A woman from Alabama placed the winning bid of $63,000 on eBay to have dinner with Sarah Palin.
For $63,000 she’ll not only have dinner with you, she’ll also show you to the table at Applebee’s.
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[link | comment]Tags: eBay, Sarah Palin
Former New York Gov Eliot Spitzer is running for governor again.
He’s already doing some polling and I’m thinking, isn’t that what got him in trouble in the first place?
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: David Letterman, Eliot Spitzer, Late Show
Former President Bush’s daughter Jenna has been hired as a correspondent on the Today show.
They say Jenna will contribute about once a month – it’s the same schedule her old man had.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: David Letterman, George Bush, Jenna Bush, Late Show, Today Show
Celebrity birthdays: Regis Philbin turns 78 today.
His family threw him a surprise party; what they did was they all jumped out from behind his money.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: David Letterman, Late Show, money, Regis Philbin
Are you excited about the Afghanistan election?
Don’t get too excited; there were reports of voting irregularities in Broward and Dade counties.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: Afghanistan, David Letterman, elections, Late Show
Tomorrow President Obama is going to have Henry Louis Gates and Sgt. James Crowley over to the White House for a beer.
I believe it’ll be the first kegger at the White House since the Bush twins lived there.
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[link | 6 comments]Tags: Barack Obama, beer summit, Bush twins, David Letterman, Henry Louis Gates, Late Show, Sgt Crowley
Earlier today there was a solar eclipse of the sun in China.
Rush Limbaugh said it just proves the unreliability of solar power.
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[link | comment]Tags: David Letterman, Late Show, Rush Limbaugh, solar eclipse
The new Harry Potter movie opened today.
In this movie Harry faces the most evil threat yet: Dick Cheney and his secret CIA hit squad.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: David Letterman, Dick Cheney, Harry Potter, Late Show
Osama bin Laden’s first wife is writing a book.
In the book she describes their wedding; after they were married their friends tied tin cans to the back of their camel.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: camel, David Letterman, Late Show, Osama bin Laden
Barry Bonds and his wife, Liz, are getting divorced.
Apparently she caught him injecting another woman.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: Barry Bonds, Jimmy Fallon, Late Night, steroids
Sarah Palin was in New York City yesterday.
She had a great time; she spent the day shooting rats from a helicopter.
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[link | 2 comments]Tags: David Letterman, Late Show, rats, Sarah Palin
Vice President Joe Biden was in New York City yesterday and he bought a suit at Barney’s.
It cost $2,400 and it’s high quality material – made from the same fabric as his hair.
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[link | 2 comments]Tags: Jimmy Fallon, Joe Biden, Late Night
General Motors filed for bankruptcy on Monday.
Experts say GM will emerge from bankruptcy in 3 three years or 36,000 miles, whichever comes first.
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[link | 2 comments]Tags: GM, Jimmy Fallon, Late Night
Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart got engaged.
He surprised her by getting down on one knee, popping the question and slipping a diamond ring around her waist.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: Calista Flockhart, Harrison Ford, Jimmy Fallon, Late Night
President Obama was a big hit telling jokes at the White House Correspondent’s dinner on Saturday.
He was so funny that earlier today NBC gave him the 10:00 slot.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: Barack Obama, David Letterman, Late Show, NBC
Supreme Court Justice David Souter is stepping down from the court.
He says he wants to spend more time judging his family.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: David Letterman, David Souter, Late Show, Supreme Court
Happy Earth Day!
Every Earth Day as a kid I used to wake up, run downstairs and see what Al Gore brought us.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: Al Gore, Earth Day, Jimmy Fallon, Late Night
Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together on stage in Toronto for a two-hour friendly debate.
Each side got to pick a topic, so the first hour will be centered on the international banking crisis, the second hour will be dedicated to NASCAR trivia.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: Bill Clinton, George Bush, Jimmy Fallon, Late Night, NASCAR
I got married last week.
We went to the courthouse and the guys says, “Are you the father of the bride?”
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[link | 3 comments]Tags: David Letterman, Late Show, marriage
Police in Nigeria have arrested a one hundred fourteen-year-old man after discovering more than one hundred bags of marijuana behind his house.
