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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Chumworth Jokes Used on Late Night Television

I used to write monologue jokes (on a freelance basis) for the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, LATE NIGHT with JIMMY FALLON, the TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO and even LAST CALL with CARSON DALY.

Below are jokes of mine that were used on air, including audio clips of the jokes when I was able to record them.
Air Date: September 25, 2009.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

A woman from Alabama placed the winning bid of $63,000 on eBay to have dinner with Sarah Palin.

For $63,000 she’ll not only have dinner with you, she’ll also show you to the table at Applebee’s.

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Air Date: September 2, 2009.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Former New York Gov Eliot Spitzer is running for governor again.

He’s already doing some polling and I’m thinking, isn’t that what got him in trouble in the first place?

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Air Date: August 31, 2009.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Former President Bush’s daughter Jenna has been hired as a correspondent on the Today show.

They say Jenna will contribute about once a month – it’s the same schedule her old man had.

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Air Date: August 25, 2009.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Celebrity birthdays: Regis Philbin turns 78 today.

His family threw him a surprise party; what they did was they all jumped out from behind his money.

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Air Date: August 20, 2009.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Are you excited about the Afghanistan election?

Don’t get too excited; there were reports of voting irregularities in Broward and Dade counties.

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Air Date: July 29, 2009.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Tomorrow President Obama is going to have Henry Louis Gates and Sgt. James Crowley over to the White House for a beer.

I believe it’ll be the first kegger at the White House since the Bush twins lived there.

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Air Date: July 22, 2009.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Earlier today there was a solar eclipse of the sun in China.

Rush Limbaugh said it just proves the unreliability of solar power.

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Air Date: July 15, 2009.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

The new Harry Potter movie opened today.

In this movie Harry faces the most evil threat yet: Dick Cheney and his secret CIA hit squad.

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Air Date: July 9, 2009.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Osama bin Laden’s first wife is writing a book.

In the book she describes their wedding; after they were married their friends tied tin cans to the back of their camel.

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Air Date: June 11, 2009.
  
LATE NIGHT with JIMMY FALLON

Barry Bonds and his wife, Liz, are getting divorced.

Apparently she caught him injecting another woman.

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Air Date: June 9, 2009.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Sarah Palin was in New York City yesterday.

She had a great time; she spent the day shooting rats from a helicopter.

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Air Date: June 3, 2009.
  
LATE NIGHT with JIMMY FALLON

Vice President Joe Biden was in New York City yesterday and he bought a suit at Barney’s.

It cost $2,400 and it’s high quality material – made from the same fabric as his hair.

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Air Date: June 1, 2009.
  
LATE NIGHT with JIMMY FALLON

General Motors filed for bankruptcy on Monday.

Experts say GM will emerge from bankruptcy in 3 three years or 36,000 miles, whichever comes first.

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Air Date: May 13, 2009.
  
LATE NIGHT with JIMMY FALLON

Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart got engaged.

He surprised her by getting down on one knee, popping the question and slipping a diamond ring around her waist.

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Air Date: May 11, 2009.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

President Obama was a big hit telling jokes at the White House Correspondent’s dinner on Saturday.

He was so funny that earlier today NBC gave him the 10:00 slot.

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Air Date: May 4, 2009.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Supreme Court Justice David Souter is stepping down from the court.

He says he wants to spend more time judging his family.

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Air Date: April 22, 2009.
  
LATE NIGHT with JIMMY FALLON

Happy Earth Day!

Every Earth Day as a kid I used to wake up, run downstairs and see what Al Gore brought us.

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Air Date: April 21, 2009.
  
LATE NIGHT with JIMMY FALLON

Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together on stage in Toronto for a two-hour friendly debate.

Each side got to pick a topic, so the first hour will be centered on the international banking crisis, the second hour will be dedicated to NASCAR trivia.

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Air Date: March 24, 2009.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

I got married last week.

We went to the courthouse and the guys says, “Are you the father of the bride?”

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Air Date: March 23, 2009.
  
