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This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
July 31, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-31
  • just ran into a friend on the commuter train. he caught me writing jokes. how embarrassing. #
  • 8:59am – i’m ready for bed. #
  • now raining like a sumbitch in boston. #
  • Madonna has started writing for an Israeli newspaper. It makes sense – after all, her career began back in biblical times. #
  • i’ll be having my own beer summit tonight in my living room. #
  • just ate a wrap for lunch. feeling much less manly. #
  • so the weather has gone from end-of-the-world-darkness and rain to … sunny! apparently mother nature is either bi-polar or in menopause. #
  • 3:53pm – still ready for bed. #
  • heading home to my one man beer summit. #
  • exclusive shot of the beer summit: http://tinyurl.com/ljla4q #
  • recording audio of my dave letterman joke from last night! also: drinking. #
  • ok, here’s my beer summit joke that dave letterman told last night: http://tinyurl.com/le5s7a #

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July 30, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-30
  • i am working at home today, which means i get to spend it with our our brand new 7 year old! happy birthday, kiddo! #
  • i am workin it at home, while the newly minted 7 year old is drawing and watching “guys and dolls”. she has good taste. #
  • ok, gonna take the birthday kiddo to lunch! #
  • at friendly’s with the 7 year old. fribble’s all around! #
  • i have WAY too much to do. especially for a man of my style and substance. #
  • random plug: my most recent IT Underworld cartoon: http://tinyurl.com/nqk56l #
  • boy, do i need some pampering. #
  • honestly, i’m starting to get the slightest twinge of doubt that the pirates rebuilding plan is going to work. eh, i’m sure it’ll pass. #
  • there’s a very strange and unpleasant odor in the office upstairs. i have no choice but to blame the children. #

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July 29, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-29
  • thank god for wifi on the commuter rail otherwise i wouldn’t be able to review pics of the happy days cast, then and now. #
  • RR: new cartoon on the upcoming beer summit! http://tinyurl.com/ljla4q #
  • It was hot and humid again today. It was so hot and humid today that President Obama accused Al Roker of acting stupidly. #
  • i’m having trouble finding the right music today. i blame the terrorists. #
  • once again the work day is winding down and once again i need a need a drink or three. #
  • drinking! #
  • our 6 year old turns 7 tomorrow. based on my boyish looks, i am too young to have a 7 year old – not to mention the 9 year old we also have. #

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July 28, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-28
  • Britain’s last surviving WWI soldier has died. He was 111 and hadn’t seen any action since 1918 – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Joan Rivers. #
  • just finished my coffee, which means i now need more coffee. #
  • oh my, that was one good apple. i can see now why eve caved in and had one. #
  • just got an email from lance armstrong with the subject line, “The race isn’t over.” the poor guy is in denial. you lost, buddy. #
  • Henry Louis Gates & the officer who arrested him will have a beer with Obama at the WH this week. Here’s a tip for Obama: bring your ID. #
  • stuck on a packed commuter train full of sweaty commuters. i, per usual, smell fresh as a daisy. #
  • giving the soon-to-be-7-year-old a bath. may need the clorox. #
  • 6 year old clean! well, as clean as a 6 year old can ever be, which really isn’t clean at all. it’s all relative. #
  • just ate cake frosting out of the can. been that kind of day (again). #
  • the beer summit: http://www.chumworth.com/2009/07/27/4041/ #

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July 27, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 8:21 pm UTC
What Could Go Wrong?

The Beer Summit

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July 27, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-27
  • just got nine hours of sleep! i am now fresh as a daisy. with kids in the house, that should last about 20 minutes. #
  • RT @scottstead (via google reader): pie pops! http://tinyurl.com/mko7sw #
  • just passing time between coffee and beer. #
  • love stinks. or maybe i just need a shower. #
  • me and the soon-to-be-7-year-old are watching horton hears a who. #
  • just grilled and ate chicken. this is why god invented propane. #
  • ok, well, i guess i get the message then. #