The good news is he’s only looking at a few months in jail. The bad news is that’s a life sentence.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: Jimmy Fallon, Late Night, marijuana, Nigeria
It was a lovely day today here in New York City.
It was so nice today that AIG gave a bonus to Al Roker.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: AIG, Al Roker, David Letterman, Late Show
Bernie Madoff spent his first weekend in jail in solitary confinement.
He’s alone 23 hours a day and he’s only allowed to shower twice a week – it’s like I have a twin.
Earlier today his guards caught him swindling himself.
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[link | 2 comments]Tags: Bernie Madoff, David Letterman, Late Show, prison
Bristol Palin and her fiancé Levi Johnston have split up.
Right about now Sarah Palin is in a helicopter hunting for the boyfriend with a rifle.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: Bristol Palin, David Letterman, helicopter, hunting, Late Show, Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin
It was really windy here today in New York City.
It was so windy today that I had to jump in a cab and yell, “Follow that hairpiece!”
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: David Letterman, hairpiece, Late Show, wind
Celebrity birthday: Happy birthday today to Sarah Palin.
I don’t want to say how old she is, but from her house she can see 50.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: David Letterman, Late Show, Sarah Palin
Former Yankee manager Joe Torre has a new book out.
In the book he says that Alex Rodriguez was a pretty boy who can’t perform when it counts – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s what Madonna said.
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[link | 2 comments]Tags: Alex Rodriguez, David Letterman, Joe Torre, Late Show, Madonna
The Obamas officially moved to Washington, DC this week.
Earlier today their stuff arrived via U-Haul One.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: Barack Obama, David Letterman, Late Show, U-Haul
It’s Christmas time so it’s tip time.
I’m all set for that; earlier today I went to the bank and got a roll of quarters.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: Christmas, David Letterman, Late Show, tipping
On this day in 1903 the Wright Brothers made their first flight.
Orville made the first flight – 852 feet. Here’s the weird thing: somehow his luggage landed up in Dallas.
Those first flights were rough, it was drafty, it was cold, it was cramped, there was no food – today we call that JetBlue flights.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: David Letterman, Late Show, Wright Brothers
Yesterday in Iraq a guy threw his shoe at President Bush.
Luckily President Bush was able to dodge the shoe. I believe he hasn’t dodged something like that since the Vietnam War.
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[link | 3 comments]Tags: David Letterman, George Bush, Iraq, Late Show, shoe, Vietnam
The Yankees have signed free agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia.
The deal is pending a physical by Madonna.
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[link | 2 comments]Tags: C.C. Sabathia, David Letterman, Late Show, Madonna, New York Yankees
OJ Simpson was convicted on Friday to 33 years in prison, but it could be less with good behavior.
That seems likely because, really, when you think of OJ, you think of good behavior.
Legal experts say his main problem was his lawyer couldn’t find anything that rhymes with memorabilia.
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[link | 5 comments]Tags: David Letterman, Late Show, memorabilia, OJ Simpson, prison
I have a lot to be thankful for this year.
Sarah Palin, Eliot Spitzer, John McCain, Amy Winehouse, Andy Dick…
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[link | 2 comments]Tags: Amy Winehouse, Andy Dick, David Letterman, Eliot Spitzer, John McCain, Late Show, Sarah Palin, Thanksgiving
Political insiders are now saying that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have formed a good working relationship but they don’t have a close personal relationship.
That’s right, Obama and Hillary have a good working relationship but not a close personal relationship – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Bill and Hillary.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, David Letterman, Hillary Clinton, Late Show
Now that the election is finally over, Sarah Palin is headed back to Alaska.
I know one thing: I wouldn’t want to be a moose now.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: Alaska, election, moose, Sarah Palin
John McCain watched the debate and loved Sarah Palin’s performance.
As a matter of fact he applauded so much all of the lights in his house kept going on and off.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: clapper, debate, John McCain, Sarah Palin
Sarah Palin is training for tomorrow night’s vice presidential debate in Arizona.
You know you’re in trouble when your debate goal is to do as well as Dan Quayle.
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Sarah Palin is training for tomorrow night’s vice presidential debate in Arizona.
She says it’s really helped her on foreign policy because in Arizone she can see Mexico.
