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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
November 30, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 9:50 pm UTC
The Dinner Crasher

The Dinner Crasher

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 30, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-30
  • well, we all survived family dinner. some of us, however, may not survive bath time. #
  • every time i hear tony sparano talk i keep waiting for him to say "ditka". #
  • concussion, conschmussion. if big ben was able to zip his fly he should be starting tonight. #steelers #
  • just polished off the last piece of thanksgiving apple pie. let me just say that mrs chumworth knows how to make one kick ass pie. #
  • SWEEEET JESUS! TOUCHDOWN!!!!!! dennis dixon! my nips have hardened just a tad. #steelers #
  • gimme an F! gimme a U! gimme a C! gimme a K! what's that spell?! right – monday. #
  • just started the work day by killing a mongo cockroach in the work kitchen. perfect. #
  • not much sucks more than a monday at work – except for maybe your wife chasing you down the driveway with a three iron. #
  • the library is hounding me about an overdue book. i may need to enter the library protection program. #

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November 29, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-29
  • kids in bed. the celebration is now beginning! #
  • a boy named Charlie Brown on abc family. the classics never get old. #
  • time to work my magic with the family checkbook. see – nothing up my sleeve… #
  • finally, i am interested in reading about tiger woods. #
  • about to clean the crapper – topless. #
  • the house is getting cleaner; the chumworth is getting dirtier. #
  • family – can't live with em, can't waterboard em. unless you're dick cheney. #
  • once again tonight we will attempt family dinner. once again it'll end with someone in tears – me. #

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November 28, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-28
  • mrs chumworth has left me alone with the kids. so, we're watching planes, trains and automobiles. #
  • i am heartened by just how much my kids enjoyed "planes, trains and automobiles." perhaps there is hope for the future. #
  • just watched gran torino. clint eastwood: still a badass. #
  • time to go all clark griswold (i.e. put up the christmas lights)! #
  • we've got about 80mph winds going here. seems like the right time to get up on a ladder to hang Christmas lights. #
  • the kids are making gingerbread houses downstairs. i'm afraid to look at the resulting mess… #
  • once again i have been left home alone with the kids. this isn't helping my drinking. #
  • it is THAT time, people! (drinking gesture) #

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November 27, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-27
  • thanksgiving meal – check. thanksgiving cleanup – check. thanksgiving gas – double check. #
  • watching home alone with the kids. it's a shame macaulay culkin ever had to hit puberty. #
  • i may have the day off, but my boogers sure don't. #
  • heading to home depot for christmas lights and to generally peruse manly things. #
  • wife somehow suckered me into going swimming with the kids at the Y. it's the same trick she used to get me to have kids in the first place. #
  • back from swimming with the kids. nobody drowned so, hey, mission accomplished! #
  • time to scrub the chlorine and swine flu residue from the Y-pool off of my body. #

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November 27, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-27
  • thanksgiving meal – check. thanksgiving cleanup – check. thanksgiving gas – double check. #
  • watching home alone with the kids. it's a shame macaulay culkin ever had to hit puberty. #
  • i may have the day off, but my boogers sure don't. #
  • heading to home depot for christmas lights and to generally peruse manly things. #
  • wife somehow suckered me into going swimming with the kids at the Y. it's the same trick she used to get me to have kids in the first place. #
  • back from swimming with the kids. nobody drowned so, hey, mission accomplished! #
  • time to scrub the chlorine and swine flu residue from the Y-pool off of my body. #

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November 26, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-26
  • looks like @jimmyfallon is taping a show tomorrow. that means joke writing for me. not that any will get used, but, eh, what the hell. #
  • just got the thanksgiving day run in. now time to make coffee and start seasoning my giblets. #
  • it is time to prepare the bird. time to break out my "kiss the cook" apron. #
  • the bird is ready for the oven, the giblets are simmering, the bread is baking and – drum roll, please – mrs chumworth is UP! #
  • due to the swine flu, this year we'll be basting the turkey with purel. can't be too careful. #
  • it's not thanksgiving until one of the kids accidentally nails me in the jewels. thanks to the 7 year old, it's now officially thanksgiving. #
  • the whole family is here! the beer has been tapped and the bird is coming along. time to put on pants, i guess. #
  • oh my – that was some feast! Thank goodness for dead birds. up next: pie! #