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July 26, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-26
  • Well there was a full evening. Dinner was booze, popcorn and nilla wafers. mission accomplished! #
  • coming up today: birthday party for the soon-to-be 7 year old. it’s a pool party. i will display my cannonball skillz to the kiddos. #
  • spongebob: still the best. #
  • just ate peanut butter. now time to mow the lawn. better put on sunblock – and pants. #
  • do they give Nobel prizes for lawn care? if so, i deserve one. #
  • getting ready for soon-to-be-7-year-old’s birthday party. chaos is coming. #
  • RR: new IT Underworld cartoon is up! http://tinyurl.com/nqk56l #
  • back from the almost 7 year old’s birthday party at the pool. Naturally, the kids were amazed with my fish-like swimming skill. #
  • <— little late getting started on this – but i’ll make up for the lost time! #
  • desperately trying to get the kids in bed. the sooner they do, the better. #
  • harold and kumar escape from gitmo – H&K get the job done again. #

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July 25, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-25
  • i explained to my girls what a perfect game in baseball was this morning. forget health care plans; they need to know the important things. #
  • RR: here’s my joke that dave letterman told wednesday night PLUS a special back story: http://tinyurl.com/lwhfqm #
  • a very small bug is trying to fly up my nose. either that or i’m having an acid flashback. #
  • all of you dopes on the streets of boston today with ridiculously oversized umbrellas who almost decapitated me should be sent to gitmo. #
  • once again after lunch i find myself asking myself: why did i eat that? #
  • looks like it’s time to start playing the lottery again. #
  • i’m too tired to kick ass today. i’ll just take names and catch you later. #
  • heading home to tie one or five on. some of you people are driving me to drink. #
  • my iPhone earbuds fit better when I put the right one in my left ear and vice versa. steve jobs take note. #
  • <— do i need this? after this week – you bet your sweet ass. #
  • gonna take a bit for the edge to come off. #
  • new IT Underworld cartoon is up! http://tinyurl.com/nqk56l #
  • mrs chumworth is going nuts downloading games to her iphone. she was the one who said we don’t need iphones. right. #
  • Helping the 9 year old practice her lines for Pocahontas. plus, drinking beer. #
  • who needs food for dinner? I have beer. #
  • moved on from a very hoppy beer to wine. Mrs chumworth is making popcorn. perfect. #
  • thank god that god made Fridays – and other stuff. #
  • watching the brad pitt. In the benjamin buttons. #
  • does bacon count as dessert? I think so… #

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July 24, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-24
  • me and a trainload of other losers are on the way to work. #
  • old solar eclipse joke i wrote for dave letterman – dick cheney + rush limbaugh = new joke told by david letterman last night! #
  • i’m so busy here i only have time to kick ass; i’ll have to take names later. #
  • Happy birthday today to Monica Lewinsky. She had 36 candles on her cake and, not surprisingly, had no trouble blowing them all out. #
  • my nose is running like usain bolt. i must be allergic to work. #
  • gonna go grab the audio of dave letterman telling my solar eclipse joke last night…! #
  • here’s my joke that dave letterman told last night PLUS a special back story: http://tinyurl.com/lwhfqm #
  • time now some topless cartooning. #
  • gave my 9 year old my old cell phone for use as camera/music player. she’s already found a bunch of functions i didn’t know about. #

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July 23, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 5:30 pm UTC
Don’t Look Now

Earlier this week there was this total eclipse of the sun deal visible over there in China. Naturally, when I heard about it, my mind drifted to the obvious thing: using it as material for a late night talk show monologue joke!

But, of course, I’m an extra busy man these days, what with writing jokes for David Letterman and Jimmy Fallon, drawing my IT Underworld cartoon, going to the full time day job and, oh yeah, helping raise our two little bundles of joy. So, who has time to think up original material?

Not me!

So, my mind drifted back to a coupe of years ago – 2006 to be exact – when there was another solar eclipse (back when I had a little more free time). I remembered that Dave Letterman told a joke I wrote about that eclipse:

Earlier today there was a total eclipse of the sun. President Bush said the eclipse of the sun proves the unreliability of solar power.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Well, I figured, Dave liked THAT joke so, you know, maybe – just maybe – if I took that joke and tweaked it a bit to be more up-to-date, then maybe Dave would use it again. So, I did just that; I swapped out George Bush for Rush Limbaugh, sent it in to the Late Show yesterday morning and…

(drum roll please)

VOILA!