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[link | 1 comment]Tags: Arizona, Dan Quayle, debate, Joe Biden, Sarah Palin
All these world leaders while they’re in New York City over at the UN in their free time they’re doing some shopping.
Earlier today the Japanese premier got a great deal on Morgan Stanley.
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[link | 1 comment]They’re saying now that when John McCain and Sarah Palin are together he will hug her, but he won’t kiss her.
It’s just like Bill and Hillary.
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O.J. Simpson is on trial again, this time for robbery and kidnapping in Law Vegas.
He has a pretty good alibi; he says he couldn’t have done it because at the time of the robbery he was across town stabbing somebody.
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[link | comment]The oldest gorilla in captivity died last week at the age of 55.
The oldest known gorilla not in captivity is 61 and is governor of California.
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[link | comment]Bill Clinton spoke earlier tonight at the Democratic National Convention.
The speech was a big success; he got four standing ovations and five phone numbers.
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[link | comment]Tags: Bill Clinton, Democratic National Convention
The Olympics started today over in Beijing.
It’s two weeks of competition to see which country has the best pharmacists.
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[link | comment]Tags: Beijing, Olympics, pharmacists
Brett Favre has approved a trade to the New York Jets.
The deal is pending a physical so he can have his head examined.
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[link | comment]Tags: Brett Favre, Jets
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are now making campaign appearances together.
During the day they’re at campaign functions together and then at night they go to separate hotels – no wait, I’m sorry, that’s Hillary and Bill.
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[link | comment]Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton
It was on this day in 1963 President Kennedy was in Germany and said “Ich bin ein Berliner”.
Now it’d be nice if we had a president who could speak English.
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[link | comment]Tags: English, George Bush, Germany, John Kennedy
Yesterday former Vice President Al Gore officially endorsed Barack Obama.
Political experts say this should give Obama’s campaign a much needed shot of boredom.
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[link | comment]It was hot and humid here in New York today.
It was so hot today that thing on Donald Trump’s head was panting.
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BONUS: Dave told this joke again on the July 21, 2008 show!
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[link | comment]This weekend the Pope will be holding a mass at Yankee Stadium.
When he’s done there he’ll go over to Madison Square Garden and administer last rights to the Knicks.
Here’s the audio:
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[link | comment]Hillary Clinton has another campaign ad now showing her getting up at 3:00am to take an emergency phone call.
John McCain has his own ad about getting up at 3:00am, except in his ad he gets up to go to the bathroom.
Here’s the audio:
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[link | comment]We learned this week that former Governor Eliot Spitzer would wear his black socks during sex.
For me the only thing I keep on is my hairpiece.
Here’s the audio:
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[link | comment]If you think about it, Hillary and Obama have a lot in common.
Both are lawyers, both are senators, and neither one is sleeping with Bill Clinton.
Here’s the audio:
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[link | comment]Last night in Cleveland Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had their last debate.
You can tell Hillary is getting desperate. At one point she accused Obama of attending a party at Jose Canseco’s house.
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[link | comment]John Edwards officially dropped out of the presidential race today.
He says he wants to spend more time with his haircut.
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Celebrity birthdays: Vice President Dick Cheney turns 67 today.
His friends threw a big party for him and they all enjoyed playing Shoot the Tail Off the Donkey.
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[link | comment]Osama bin Laden’s son Omar had a troubled childhood.
When he was 17 he wrecked his dad’s camel.
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[link | comment]It was freezing cold today here in New York City.
The key to beating the cold is to dress in layers. So today I’m wearing two hairpieces.
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Mayor Bloomberg and the mayor of Boston have already made the traditional Super Bowl bet.
Here’s the deal: if the Giants win New York gets a crate of lobsters. If the Patriots win, Boston gets Regis.
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ADDED BONUS: Here’s a pic of Dave’s cue card guy Tony Mendez holding the card for this joke:
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[link | comment]It was a nice day today here in New York City today.
It was so nice today that Isiah Thomas sexually harassed Al Roker.
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[link | comment]The big U. N. General Assembly here in New York City is finally over.
It was a big success – only five world leaders are missing.
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[link | comment]The big Jerry Lewis Labor Day telethon is coming up this weekend.
This year the oil in Jerry’s hair will be trans fat free.
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[link | comment]Scientists in Baltimore have engineered the world’s first schizophrenic mice.
