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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
August 31, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 5:30 pm UTC
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Former President Bush’s daughter Jenna has been hired as a correspondent on the Today show.

They say Jenna will contribute about once a month – it’s the same schedule her old man had.

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August 31, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-31
  • gonna go mow the lawn. the fun just never ends. #
  • just finished the morning coffee. short break then we fire up the afternoon coffee. #
  • just had to kill a spider. all the girls in the house were too scared to get near it. they all owe me now. #
  • it's a beautiful summer day and i just had to order the kids to go play outside. they act like i just sent them to gitmo. #
  • 9 year old: "daddy, can we come in now?" me: "no." #
  • i can bring home the bacon, and bake it up in a lovely honey mustard sauce. #
  • working on a dick cheney cartoon and listening to, by far, the best show on radio: http://tinyurl.com/mrddww #
  • watching the bears-broncos game and thanking my lucky stars i ain't a broncos fan. kyle orton! #

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August 30, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-30
  • vienna fingers – you are one quality cookie. #
  • spongebob squarepants marathon on nickelodeon. ass firmly planted on couch. #
  • against my better judgment, we are about to attempt a family outing. #
  • the chumworth family train is now pulling out of the station. next stop: chaos. #
  • we've been out of the house for 15 minutes. child meltdown count: 1. not bad. #
  • at the ica in boston. my stomach is expressing its displeasure with the choice of chilis for lunch. #
  • dear stomach: please accept my sincere apology for that chilis lunch. i understand you are angry, but can we get beyond this? #
  • <— the taps are open! #
  • ted kennedy: still dead. the man was no quitter. #
  • drinking beer, prepping fish to be broiled. watching the ted kennedy thing on tv, which now is just a black screen. #
  • playing. paying comes later. #

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August 29, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-29
  • you people take way too long at the bank machine. get in, get out. it's not a place for quiet reflection. #
  • snow leopard comes out today. mac heads: start your boners. #
  • an early birthday or christmas present request: laser nose hair removal. #
  • beer – take me away! #
  • <– here we go! #
  • new IT Underworld cartoon posted! snow leopard vs. windows 7: http://tinyurl.com/n7529t #
  • nothing says a fun friday evening like drinking beer and watching ted kennedy's memorial service. #
  • the kids are down! time to celebrate. #
  • the ted kennedy memorial service has taken a wrong turn into cheese-land with somebody singing "to dream the impossible dream." #
  • boston mayor tom menino now speaking at ted kennedy service. subtitles would help here. #
  • not sure who that guy was who just told the story of sailing with ted kennedy way back when, but he's got a future in stand up. #
  • vice president hair plugs now speaking at ted kennedy memorial. waiting for him to say something wacky. it's only a matter of time. #

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August 28, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-28
  • it's almost embarrassing how well i can park a car. #
  • The CIA blew smoke in the face of terror suspects. Apparently they also talked during movies and never picked up a dinner check. #
  • what a beautiful day! it's the kind of day that makes a man want to shave every hair on his body. i mean not me; i would never do that. #
  • sounds like we're all going to die from the swine flu this winter. in that case i see no point in not taking up smoking. #
  • OK – i'm officially ted kennedy-ed out. #
  • the kids are down and the cat is quiet. it's a miracle. #
  • think I'll go read in bed – topless. #

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August 27, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-27
  • woke up, roled out of bed, watched dave letterman tell one of my regis birthday jokes on last night's show. #
  • who'd have thought 25 years ago that when ted kennedy died journalists would be asking arnold schwarzenegger for his reaction? #
  • the 9 year old is going to a sleep over at a friend's house on saturday night. i'm not sure who's more excited: her or me. #
  • RR: new cartoon up! favorite presidential vacation spots: http://tinyurl.com/mov6ae #
  • here's my regis birthday joke that dave letterman told last night: http://tinyurl.com/lydxkk #
  • the kids are driving me insane. timeouts and loss of treats aren't working. may need to threaten removal from will. #

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August 26, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-26
  • Celebrity birthdays: Sean Connery turns 79 today. Of course he's no longer licensed to kill – or drive after dark. #
  • gonna go drink more coffee. why? because it's there. #
  • home. kids. beer. meat. you know the drill. #
  • time for a bob moment: http://bit.ly/o3X58 #
  • love him or hate him, you can't tell me qaddafi doesn't look sharp! brad pitt in a uniform, i say: http://tinyurl.com/ltp7be #
  • new cartoon up! favorite presidential vacation spots: http://tinyurl.com/mov6ae #

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August 25, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 8:11 pm UTC
Presidential Vacation Spots

Presidential Vacation Spots

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August 25, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 5:17 pm UTC
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Celebrity birthdays: Regis Philbin turns 78 today.