Earlier today there was a solar eclipse of the sun in China. Rush Limbaugh said it just proves the unreliability of solar power.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Heck – if you can’t steal from yourself, who can you steal from?

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July 23, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-23
  • Jon Gosselin’s new girlfriend says he’s a great cook. On their first date he made a romantic dinner of mac & cheese, chicken nuggets & milk. #
  • here i am at work, announcing my presence with authority. ha. not really. #
  • brain. once again. about to explode. not unlike christian bale. #
  • just had cake. now have cake breath. #
  • riding the commuter train home and chewing gum at the same time (i.e. multitasking). #
  • the new dishwasher was installed today. this must be what it feels like to be donald trump. #
  • just booked a trip to new orleans in october to hang with a bunch of college buddies for a weekend. my liver is already sore. #
  • The Taco Bell Chihuahua died this week at the age of 15. To put that in perspective, in dog years 15 is Larry King-age. #

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July 22, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-22
  • the train is vibrating up a storm and, frankly, i like it. #
  • got up, fell out of bed, spilled coffee all down my leg. let the day begin. #
  • lunch is over and so, then, is the highlight of my day. #
  • i am fried. like an egg. actually, i’m approaching poached. #
  • the nine year old is singing the songs to pocahontas – the show her theater camp is doing. this is all smells un-PC. #
  • mrs chumworth has left alone with the kids. why am i being punished? #
  • the kids are in bed. it’s just me and my iphone. nature is taking its course. #
  • just ate chocolate. suck THAT, al qaeda! #
  • tom gammill = funny! http://tinyurl.com/l7to26 #

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July 21, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-21
  • like a bad foot fungus is back again. #
  • er, i meant, like a bad foot fungus MONDAY is back again. #
  • fine. it looks like monday isn’t going away, so let’s just accept reality and get it over with as quickly as possible. #
  • wow – that lunch sucked the big one. #
  • about to drag my rear end home after another day of punishment at the day job. #
  • here i am on the commuter train working on my laptop, listening to music on my iphone. i’m embarrassed for myself. #
  • i have meatloaf breath. #
  • just realized i didn’t get a sports illustrated last week. dialing 911 right now. #
  • A new book out reveals that it was a nightmare for the Secret Service to keep track of the Bush twins.The book is titled “Duh.” #
  • can’t sleep. up watching @jimmyfallon. also thinking of eating leftover meatloaf in fridge. #

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July 20, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-20
  • what a beautiful day! it’s for days like these that god invented hard boiled eggs. #
  • the whole chumworth family is now up. let the insanity begin. #
  • what a day! removing pants – just the way god intended it. #
  • finally had to put the air conditioners in – on july 19. a new record! #
  • mrs chumworth has taken to her iphone like sarah palin to an overpriced wardrobe. #
  • gave the girls our old cell phones for use as music players and cameras. they are now singing our praises – as they should anyways. #
  • time for a shower. the question is, shall i make a nice big coffee to sip while showering? #
  • note to mrs chumworth: we need a new shower curtain. shall i go ahead and order the steelers/penguins dual championship one i saw online? #
  • on the porch writing jokes – topless. #
  • time to drink beer – and make the meatloaf. #
  • mrs chumworth has a loaf in the over. luckily, it’s the meat kind, not the kind that cries, poops and requires a college education. #
  • i’m on a meatloaf high! could also be gas. #
  • our 9 year old starts a two week theater camp tomorrow. like she needs more drama queen training. #

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July 19, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-19
  • heading to the mall today to buy a new dishwasher and … (drum roll) … iphones! #
  • iPhones have been acquired! #
  • Food shopping with the 9 year old – and the new iPhone. #
  • just downloaded my first iphone app: the public radio player! sweet. let’s celebrate with a beer! #
  • syncing up itunes between my macbook and iphone. also drinking beer. #
  • sweet lord we dropped a ton of cash today. #
  • just watched “the wrestler.” god damn – mickey rourke hasn’t aged a day since “diner”. #