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November 25, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-25
  • hitting the sack soon. big day tomorrow: gotta do the thanksgiving booze run. #
  • listening to the kids get dressed for school. the 7 year old likes to announce each item as she puts it on, e.g. "socks!" funny. #
  • the kids are only at school for two hours today. time to cram in real work. #
  • RR my thanksgiving IT Underworld cartoon is up! if MS ran the BB turkey talk-line: http://tinyurl.com/ygt75dl #
  • Rio has banned the sale of coconuts on beaches because they’re an unhygienic eye-sore. It's the same reason they've banned banana hammocks. #
  • the kids are home from school already. there's no way that should count for a whole day of education. #
  • ok, i have made ALL of the jokes i ever submitted to david letterman available on my web site: http://tinyurl.com/yz85fdw #
  • the house is already awash in the smells of thanksgiving. either that or one of the kids farted. #
  • making bread for tomorrow! speaking of yeast, time for an adult beverage. #

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November 24, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-24
  • the kids are in bed! i still have the urge to bust out the champagne right about this time every night. #
  • The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade this year will feature 800 clowns. It'll be the biggest collection of clowns outside of Congress. #
  • Fun Thanksgiving fact: a turkey has about 70 percent white meat and 30 percent dark meat. Wait, I'm sorry, that's a fun Sammy Sosa fact. #
  • joe lieberman needs a serious wedgie. i'm thinking one of the atomic variety. #
  • my thanksgiving IT Underworld cartoon is up! if MS ran the BB turkey talk-line: http://tinyurl.com/ygt75dl #
  • old friend coming over for dinner tonight along with his THREE DAUGHTERS (including twins). got the booze all ready for him (and me). #

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November 24, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 2:33 pm UTC
Happy Thanksgiving!

What better way to celebrate Thanksgiving – the best holiday of the year (well, aside from Super Bowl Sunday) – than with a cartoon?

To that end, imagine what the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line would be like if it were manned by the Microsoft support staff? Maybe something like this:

If Microsoft ran the Butterball Turkey Talk-line

That’s my latest IT Underworld cartoon, a weekly tune that I do for ITWorld.com. If you like it be sure to tell your friends, family and neighbors. Heck, feel free to also Digg it. I won’t object.

Any love you can show it is greatly appreciated.

Have a great Thanksgiving! I hope you’ll be doing what I’ll be doing – eating and drinking myself silly. Remember, if you don’t, then the terrorists win.

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November 23, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-23
  • the bengals lost to the raiders? ha! well, something good happened today! #
  • the good news is it's a short work week. the bad news is it still starts with a monday. #
  • got another date with a medical professional this morning. good thing health care is free in this country or i'd be screwed. #
  • medical appointment over. now waiting for train to work. still living dream. #
  • note to self: commuters on the 9:44 train are fresher smelling than those on the 7:30 train. #
  • President Obama’s job approval rating is down to 48%. His approval rating is so low it's starting to affect how he pronounces "nuclear". #
  • martha stewart will be on sirius channel 112 all day wedneday. note to self: avoid sirius channel 112 on wednesday. #

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November 22, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-22
  • about to go burn wood and drink beer. what could go wrong? #
  • mmmm – beer and toasted marshmallows. #
  • sunday! inhaling coffee. #
  • making the kids clean their room (i.e. spoiling them again). #
  • time to trim the nasal hairs. #
  • the steelers are announcing their presence in KC with authority. yawn. #
  • wait a minute – i didn't make people magazine's list of the 110 sexiest men alive?! a certain someone was yanking my chain. #
  • uh, did we just lose to the chiefs? ok, so much for football season. #

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November 21, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-21
  • i like beer. #
  • funkhouser! still the funniest character on TV. #
  • time to do to the final leaf raking for the season. first i start with some pre-raking groin stretching. #

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November 20, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-20
  • here's today's schedule: attend parent-teacher conference for 10 year old, work from home, drink beer. #
  • i'm in the office upstairs trying to work, the kids are downstairs doing crafts. what could go wrong? #
  • brain about to explode again. #
  • turns out that working from home doesn't make me look forward to lunch any less than working in the office. #
  • just took the kids on a booze run. don't tell the father of the year committee. #
  • OPRAH'S IS ENDING HER TALK SHOW IN 2011!!!! CHRISTMAS HAS COME EARLY! #
  • new IT Underworld cartoon: droid vs. iphone: http://tinyurl.com/ylf4ga9 #
  • doing a little work on the old windows laptop here at home. feels like using a rotary phone. #
  • letting kids watch space chimps while they eat dinner. this'll put me back on top of father-of-the-year standings. #