LATE NIGHT with JIMMY FALLON

Police in Nigeria have arrested a one hundred fourteen-year-old man after discovering more than one hundred bags of marijuana behind his house.

The good news is he’s only looking at a few months in jail. The bad news is that’s a life sentence.

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Air Date: March 17, 2009.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

It was a lovely day today here in New York City.

It was so nice today that AIG gave a bonus to Al Roker.

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Air Date: March 16, 2009.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Bernie Madoff spent his first weekend in jail in solitary confinement.

He’s alone 23 hours a day and he’s only allowed to shower twice a week – it’s like I have a twin.

Earlier today his guards caught him swindling himself.

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Air Date: March 12, 2009.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Bristol Palin and her fiancé Levi Johnston have split up.

Right about now Sarah Palin is in a helicopter hunting for the boyfriend with a rifle.

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Air Date: February 12, 2009.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

It was really windy here today in New York City.

It was so windy today that I had to jump in a cab and yell, “Follow that hairpiece!”

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Air Date: February 11, 2009.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Celebrity birthday: Happy birthday today to Sarah Palin.

I don’t want to say how old she is, but from her house she can see 50.

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Air Date: January 29, 2009.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Former Yankee manager Joe Torre has a new book out.

In the book he says that Alex Rodriguez was a pretty boy who can’t perform when it counts – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s what Madonna said.

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Air Date: January 9, 2009.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

The Obamas officially moved to Washington, DC this week.

Earlier today their stuff arrived via U-Haul One.

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Air Date: December 18, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

It’s Christmas time so it’s tip time.

I’m all set for that; earlier today I went to the bank and got a roll of quarters.

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Air Date: December 17, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

On this day in 1903 the Wright Brothers made their first flight.

Orville made the first flight – 852 feet. Here’s the weird thing: somehow his luggage landed up in Dallas.

Those first flights were rough, it was drafty, it was cold, it was cramped, there was no food – today we call that JetBlue flights.

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Air Date: December 15, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Yesterday in Iraq a guy threw his shoe at President Bush.

Luckily President Bush was able to dodge the shoe. I believe he hasn’t dodged something like that since the Vietnam War.

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Air Date: December 10, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

The Yankees have signed free agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia.

The deal is pending a physical by Madonna.

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Air Date: December 8, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

OJ Simpson was convicted on Friday to 33 years in prison, but it could be less with good behavior.

That seems likely because, really, when you think of OJ, you think of good behavior.

Legal experts say his main problem was his lawyer couldn’t find anything that rhymes with memorabilia.

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Air Date: November 27, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

I have a lot to be thankful for this year.

Sarah Palin, Eliot Spitzer, John McCain, Amy Winehouse, Andy Dick…

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Air Date: November 24, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Political insiders are now saying that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have formed a good working relationship but they don’t have a close personal relationship.

That’s right, Obama and Hillary have a good working relationship but not a close personal relationship – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Bill and Hillary.

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Air Date: November 5, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Now that the election is finally over, Sarah Palin is headed back to Alaska.

I know one thing: I wouldn’t want to be a moose now.

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Air Date: October 3, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

John McCain watched the debate and loved Sarah Palin’s performance.

As a matter of fact he applauded so much all of the lights in his house kept going on and off.

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Air Date: October 1, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Sarah Palin is training for tomorrow night’s vice presidential debate in Arizona.

You know you’re in trouble when your debate goal is to do as well as Dan Quayle.

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Sarah Palin is training for tomorrow night’s vice presidential debate in Arizona.

She says it’s really helped her on foreign policy because in Arizone she can see Mexico.

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Air Date: September 23, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

All these world leaders while they’re in New York City over at the UN in their free time they’re doing some shopping.

Earlier today the Japanese premier got a great deal on Morgan Stanley.

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Air Date: September 9, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

They’re saying now that when John McCain and Sarah Palin are together he will hug her, but he won’t kiss her.

It’s just like Bill and Hillary.

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O.J. Simpson is on trial again, this time for robbery and kidnapping in Law Vegas.