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July 18, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-18
  • oh dear lord, here we go again: another day of work. #
  • looks like i’ll be scratching indonesia off of our summer travel plans. #
  • Pope Benedict XVI fell and broke his wrist today. He’s doing well; his doctors have upgraded his condition from stable to saintly. #
  • RR: here’s my harry potter joke that dave letterman told thursday night: http://tinyurl.com/mb5v4x #
  • clearly there will be no need to listen to any music other than the rolling stones today. #
  • mrs chumworth’s company is going to pick up the tab for our home internet connection. now i just need them to pay for beer and HBO. #
  • ok, new IT Underworld cartoon is up! http://tinyurl.com/l5u9rd #
  • my brain is fried. now time to turn it to mush. heading home for beer. #
  • <—- it’s THAT time. #
  • just gave stinky 6 year old a shower while i was drinking a beer. now that’s multitasking. #
  • it’s party time in the burbs. #
  • time for some dessert. yes, indeed. #

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July 17, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-17
  • dave letterman told one of my jokes last night! the same night paul mccartney was on the show. that pretty much makes me the 5th beatle. #
  • paul mccartney sounded pretty good on the late show last night! not bad for an old fart. plus, his teeth stayed in the whole time! #
  • it’s turning into one of those days. actually, every day is one of those days now. #
  • what’s going on today? everybody seems determined to hassle the crap out of me. #
  • here’s my harry potter joke that dave letterman told last night: http://tinyurl.com/mb5v4x #
  • there are extra kids invading the house. send help. #
  • just had oatmeal for dinner. sad. #

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July 16, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-16
  • 7:58am and i’m ready for bed. #
  • sweet cripes it is only wednesday. that’s not right. #
  • Bernie Madoff’s wife Ruth is finally ready to date again. Earlier today she put a personal ad online under “Women Seeking Swindlers”. #
  • stuck on a phone call with lawyers, reminding me why i never had a desire to go to law school. #
  • this commuter train is packed full of italian students. having a strong hankering for pasta. #
  • the 6 year old has lost another tooth. the tooth fairy is tapped out. she may be forced to give out spongebob monopoly cash tonight. #
  • tooth fairy delivery made to six year old’s room! good, because the tutu is chafing me. #

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July 15, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-15
  • barely have time to make water this morning. #
  • i am far too busy. i was born to be a man of leisure. #
  • ok, i’m ready to retire. #
  • boy, could i use some lovin’. #
  • girl sitting behind me on train yapping loudly and inanely with buddy on the phone. i’m making archie-bunker-hanging-myself gestures. #
  • i am not working tonight. i swear. i mean aside from writing jokes for two shows and doing my weekly cartoon. i deserve a medal. #
  • bath night for the kids upstairs which explains all the yelling – and also explains why i am downstairs. #
  • watching the all star game and noting how many major leaguers have no idea how to wear a baseball hat. i weep for america. #
  • holy crap – jimmy carter is still alive! who knew? #All Star Game #
  • i can’t watch sheryl crow without thinking “lance armstrong tapped that.” #All Star Game #
  • stan the man musial! one of the all time greats! how long has he been dead? #All Star Game #
  • the big O is in the house! #All Star Game #
  • obama throws lefty. rush limbaugh won’t like that. #All Star Gamne #
  • obama throws a strike in first pitch. baba booey take note. #All Star Game #
  • looks like the kid from dazed and confused is starting for the national league. good for him! #All Star Game #

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July 14, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-14
  • boy, is this week ever dragging. #
  • oh look – it’s monday the 13th. perfect. #
  • the AC is cranking in the office, which explains why i have the high beams on. #
  • The world’s first pet-only airline has started flying. It offers complimentary beverage service – dogs can drink out of the toilet for free. #
  • going to my happy place again – drinking beer and heating up leftovers. #
  • Kim Jong Il has pancreatic cancer. Here’s how bad his prognosis is: he’s now being referred to as Kim Jong Terminally Il. #
  • the home run derby would be better if it weren’t so dumb. #
  • three minutes – that’s all i can take of the home run derby and chris berman. lame and annoying. changing channel. #
  • i’ve switched to Super Bowl XIII on the nfl network. it never gets old watching the steelers win the SB – or watching the cowboys lose. #
  • TOUCHDOWN STEELERS!!!!!! EAT IT COWBOYS! #SBXIII #