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November 19, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-19
  • in honor of the three stooges i do believe i will start calling people "puddin' head" when they deserve it. #
  • the wife is out, the kids are in bed. now doing what comes naturally to a grown man alone: watching TV show on WWII. #
  • yesterday i had the kids arguing over which one would get to take of mrs chum and i in old age. my plan is coming together perfectly. #
  • some genius at MIT should invent a car that can run on boogers. i've got an endless supply. talk about a renewable energy source. #
  • i'm getting a bulletin board here at work. i love bulletin boards! i'd like to cover every wall in our house with bulletin boards. #
  • please, don't ever let me get that particular sandwich again. #
  • why is my university always hitting me up for money? it's like having an extra brother-in-law. #
  • does ibuprofen cure the pain caused by poor life choices? i think i need a double dose. #

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November 19, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-19
  • in honor of the three stooges i do believe i will start calling people "puddin' head" when they deserve it. #
  • the wife is out, the kids are in bed. now doing what comes naturally to a grown man alone: watching TV show on WWII. #
  • yesterday i had the kids arguing over which one would get to take of mrs chum and i in old age. my plan is coming together perfectly. #
  • some genius at MIT should invent a car that can run on boogers. i've got an endless supply. talk about a renewable energy source. #
  • i'm getting a bulletin board here at work. i love bulletin boards! i'd like to cover every wall in our house with bulletin boards. #
  • please, don't ever let me get that particular sandwich again. #
  • why is my university always hitting me up for money? it's like having an extra brother-in-law. #
  • does ibuprofen cure the pain caused by poor life choices? i think i need a double dose. #

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November 18, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-18
  • mrs chumworth has left me alone with the kiddos again. clearly she is desperate to get out of the house. #
  • crap, it's only wednesday. #
  • Levi Johnston will not show frontal nudity in his upcoming Playgirl photo spread. That's not surprising; it is pretty cold in Alaska. #
  • just got word that mrs chum is one again heading out tonight leaving me alone with … THEM. oh lord help me. #

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November 17, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-17
  • working on a new cartoon. one word: dongle. #
  • just attended parent-teacher conference for our 7 year old. she only got a Good – instead of Excellent – in nuclear physics. disappointing. #
  • my fellow train commuters this morning smell like a combination of moth balls and skunked booze. nice going, people. #
  • i don't know why i ever bother getting out of bed – aside from avoiding bed sores. #
  • god help me i ate another wrap for lunch today. what's happened to me? #
  • fiction should be illegal. non-fiction is where it's at. #
  • lights are out on the commuter rail. hopefully I don't get groped. #

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November 16, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-16
  • i was busy all day at a family function. how much did the steelers win by? #
  • 6:59pm: i'm ready for bed. #
  • looks like december has come early for tony romo. #
  • i hereby award pats coach bill belichick the boner of the month award for that call on 4th and 2. smooth move, exlax. #
  • mondays: proof that if there is a god he (or she) is an angry, vengeful god. bad god! #
  • President Obama arrived in Beijing today on his 1st trip to China. He says he feels right at home – surrounded by American jobs and money. #
  • RR: time for a new IT Underworld cartoon, Bing-style: http://tinyurl.com/yzrs9n2 #
  • my stomach is itchy. not sure what that means. #
  • note to self: book trip to antarctica. bring drill. and glass. http://tinyurl.com/ylgovhu #
  • the commuter train smells like a urinal cake – and not a fresh one. #

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November 15, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-15

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November 14, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-14
  • home alone with the 7 year old. i can handle this. i think. #
  • am i becoming attracted to the progressive insurance woman? no, of course not. #
  • getting new tires at BJs. the per tire price is good but you have to buy an 18 pack of them. #
  • these scrubbing bubble really do get the most stubborn grime off – and that's just on the kids. #
  • reason number 8,752 why i am indispensable around here: the ice cube trays don't fill themselves. #
  • i think mrs chumworth has run away – with the newer car, no less. #
  • <— i have assumed the position! #

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November 13, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-13
  • look at me reading popular mechanics like a real man. #
  • scratch that last message about being manly. just ate a black bean veggie burger. now feeling less manly than Chaz Bono. #
  • finally on board return flight home. beer helps pass the time. #
  • wheels down in Boston! whew. long day. shoot – gotta put the trash out when I get home. the work never ends. #
  • friday the 13th – who cares? i'm not afraid of a number. little kids – particularly mine – i'm afraid of those. but not a number. #
  • “2012” came out today. It's a movie about the end of the world – so, I guess there won't be a sequel. #
  • ok, so i remembered to bring my dongle on the work trip yesterday – but i brought the WRONG dongle. awkward! #
  • if there's a story in the news about Lake Titicaca, do i even need to bother writing a punchline? #
  • how much do i like lunch? quite a bit. #