His family threw him a surprise party; what they did was they all jumped out from behind his money.

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August 25, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-25
  • here i am on the train to work on a monday morning. it's like waterboarding, but less fun. #
  • Congrats to Miss Venezuela for winning Miss Universe last night. This marks the 58th straight year that someone from the Earth has won. #
  • ok, i'm ready for the weekend. or retirement. #
  • it's pouting rain out. great. the one day i don't take the ark to work. #
  • about to grill up a whole lotta meat. #
  • tomorrow will be better, tomorrow will be better, tomorrow will be better… ahh, who am i kidding? #

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August 24, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-24
  • kids freaking out because mrs chumworth just said they can't wear new school clothes until school starts. parenting is about being hassled. #
  • i'm sweating IPA. #
  • right now the obamas are on their way to martha's vineyard in RV One. #
  • the 9 year old is mopping the kitchen floor and the 7 year old is vacuuming the living room. all my hard work is paying off. #
  • ok, taking the kids swimming. gotta go dig out my floaties. #
  • back from swimming. didn't we'd be doing that today. good thing i just had a bikini wax. #
  • starting an obama on vacation cartoon. #
  • just shaved some part of my body below my eyebrows and above my knees. #

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August 23, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-23
  • i got more work to do today than on a regular work day – and that doesn't even include the beer drinking and pizza making later. #
  • holy crap it's humid out there. just mowed the lawn and I was sweating like grandma before a death panel. #
  • just bought new running shoes. now trapped in store waiting for flash noah-like rain storm to pass so i can get back to car w/o getting wet. #
  • time fer coffee, then food shopping then – beer! #
  • beer drinking and pizza making has begun! #
  • RR: here we go: my afghan election joke that dave letterman told on thursday night: http://tinyurl.com/mydlwq #
  • drinking this: http://www.sierranevada.com/beers/torpedo.html #
  • gonna go pick some fresh jalapeno peppers from the garden for tonight's pizza. #

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August 22, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-22
  • dave letterman told one of my jokes last night. unfortunately, i still can't retire off of the joke writing income. #
  • my foot aches. i'm concerned whether herr obama's national socialist health care plan will cover foot ailments. will there be foot panels? #
  • can't wait to see inglorius basters. looking forward to seeing brad pitt et all kill them evil members of obama's health care team. #
  • time for lunch – my mercury levels feel low. #
  • it about 8 bazillion degrees out right now. ok al gore, enough! global warming. i get it. #
  • beer o'clock is coming! #
  • time for a high quality bob moment. behold the genius. http://tinyurl.com/5synzv #
  • time to walk to the train station. hopefully i won't die of heat stroke along the way. #
  • <— friday boozing has commenced! #
  • here we go: my afghan election joke that dave letterman told last night: http://tinyurl.com/mydlwq #
  • the 7 year old is upstairs blasting dave brubeck on her cd player. strange, but i like it. #
  • two words: ghostbusters. wait, i mean one word. #

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August 21, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-21
  • on the train to work writing brett favre jokes. #
  • we'll be taking the 7 year old to the doctor today. we want to get that all done before the nazis take over the health care system. #
  • if obama is hitler, does that make blue cross czechoslovakia? #
  • i am in a medical facility. so far, so good – no sign of nazis. yet. #
  • back from the doc. not to open a can of worms, but i think maybe – just maybe – the health system might need some tweaking. #
  • anybody who plays – or talks about – fantasy sports should be sent to gitmo. #
  • it's been a long, crappy day (mostly). let's put it out of its misery now. #

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August 20, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 5:29 pm UTC
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Are you excited about the Afghanistan election?