He has a pretty good alibi; he says he couldn’t have done it because at the time of the robbery he was across town stabbing somebody.

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Air Date: September 8, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

The oldest gorilla in captivity died last week at the age of 55.

The oldest known gorilla not in captivity is 61 and is governor of California.

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Air Date: August 27, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Bill Clinton spoke earlier tonight at the Democratic National Convention.

The speech was a big success; he got four standing ovations and five phone numbers.

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Air Date: August 8, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

The Olympics started today over in Beijing.

It’s two weeks of competition to see which country has the best pharmacists.

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Air Date: August 7, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Brett Favre has approved a trade to the New York Jets.

The deal is pending a physical so he can have his head examined.

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Air Date: June 27, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are now making campaign appearances together.

During the day they’re at campaign functions together and then at night they go to separate hotels – no wait, I’m sorry, that’s Hillary and Bill.

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Air Date: June 26, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

It was on this day in 1963 President Kennedy was in Germany and said “Ich bin ein Berliner”.

Now it’d be nice if we had a president who could speak English.

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Air Date: June 17, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Yesterday former Vice President Al Gore officially endorsed Barack Obama.

Political experts say this should give Obama’s campaign a much needed shot of boredom.

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Air Date: June 10, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

It was hot and humid here in New York today.

It was so hot today that thing on Donald Trump’s head was panting.

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BONUS: Dave told this joke again on the July 21, 2008 show!

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Air Date: April 16, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

This weekend the Pope will be holding a mass at Yankee Stadium.

When he’s done there he’ll go over to Madison Square Garden and administer last rights to the Knicks.

Here’s the audio:

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Air Date: April 3, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Hillary Clinton has another campaign ad now showing her getting up at 3:00am to take an emergency phone call.

John McCain has his own ad about getting up at 3:00am, except in his ad he gets up to go to the bathroom.

Here’s the audio:

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Air Date: March 24, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

We learned this week that former Governor Eliot Spitzer would wear his black socks during sex.

For me the only thing I keep on is my hairpiece.

Here’s the audio:

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Air Date: March 19, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

If you think about it, Hillary and Obama have a lot in common.

Both are lawyers, both are senators, and neither one is sleeping with Bill Clinton.

Here’s the audio:

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Air Date: February 27, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Last night in Cleveland Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had their last debate.

You can tell Hillary is getting desperate. At one point she accused Obama of attending a party at Jose Canseco’s house.

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Air Date: January 30, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

John Edwards officially dropped out of the presidential race today.

He says he wants to spend more time with his haircut.

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Celebrity birthdays: Vice President Dick Cheney turns 67 today.

His friends threw a big party for him and they all enjoyed playing Shoot the Tail Off the Donkey.

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Air Date: January 23, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Osama bin Laden’s son Omar had a troubled childhood.

When he was 17 he wrecked his dad’s camel.

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Air Date: January 21, 2008.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

It was freezing cold today here in New York City.

The key to beating the cold is to dress in layers. So today I’m wearing two hairpieces.

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Mayor Bloomberg and the mayor of Boston have already made the traditional Super Bowl bet.

Here’s the deal: if the Giants win New York gets a crate of lobsters. If the Patriots win, Boston gets Regis.

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ADDED BONUS: Here’s a pic of Dave’s cue card guy Tony Mendez holding the card for this joke:

Tony Mendez holding my joke!

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Air Date: October 4, 2007.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

It was a nice day today here in New York City today.

It was so nice today that Isiah Thomas sexually harassed Al Roker.

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Air Date: September 27, 2007.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

The big U. N. General Assembly here in New York City is finally over.

It was a big success – only five world leaders are missing.

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Air Date: August 31, 2007.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

The big Jerry Lewis Labor Day telethon is coming up this weekend.

This year the oil in Jerry’s hair will be trans fat free.

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Air Date: August 3, 2007.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Scientists in Baltimore have engineered the world’s first schizophrenic mice.

Big deal. Here in New York half of our rats are on Prozac.

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Air Date: August 2, 2007.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

It was so hot today that crooked NBA ref was fixing hockey games.