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November 12, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-12
  • just used a semi-colon in a cartoon. probably incorrectly. i claim artistic license. #
  • just when i was ready to declare "curb your enthusiasm" dead – along comes the "black swan" episode. best episode in quite some time. #
  • ok, gotta get up early and head to the airport for my day trip to DC. time for some beauty winks. #
  • at logan airport waiting to fly to washington, use free, google-sponsored airport wifi. thanks google! #
  • reviewing @jimmyfallon's monologue from last night on airport wifi. still living dream. #
  • waiting to board flight to DC. who doesn't love being packed in a steel tube with strangers? #
  • on board the plane. thanfully, my fellow passengers looke like a non-smelly bunch. bravo people! #
  • flight departure delayed because one of the crappers is busted. not a good sign. #
  • wheels down in Dulles! no sign yet of my sweetie Michelle Obama. #
  • forgot about these shuttle things here at Dulles. still no sign of MO. she's playing hard to get. I like it. #
  • meetings over in DC. heading back to airport to try and catch earlier flight home. need beer. #
  • turns out there are no earlier flights back home, so I'm at the airport way early. looks like I'll to have to kill time at the bar. #

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November 11, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-11
  • put tabasco sauce on my eggs this morning. based on how tired i am i should've put it down my pants. #
  • quick biz trip to DC and back tomorrow. all i need are pants and my dongle and i should be good to go. #
  • time to really make some hay. not sure what that means. #
  • another sign that playing golf should be considered a capitol offense (like we need another one): http://tinyurl.com/ydjtjq9 #
  • febreze really needs to come out with a product just for commuter rail trains. #

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November 10, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-10
  • i am ready for some football – and more wine. #
  • sorry bronco fans, but i have put on my fleece football pants. you don't stand a chance. you may as well go to bed now. #
  • nothing builds a man's confidence in his football team's chances than seeing kyle orton warming up for the opposition. #steelers #
  • holy crap! brent mussberger, phyllis george and IRV CROSS on MNF! wow. i am speechless. where's jimmy the greek? #steelers #
  • one kid down. halfway to nirvana… #
  • the steelers make the big third down play; the broncos kick a field goal – total chick move. #steelers #
  • way to punt boys! #steelers #
  • 2 minutes left in the first quarter and mrs chumworth is already asleep on the couch. course, i haven't started cursing yet. #steelers #
  • KYLE ORTON!!! i LOVE him! #steelers #
  • halftime with the steelers winning! i believe i shall go powder my nose … and a few other things. #
  • all of a sudden i have gas. #steelers #
  • touchdown! my gas is gone. #steelers #
  • the steelers are announcing their presence with authority. no shock there. #steelers #
  • TOUCHDOWN!!! watch and learn from the champs, broncos. #steelers #
  • i'm officially embarrassed for the broncos. #steelers #
  • another touchdown! yawn. hines ward = winner. this game was even easier than i thought it would be. time for some winks. #steelers #
  • gotta drag the bundles of joy to school; then off to the doc for a "procedure" and THEN go to work. pinch me. #
  • the doctor came at me with a blade again. i'm starting to think she enjoys this. #
  • Sesame Street turns 40 today. You can tell the cast is getting older; today's show was brought to you by the letters A A R and P. #
  • almost time for drinks! #

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November 9, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-09
  • mrs chumworth has left me alone with the kids for the evening. what could go wrong? #
  • watching hannah montana with the girls. send help. #
  • well, this day is going to suck. #
  • i love the looks on the faces of people waiting for the train on monday morning. it's like the waiting room at a proctologist's office. #
  • time to fill out the old expense report for last week's trip to portland. looks like "full body massage" will go under "other expenses." #
  • allow me to revise my earlier statement: this day is not sucking. instead, it is blowing. #
  • 20 years ago today the Berlin Wall fell. I think we all remember where we were when we heard that news – except for Paula Abdul. #
  • home for beer, dinner, football, cartooning and – my true talents – husbanding and fathering! #

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November 8, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-08
  • big night tonight: 10 year old performs in "seussical the musical". first of five shows. wife is making me wear pants to the show. #
  • seussical the musical intermission. oldest child doing great. I sense I may be able to retire off of her talents one day. #
  • house passes health care reform bill! sweet – now i can finally take up smoking! #hcr #
  • wife and kids are out of the house so i'm doing what comes naturally to a man alone: watching football pregame shows. #
  • just rotated the mattresses – my talents never end. #
  • the 7 year old and i are going out for a treat. i suppose i'll get suckered into paying again. #
  • about to give 7 year old a major beat down in spongebob life. it'll build character. #
  • new IT Underworld cartoon posted: upgrading to 802.11n – the old school way: http://tinyurl.com/yhsq6pd #