Don’t get too excited; there were reports of voting irregularities in Broward and Dade counties.

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Click here to see the video of Dave’s monologue.

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August 20, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-20
  • Bernie Madoff's mistress has written a book. In it she says that the only part of him that was well endowed was his bank account. #
  • a couple of days late, but here's my cartoon on the woodstock anniversary: http://tinyurl.com/kqw52e #
  • random parts of my body are starting to hurt for no apparent reason. i am getting old. soon i'll be watching larry king. #
  • Bernie Madoff's mistress has written a book. In it she says that swindling wasn't the only thing he could do in the blink of an eye. #
  • riding commuter train home with some particularly smelly fellow commuters. you people smell. #
  • mrs chumworth is out gallivanting about with her buddies, leaving me to feed, bathe and put the kids to bed. someone send help. #

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August 19, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-19
  • is it too late for a new year's resolution? i need to watch more TV. i'm getting away from my roots. #
  • letterman is back after two weeks off. now @jimmyfallon is off for two weeks. writing jokes for one show is much easier. #
  • can michael vick play baseball? if it doesn't work out with the eagles i'd gladly take him on the pirates if he could get us a few Ws. #
  • about to get in the phone with some lawyers – unless somebody can get me out of it. i'd rather to go to the urologist. #
  • who ever knew brett favre would turn out to be such a douchebag? #
  • i think brett favre has been wearing his wranglers too tight or something. clearly the blood isn't flowing to his brain properly. #
  • heading home where, no doubt, mrs chumworth will meet me with my pipe, slippers and a nice adult beverage. #
  • better late than never: now doing a woodstock 40th anniversary cartoon. #
  • i got a booger going here that just won't quit. #
  • mrs chumworth just made chocolate chip banana bread – so now i have a reason to get up in the morning. #
  • the smell of this banana chocolate chip bread is so good i may need to jam something up my nostrils or it won't last until morning. #

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August 18, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 8:36 pm UTC
The Woodstock Generation – Then and Now

The Woodstock Generation - Then and Now

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August 18, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-18
  • i am so tired it's not even funny. well, OK, it's a little funny. #
  • gotta go to the doctor this morning. obama fixed it so it's all free now, right? #
  • stripped down to my underwear, waiting for the doctor to arrive. good thing i skipped the peanuts novelty boxers today. #
  • done getting lectured by the doctor. pants back on. now training it into work. still living the dream. #
  • i have made it into work – just in time for lunch! #
  • a few weeks ago i thought i was living in the rain forest. today i feel like i'm living on the surface of the sun. #
  • work monday is almost over, thank god. only four more days to go in the work week. i'll never make it. #
  • heading home to drink beer and grill dead birds. #
  • i am home drinking beer topless – not that it's any of your business. #
  • watching the nine year old perform songs from pocahontas. she' good but i'm ready for an intermission. #

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August 17, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-17
  • just polished off hotel breakfast. almost time to leave Vermont and head home to a cranky cat. #
  • on I93 south in new hampshire. gotta love a state with liquor warehouses alongside the highway. #
  • almost home, which means it's almost time to clean up after the cat, mow the lawn, and pay the bills. great. #
  • well, the big family event is over! the only thing left now is to wait and see how much damage was done. we should know by thanksgiving. #

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August 16, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-16
  • just woke up here in Vermont. it's beautiful as always, but still smells like cow. #
  • almost time for family gathering. there's just no way this can end well. #
  • survived family event. now back at hotel. next stop: hotel bar. #
  • drinking beer while the kids are in the pool. I can almost see them. they're fine. probably. I think. #
  • just ate dinner at friendly's. there goes another week off the old life expectancy. #
  • nothing some animal crackers to wash down my beer. #