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July 13, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-13
  • time to make some jokes. #
  • on the porch; the cat is out here bitching at me. it never ends. #
  • mrs chumworth and the girls are going to a baby shower today. i’ll be home working. it’s a shame: i’m usually the life of the baby shower. #
  • shower complete. the chumworth is now fresh as a daisy. #
  • here i am working on a sunday – which explains why i have gas. #
  • feeling brain dead today. need major dose of coffee. #
  • firing up the grill for family dinner. what could go wrong? #
  • just made some fantastic grilled chicken. that bird did not die in vain. #
  • now to pinch out a few jokes before hitting the sack. #
  • the kids are in bed. apparently there is a god. #

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July 12, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-12
  • that was some crazy friday night. woke up to find empty booze bottles, nilla wafer box and egg carton strewn about. #
  • currently paying the bills and having bad morning breath. #
  • let’s go get the car inspected! #
  • better late than never: my joke that dave letterman told on thursday’s late show: http://tinyurl.com/nfd9xl #
  • mowing the lawn in the bright sun while drinking hot coffee. that’s just how i roll. #
  • done with the lawn work. i smell like grass, gasoline and sweat. please form one orderly line to the right, ladies. #
  • just bought the 6 year old an ice cream sundae at mcdonalds. Rightfully, she is singing my praises. #
  • just introduced the 6 year old to mad libs. she’s hooked. #
  • <— party time! #
  • tapping into the vino. i say “vino” instead of “wine” cause it sounds european which makes me classy! #

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July 11, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-11
  • i shouldn’t have to warm up my car on july 10. #
  • can’t blame obama on this one: http://bit.ly/a3FN4 (RT from @Odysseus430) #
  • yes indeed, dave letterman told a joke i wrote about osama bin laden last night! audio coming later… ka-ching! #
  • smooth and nutty should describe a late night talk show host – not my coffee. #
  • office mate brought her dog in today. frankly – i like it! dogs are the best. don’t tell my cat i said that. #
  • is anybody out there not working for the weekend, at this point? i mean, not including you jokers on vacation. #
  • RT @ITunderworld: Your iPhone 3GS isn’t overheating. It’s the new Pocket Stove app. http://bit.ly/gyWjV #
  • ok, i am prepared now for lunch. alert the media. #
  • why did i just eat that? #
  • friday afternoon. on the way home to drink beer – and work. what could go wrong? #
  • <— i am at home drinking and working, i.e. multitasking! #
  • uh oh – i still have some work to do, but just got invited to go boozing down the street with the boys. hmmm… #

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July 10, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-10
  • one of the cars on this commuter train has a bathroom. think i’ll avoid using that. #
  • Michael Jackson has sold so many records since he died that today they upgraded his casket from gold to platinum. #
  • damn – somebody put flavored coffee in the non-flavored coffee pot. i blame al qaeda. #
  • lunch time. i’m getting soup. i may as well not bother eating. #
  • decided to skip the soup and got a sandwich instead. well, actually, a wrap. humiliating. #
  • finally – what a beautiful day out there! the kind of day that makes a man wonder why god bothered inventing pants. #
  • just booked our 6 yr old’s b’day pool party. looks like i’ll get to show the kids my michael phelps-like skillz in the water. #
  • on the train home, communing with my fellow commuters. the dream just keeps on being lived. #
  • my late show boss just told me dave letterman told one of my jokes on tonight’s show! don’t know which one. #
  • time to help pick an IT Underworld cartoon caption contest winner! #

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July 9, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-09
  • trying to remember when i moved to the rainforest. i think i just saw a monkey in a tree. #
  • Michael Jackson’s memorial service yesterday was such a hit that today they family added 30 European services. #
  • i need to be extra sharp today at work; apply coffee directly to nipples. #
  • going to my happy place. la la la. #
  • help me black coffee; you’re my only hope. #
  • i am working like a sumbitch these days. #
  • real work done. kids fed. dinner eaten. now time to write jokes and draw cartoon. it never ends. #
  • i’m on the porch. i can hear the kids inside watching TV and giggling like crazy. yeah – i remember when life was fun. #