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November 7, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-07
  • drinking beer, trying to forget about this grand jury thing. #
  • loading up on coffee in prep for leaf raking. looks cold enough out there for pants. #
  • barely survived four hours of leaf raking. now for a big dose of ibuprofen and a shower. i stink. #
  • based on the performance of the local teens who pack bags at the supermarket, i weep for our country's future. #

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November 6, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-06
  • at Portland airport having my pre-flight oatmeal. still living dream. #
  • on board Alaska airlines flight to Boston. you can almost see the swine flu in the air. #
  • let's hear it for exit row seating! lots of room for my long gams. #
  • ok, looks like we're all on board. I'm ready to be pampered, coach-class style. #
  • next tweet will be from Boston. I'm sure these next 6 hours will just zip by. #
  • wheels down in Boston! time to head home to kid craziness. #
  • so i get home from my trip to portland to find i've been summoned to jury duty – GRAND jury duty. not good. #

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November 5, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-05
  • so, i remembered to bring my dongle on this business trip, but, turns out i brought the WRONG dongle. awkward! #
  • 4:30pm here on the west coast. seems way too early for a world series game. but, what the hell. #
  • conference day over. time for beer and baseball. #
  • honestly, i don't want to sound negative but it's not looking good for the phillies. #
  • another conference meal is down the hatch. already picked out beer drinking/dinner spot for later. #
  • Portland seems like a great place. the kind of place where a man get some thinking done – possibly without pants. #
  • there should still be a game 7 in the WS tonight. sports teams should be required to play the full length of a series no matter what. #

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November 4, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-04
  • behold, for I am in portland! let the games begin. #
  • 10:45pm pacific time/1:45am my time (eastern) time. WAY past my bedtime no matter how you cut it. #
  • good morning, portland! extra points to my hotel for providing the peet's coffee in the room. another plus: i am not gassy! #
  • missing my 10 year old's birthday party today, while i am across the country on business, i.e. continuing to scar child for life. #
  • dear maine, which i love so much: you get the boner award of the week for shooting down gay marriage. maybe boner isn't the right word… #

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November 3, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-03
  • just printed out boarding pass for flight to portland tomorrow. kudos to alaska airlines for putting sudoku puzzles on boarding pass! #
  • looks like one of the phillies has an ouchy. better get out the boo-boo bunny. #
  • as long as the phillies don't bring in brad lidge for a 12 out save, they should win this game. #
  • look at me still up at 10:25, just like a 30 year old. #
  • Congrats to Mel Gibson and his girlfriend who had a baby last week. Mel was thrilled that she gave birth to happy, healthy, non-Jew. #
  • just ate two toaster waffles and i'm a better man for it. #
  • grabbing a pre-flight beer at Logan airport. #
  • on the plane to Portland! my first flight on Alaska Airlines, you betcha. #

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November 2, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-02
  • about to attempt family dinner on 10 year old's birthday. this could get ugly. #
  • monday is barely underway and i'm already ready to moon it. #
  • RR: new IT Underworld cartoon posted! where the wild things are, part 2: http://tinyurl.com/ycvt5j3 #
  • note to self: don't forget to pack dongle for upcoming business trip. #
  • Scientists in Beijing made it snow by planting special chemicals into clouds. They said it was just like regular snow but with more MSG. #
  • the boner of the weekend award goes to brad lidge for not covering third base on the johnny damon steal. congrats, brad! #
  • my stomach has not yet gotten the memo about the time change. #
  • 5:02pm and it's pitch black out. somehow i sense that al qaeda is to blame. either them or glenn beck. #

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November 1, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 6:00 pm UTC
Twitter Updates for 2009-11-01
  • holy crap, i barely survived taking the kids trick or treating. i'm too old for this. home now drinking beer. #
  • phillies fans getting extra time to drink before the games starts. what could go wrong? #
  • my mom set her clocks back saturday morning. time to start getting price quotes for the old folks homes. #
  • 10 years ago tomorrow our first child was born, which means it's been 10 years since i've been able to think straight. #
  • it's birthday present time for the new 10-year-old! #
  • note to self: next year don't weigh self the morning after halloween. #
  • the 10 year old's main birthday present: getting her ears pierced. i had to wait until i was 17. #
  • if i search for people using bing does that mean i've banged them? #

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