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August 15, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-15
  • new IT Underworld cartoon is up! three words: denial of service http://tinyurl.com/r3p8nd #
  • This weekend is the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. It's taken 40 years but Woodstock has finally gotten rid of the smell of wet hippie. #
  • nothing takes the fun out of friday like knowing your whole weekend will be spent at a dysfunctional family event. #
  • firing up the woodstock channel on sirius (channel 16)! gimme an F…! #
  • people at my workplace are good about turning off the lights when not in use. don't blame us when the icebergs are gone. #
  • gotta go home and drag the family to northern vermont for a family event. this has disaster written all over it. #
  • oh come on – somebody on the commuter rail here just floated one very stinky biscuit. not cool, people. #
  • here we go – next stop: burlington, vermont. god help us, everyone. #
  • we have arrived in Vermont and are sharing a room with kids. disaster looms. #

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August 14, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-14
  • there is football on tonight. the world will once again be a better place – at least until the starters come out. #
  • gotta cram the kids in the shower. #
  • new cartoon: let's get ready to rumble! it's town hall meeting time: http://tinyurl.com/ns75r9 #

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August 13, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:52 pm UTC
Put Em Up!

Put Em Up!

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August 13, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-13
  • on the way home. heads up, family. please have beer, slippers and remote ready for my arrival. #
  • just got home. had to get my own beer. unacceptable. #
  • drawing. topless. #
  • we tried family dinner again tonight, which just served to remind us why we do it so infrequently. #
  • just made this cartoon i'm drawing my bitch. also: just ate a cookie. #

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August 12, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-12
  • note to self: buy lottery tickets on the way home. working for a living just ain't working out. #
  • well, it's been another fine day of one kick in the groin after another. #
  • honestly, tuna fish should be illegal. #
  • mrs chumworth has been freely helping herself to my nilla wafers. i don't recall that being mentioned in the wedding vows. #

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August 9, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-10
  • big day today! pay bills. get car inspected. go to home depot. mow lawn. paint bulkhead. drink beer. still living dream. #
  • car is being inspected. I just heard the mechanic tell it to turn its head and cough. #
  • bills paid. lawn mowed. bulkhead painted. time to clean the chumworth. #
  • mrs chumworth and the kids are gone for the weekend. so, what i am going to do now? that's right – go food shopping. pathetic. #
  • that's it – all work done for the day! ass now planted on couch. kids not here but cat up is now up in my grill. there's no winning. #
  • two new cartoons are up! new IT Underworld: http://bit.ly/2CB1E and new, er, random, untitled cartoon: http://tinyurl.com/lnm3bt #
  • twitter won't let me change my avatar to the weekend boozing one, but, trust me, the boozing is on! #
  • ok, now two words: die hard. #
  • the cat and i are partying. #
  • daddy could use some pizza. #
  • wait, there used to be two germanys? #
  • 16 candles, the breakfast club, ferris bueller – all brilliant. none, however, match up to vacation. john hughes's masterpiece. #
  • back to one word: stripes. #

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August 8, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-08
  • i'm still reeling over the john hughes thing. part of my childhood is gone. luckily, my boyish charm is still intact. #
  • RR: new cartoon: bill and il: http://tinyurl.com/lnm3bt #
  • my feet are really hot. that's normal, right? #
  • daddy's ready to go home and drink beer. #
  • on the train home. only a short time now until i will be reunited with my beer. i'm coming, honey! #
  • honestly, if they'd just let me drive this train we'd all get home faster. #

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August 7, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-07
  • the train’s pulling out of the station. ain’t no going back now – guess i have to go to work. #
  • another day to forget just about in the books. #
  • John Hughes has died?! sweet cripes no! we have lost a genius. #
  • scuse me, but back to the future is on. putting out the “do not disturb” sign. #
  • “…out of a delorean?!” ha! this movie never gets old. “88 miles per hour!” #
  • “one point 21 jigawatts?!” #
  • new cartoon: bill and il: http://tinyurl.com/lnm3bt #

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August 6, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 7:39 pm UTC
The Apology