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July 8, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-08
  • writing jokes on the train again. sad. #
  • the weekend is too far off. now i’m just working for wednesday. #
  • just dripped coffee on my t-shirt. at first i was mad, until i realized i paid more for the coffee than the t-shirt. #
  • Al Franken was sworn in today as senator from Minnesota. He did so well that he’ll be sworn in nightly through the summer. #
  • there should be a law: people get the rest of the day off after a false fire alarm. #
  • brain ready to implode again. #
  • my butt is sore and could use a massaging. volunteers? #
  • why isn’t there bar service on the commuter rail? lordy could i use it. #
  • my favorite michael jackson memory? his hair catching on fire during that pepsi commercial. good lord, that was 25 years ago. #
  • the kids are playing uno and farting up a storm. once again they are stealing my act. #
  • i’ll always remember where i was when i heard that joyce dewitt was busted for DUI. #

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July 7, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-07
  • monday morning started with the kids dumping over a big glass of orange juice on the sports page. gonna be that kind of day. #
  • ok i’m at the office. go easy on me today, world. #
  • dave letterman is back in the studio today, which means back to the joke writing grind for me. just what i need: more grind. #
  • in a desperate attempt to improve this day, i am heading out for lunch. #
  • NOW i am going for lunch. i mean it this time. #
  • here i am, just working for the weekend. #
  • life seems to be all about self-denial. well, that and pizza. #
  • beer drinking. my greatest skill. #
  • and we’re moving on to wine. #
  • we got kid craziness going on here. our kids, neighbor’s kids. may need to call 911 soon to break this up. #
  • 8:55pm and the kids are still up. i’m starting to hyperventilate. #
  • write setup about little people convention going on in NYC – check. write punchline for dave letterman involving tom cruise – check. #
  • well, ok, now tomorrow should be fun – and by “fun” i mean “not fun.” #

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July 6, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-06
  • quite the beautiful morning up here in maine. drinking coffee like a mofo. #
  • gotta go back home today to one very pissed off cat. #
  • can’t wait to get home and mow the lawn. pinch me. #
  • playing six year old in checkers. she’s hanging tough, but i’m done showing mercy. #
  • this checker game with the six year old is turning into the battle of stalingrad. #
  • packing up for the trip home. well, technically, mrs chumworth is packing and i’m watching the wimbledon final. #
  • just about time to hit the road back home. wonder if my beer missed me as much as i missed it. #
  • back home! one of my neighbors kindly brought in my trash cans. sadly, neither of them mowed my lawn. #
  • time to go mow the lawn. testosterone levels are surging! that won’t last. #
  • just found out how much piano lessons for both kids will be costing us this fall. total fred sandford moment. #
  • the kids are inside watching ace of cakes. i’m on the porch writing jokes and drinking beer. perfect! #
  • 1.6 million douchebags apply for tickets to michael jackson’s memorial service. nice going, losers! #
  • RR: attention: new IT Underworld cartoon posted! http://tinyurl.com/lbo89l #
  • i don’t get this honduras thing. some guy wants to get IN to honduras? strange. #
  • not to brag, but my lawn looks so good i’m already planning my acceptance speech for the nobel prize in lawn maintenance. #
  • making whole wheat pasta for dinner. i need help. #

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July 5, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-05
  • celebrity birthdays: the U.S. turns 233 today. let’s remember those who helped make it happen: washington, jefferson, larry king, etc. #
  • JOEY CHESTNUT!!!!!! america wins again. i’m getting misty-eyed. #
  • god bless america. land where a man from humble beginnings can grow up to eat 68 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes. how i love her! #
  • playing chess with the six year old. one of us is toying with the other. #
  • it’s taking a little too long to beat the six year old in chess. #
  • just ran out for wine, cheese, coffee and cupcakes. we’re all set for july 4th celebrations! #
  • now time to play the nine year old in chess. i’ll play with a handicap: i’ll be drinking. #
  • the six year old is about go paint the kangaroo. i didn’t start doing that until college. #
  • here we go: chess game between me and the 9 year old has begun! i’m opening with my classic gambit: move pieces randomly towards opponent. #
  • daughter moving her pieces out fast. she’s aggressive. she’s also going down in flames. #daddydaughterchess #
  • using some ancient chess strategy: trash talking. the nine year old is distracted. #daddydaughterchess #
  • with each move i smile knowingly and chuckle condescendingly. it’s all part of my game. #daddydaughterchess #
  • just took kid’s bishop. i’m refraining from doing the victory dance just yet. #daddydaughterchess #
  • about to envelope 9 yr old in a classic pincer movement. poor kid has no idea what’s coming. #daddydaughterchess #
  • CHECK! this game is almost over. #daddydaughterchess #
  • nine year old just put me in check. clearly, i’m toying with her. #daddydaughterchess #
  • 9 year old keeps putting me in check. she’s falling for my classic rope-a-dope strategy. sucker. #daddydaughterchess #
  • CHECKMATE!! i win. time for a beer and victory lap. #daddydaughterchess #
  • drinking beer on the in-laws front porch, watching the girls paint the kangaroo. hard to beat this! #
  • the kids are getting nuts. the more i drink the less it bothers me. #
  • just had cupcakes and wine. feeling good, loius! #
  • sweet crap – steve mcnair is dead? i find this much more disturbing than michael jackson dying. #
  • who needs fireworks when you have two kids under 10? every night has fireworks. #
  • watching fargo. more entertaining than the pops. #