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Air Date: August 1, 2007.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

There’s a new sex survey that has compiled the top 237 reasons that people have sex.

For me number two would be my credit card went through.

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Air Date: July 23, 2007.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

President Bush’s doctors found five small polyps in his colon this weekend.

I’m thinking we should send these guys out to look for bin Laden.

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Air Date: July 17, 2007.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Celebrity birthdays: David Hasselhoff turns 55 today.

He celebrated by eating cake off the floor.

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Air Date: July 13, 2007.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

The hookers in Times Square are offering their Friday the 13th special.

For an extra $50 you’re guaranteed to get lucky.

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Air Date: June 26, 2007.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

It was so hot today that Paris Hilton asked to be put back in the cooler.

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Air Date: May 23, 2007.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

You can tell that it’s Fleet Week here in New York City.

Over at St. Patrick’s the priests were out front whistling at sailors.

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Air Date: May 8, 2007.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Experts say gas is going to hit $4 per gallon this summer.

It’s all part of President Bush’s “No Oil Company Left Behind” program.

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Air Date: May 7, 2007.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

For me the Kentucky Derby is a lot like sex.

It’s over in 2 minutes and costs me $100.

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I first wrote this joke for Dave last year. Click here to hear the 2006 version live! (format: MP3, size: 108kb)

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Air Date: April 18, 2007.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

John Edwards had a $400 Beverly Hills haircut.

That’s a lot of dough. This hairpiece didn’t cost me $400.

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Air Date: April 16, 2007.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

It was a stormy day here New York City today.

The weather was so bad that Al Sharpton called for the firing of Al Roker.

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Air Date: March 13, 2007.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

It was so nice today that that crazy astronaut was wearing nothing but a diaper.

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Air Date: February 5, 2007.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Congratulations to the Indianapolis Colts who won Super Bowl XLI last night.

So, now that the Colts have won the Super Bowl I’m once again Indianapolis’s biggest disappointment.

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Air Date: January 17, 2007.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

President Bush has the answer for global warming.

He’s going to send 20,000 troops to the sun.

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Air Date: January 12, 2007.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

The Yankees have traded Randy Johnson back to the Arizona Diamondbacks.

So I guess now the oldest, most overpriced things in Yankee Stadium will be the hot dogs.

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Air Date: December 22, 2006.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

The Christmas season is here which means I have lots of people to tip.

Every year I go through the same dilemma: how much should I tip the guy who dry cleans my hairpiece?

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Air Date: December 18, 2006.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto was the number one movie last week and this week it dropped to number five.

Guess who Mel is blaming…

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Air Date: November 16, 2006.
  
LAST CALL with CARSON DALY

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are getting divorced.

Britney is expected to get custody of the kids; no word yet on who gets custody of Kevin Federline.

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Air Date: November 9, 2006.
  
LAST CALL with CARSON DALY

An Australian company has developed new enhancing underwear for men to make them more attractive to women.

Here’s how it works: the underwear enhances your bulge in the wallet area.

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Air Date: October 30, 2006.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Snoop Dogg has been arrested for drug possession.

He says he’s going to fight it; he’s going to pleade not-g’izzle.

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Air Date: October 11, 2006.
  
LAST CALL with CARSON DALY

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie reportedly spoke recently for the first time in over a year.

Sources say it was a short but extremely dumb conversation.


Scientists recently announced that they’ve discovered the 3 million year-old skeleton of an ape-like human ancestor.

So far they’ve determined that this species was able to walk upright, climb trees and get elected governor of California.

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Air Date: October 9, 2006.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

North Korea recently tested a nuclear weapon.

President Bush said it’s OK, just so long as they don’t conduct a nuculer test.

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Air Date: October 3, 2006.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

It was a beautiful day today in New York City.

It was so nice today that ex-Congressman Mark Foley was sending inappropriate emails to Al Roker.

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Air Date: September 27, 2006.
  
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

It was a beautiful day today in New York City.

It was so nice over at St. Patrick’s I saw a group of priests playing touch football with the altar boys.

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