The Apology

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August 6, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-06
  • the short vacation is over. back to work. sigh. #
  • who am i? why am i here? oh yeah – i’m a poor working father of two with a mortgage. #
  • new rule: people with gender-ambiguous names should be required to ID their gender in emails to people they don’t know. #
  • am i the only person sweating like a hog today? #
  • it seems wrong that it should take me a whole day to get caught up from the two days of work i missed. #
  • Paula Abdul announced on Twitter yesterday that she’s leaving American Idol. It’s amazing – I’ve never seen someone slur a tweet before. #
  • on the train home to decompress (I.e. guzzle beer). #
  • so endeth another work day of ass kickin’. i think you people can guess whose ass got kicked. #
  • at home alone with the cat and my beer. #

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August 5, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-05
  • it’s beach day today! to protect my translucent skin from the damaging rays of the sun i will now slather myself in mayonnaise. #
  • beautiful day at the beach, but the ocean here in Maine is as cold as the Bering sea. #
  • home from the beach. i am now de-brined and have removed sand and seaweed from all unwanted nooks and crannies. #
  • back home from maine! mrs chumworth and the kiddos have remained up north, which means there’s nobody here to wait on me. unacceptable. #

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August 4, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-04
  • the sun is out and the kids are bitching! must be vacation. #
  • just volunteered to take the kids to the local amusement park – and i haven’t even been drinking. #
  • there’s no putting it off anymore: it’s time for me to take our bundles of joy to the amusement park. pray for me. #
  • the girls are on the ferris wheel. this could take a while. maybe I can sneak away for a brew. #
  • 39 year old men shouldn’t know the difference between leggings and tights. this is what having girls does to a man. embarassing. #
  • back home from the amusement park! the kids had a blast. it’s like money in the bank for retirement. #
  • getting ready to grill up one hell of a feast – including my world famous pork chops in the special rub. someone alert rachael ray. #
  • about to light the grill. but first – i’ll apply alcohol liberally to my liver. #
  • the meat is on the grill! my eyebrows are still on my head. it’s a win-win! #
  • ooof – dangerously close to ODing on grilled food. #

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August 3, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-03
  • the maine air is nice and briny this morning – just like me. i’m not sure what that means. #
  • 11:00am and i’m tired as hell. maine makes me sleepy – and don’t get me started on how gassy it makes me. #
  • bad news from maine: we can’t find the plunger. looks like we’d better skip the cajun rubbed pork chops tonight. #
  • back from taking the kids swimming. now I am caffeinating myself. #
  • shhh – hold it down. i think the beer is calling me. #
  • <— clearly, sunday beer drinking is well underway #
  • the wine is flowing! just about to get the kids in bed. then dinner and more booze. #
  • the kids are in bed! the kids are in bed! #
  • just ate pudding. might be time to cut me off. #

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August 2, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-02
  • here’s the plan for today: finish ODing on coffee, mow lawn, pack up and take family to maine, then begin guzzling beer. #
  • ok, time to go work my magic on the lawn. i’m like rembrandt about to tackle a canvass. #
  • well, just a surprise package in the mail that just about blew my mind. #
  • trying to get the family packed for vacation. it’s hopeless. #
  • in maine, drinking maine beer! #
  • just ate meatballs. #

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August 1, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 1:00 am UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-08-01
  • so begins another day of chaos and shenanigans. #
  • just read the pirates traded the pirate parrot for a couple of minor league mascots. might as well. #
  • the 9 year old is doing two performance of her play today, to close out theater camp. hopefully they’ll have beer vendors. #
  • Pope Benedict will release an album on November 30. On the album he sings, recites prayers to the Virgin Mary and calls out 50 Cent. #
  • RR: ok, here’s my beer summit joke that dave letterman told wednesday night: http://tinyurl.com/le5s7a #
  • ha! some douchebag seems to have been offended my david letterman bush twins joke: http://tinyurl.com/krd3mx #
  • heading home to down a quick beer, then heading out to watch 9 year old perform in “pocahontas.” guess i should wear pants to that. #
  • wake the kids and call the neighbors: a new IT Underworld cartoon is up! http://tinyurl.com/mc6haz #
  • the brakes on this train seem a little gimpy. eh, what could go wrong? #
  • back from the 9 year old’s play. she’s out at the cast party. we’ll see if she gets home before i’m in bed. #
  • i’ve never seen anyone on a segway who didn’t look like a total dweeb. even brad pitt would look like a tool on one of those things. #

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