading every time (like on FB)? #
  • went heavy on the garlic in grilled pork chop rub. no need to worry about vampires tonight. #
  • sweet lord, my butt hurts. time to change chairs. #
  • girls fighting and screaming. i’m huddling up with my drink and hiding out. #
  • just wrote a particularly crappy joke that will go to @jimmyfallon tomorrow. forgive me, jimmy! #
  • 7:19pm and i’m ready for bed, but the hockey game doesn’t even start for another 40 minutes. may need to snort coffee. #
  • dear @jimmyfallon: thanks for sending out the joke setups every night! that makes life so much easier. i wish dave did that. #
  • it’s a hockey night in pittsburgh! let’s get flightless waterfowl! #
  • watching hockey, writing jokes, eating chocolate, i.e. multitasking. #
  • GGOOOOALAALALALALALALALALALALALA! freaking awesome! #
  • now we just need somebody to jam his stick into hossa’s groin. #
  • the flightless birds are swarming! suck it, wings! #
  • nice period, boys. time for me to floss. #
  • the pens are bringing the heat! #
  • nooooooooooooooooo! #
  • what a lucky-ass goal. that shouldn’t count. i mean, really. #
  • hossa cheated there! the fix is in! i call shenanigans on the NHL! #
  • the wings get another lucky call there. clearly they have pics of gary bettman having relations with a goat. #
  • more luck! i can only hope a penguin fan in detroit is slashing marian hossa’s tires right now. #
  • they’re playing journey in detroit. figures. #
  • ha! malkin decked zetterberg! i’ll take it. #
  • ok, red wings, you get two games – but that’s it! #

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