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July 4, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-04
  • morning in southern maine. watching kids shows on demand with kids. the things i do for them. #
  • just ate another hard boiled egg white. still living in the fast lane. #
  • attention: new IT Underworld cartoon posted! http://tinyurl.com/lbo89l #
  • taking the kids swimming, but not at the beach. I need more coffee. #
  • the kids are wet and dirty and generally scungy. mrs chumworth will now clean them up. i will remain on the couch. #
  • sarah palin has resigned as alaska’s governor. on july 26 she’ll officially transfer her wardrobe to the lt gov. #
  • time open a beer in honor of sarah palin resigning! bad news for the wolves: she has more time for hunting. #
  • my in-laws’ analysis of sarah palin resignation: FIL: her family is falling apart. MIL: she’s pregnant. ha! #
  • sarah palin has resigned as alaska’s governor. she said she’s looking forward to spending more time with her wardrobe. #
  • 8:07pm and the kids are still awake. i’m calling 911. #

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July 3, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-03
  • this unending rain and fog is beyond ridiculous. when did i move to england? #
  • before the workday gets insane, i shall center myself with some john sebastian: http://bit.ly/7t0Uh #
  • at work for 15 minutes and this already describes my mental state: http://bit.ly/1Oz3Mv #
  • raining like a mofo out there. time to check craigslist for a used ark. #
  • whew – MADE IT TO LUNCH! no small feat, that. #
  • that’s it. i am stopping work for the day and the weekend. southern maine here we come! somebody have a beer ready for me. #
  • on the train headed home. still working. curse you commuter rail wifi! #
  • the chumworths are in maine! watch out. time for a beer. #

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July 2, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-02
  • i managed to make it into work with my fly up. it’s all downhill from here. #
  • once again it’s rainy and crappy in boston. i demand the firing of all local meteorologists. #
  • know how i mentioned my head exploding yesterday, well i lied. TODAY it’s definitely going to explode. #
  • my head has gone beyond exploding and is now going to implode. #
  • need a major energy boost. may have to percolate coffee directly down pants. #
  • somebody hold me. #
  • home, sitting on the porch drinking a beer and generally going to my happy place. #
  • someone please make me stop working. #
  • this wine tastes gross. i can barely finish my fourth glass. #

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July 1, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-07-01
  • bernie madoffs gets 150 years in jail. i’m going to work again. no end in sight for either of us. #
  • been noticing a lot of preggo ladies about to pop on the streets lately. looks like september 08 was one horny month. #
  • we can remove the president of honduras, but we still haven’t eradicated mosquitoes. wtf? #
  • is it possible to OD on pretzels? i’m about to find out. #
  • ok, my head is officially about to explode. #
  • do i need a drink? yes. how badly? so badly that i am asking myself questions. #
  • i am drawing a robot. how sad my life has become. #
  • don’t tell me you kids have never gotten the led out? #
  • nobody gets the “don’t tell me you kids have never gotten the led out?” line? where’s @stevegarfield? he’d get it. #
  • ok, powering down to go read my new book – topless. #
  • ok, now i’m REALLY powering down to read my book (topless). you people keep distracting me. #

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