Big deal. Here in New York half of our rats are on Prozac.
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[link | comment]It was so hot today that crooked NBA ref was fixing hockey games.
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[link | comment]There’s a new sex survey that has compiled the top 237 reasons that people have sex.
For me number two would be my credit card went through.
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[link | comment]President Bush’s doctors found five small polyps in his colon this weekend.
I’m thinking we should send these guys out to look for bin Laden.
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[link | comment]Celebrity birthdays: David Hasselhoff turns 55 today.
He celebrated by eating cake off the floor.
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[link | comment]The hookers in Times Square are offering their Friday the 13th special.
For an extra $50 you’re guaranteed to get lucky.
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[link | comment]It was so hot today that Paris Hilton asked to be put back in the cooler.
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[link | comment]You can tell that it’s Fleet Week here in New York City.
Over at St. Patrick’s the priests were out front whistling at sailors.
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[link | comment]Experts say gas is going to hit $4 per gallon this summer.
It’s all part of President Bush’s “No Oil Company Left Behind” program.
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[link | comment]For me the Kentucky Derby is a lot like sex.
It’s over in 2 minutes and costs me $100.
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I first wrote this joke for Dave last year. Click here to hear the 2006 version live! (format: MP3, size: 108kb)
[link | comment]John Edwards had a $400 Beverly Hills haircut.
That’s a lot of dough. This hairpiece didn’t cost me $400.
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[link | comment]It was a stormy day here New York City today.
The weather was so bad that Al Sharpton called for the firing of Al Roker.
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[link | comment]It was so nice today that that crazy astronaut was wearing nothing but a diaper.
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[link | comment]Congratulations to the Indianapolis Colts who won Super Bowl XLI last night.
So, now that the Colts have won the Super Bowl I’m once again Indianapolis’s biggest disappointment.
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[link | comment]President Bush has the answer for global warming.
He’s going to send 20,000 troops to the sun.
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[link | comment]The Yankees have traded Randy Johnson back to the Arizona Diamondbacks.
So I guess now the oldest, most overpriced things in Yankee Stadium will be the hot dogs.
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[link | comment]The Christmas season is here which means I have lots of people to tip.
Every year I go through the same dilemma: how much should I tip the guy who dry cleans my hairpiece?
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[link | comment]Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto was the number one movie last week and this week it dropped to number five.
Guess who Mel is blaming…
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[link | comment]Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are getting divorced.
Britney is expected to get custody of the kids; no word yet on who gets custody of Kevin Federline.
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[link | comment]An Australian company has developed new enhancing underwear for men to make them more attractive to women.
Here’s how it works: the underwear enhances your bulge in the wallet area.
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[link | comment]Snoop Dogg has been arrested for drug possession.
He says he’s going to fight it; he’s going to pleade not-g’izzle.
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[link | comment]Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie reportedly spoke recently for the first time in over a year.
Sources say it was a short but extremely dumb conversation.
Scientists recently announced that they’ve discovered the 3 million year-old skeleton of an ape-like human ancestor.
So far they’ve determined that this species was able to walk upright, climb trees and get elected governor of California.
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[link | comment]North Korea recently tested a nuclear weapon.
President Bush said it’s OK, just so long as they don’t conduct a nuculer test.
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[link | comment]It was a beautiful day today in New York City.
It was so nice today that ex-Congressman Mark Foley was sending inappropriate emails to Al Roker.
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[link | comment]It was a beautiful day today in New York City.
It was so nice over at St. Patrick’s I saw a group of priests playing touch football with the altar boys.
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[link | comment]A scientist in Japan has developed a way for mice to give birth to rats.
Finally, a solution to our rat shortage.
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[link | comment]Paramount Pictures has terminated its relationship with Tom Cruise.
Tom was so upset about it earlier today he called Brooke Shields to see if he could borrow some antidepressants.
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Also quoted in The Sunday New York Times! (8/27/06)
[link | 1 comment]In the new Miami Vice movie Crockett and Tubbs are a little older now.
They spend most of the movie trying to bust up an illegal shipment of Lipitor.
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[link | comment]Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock announced that they’re getting married next week on a yacht.
Pam will not only be the bride but she’ll also serve as a flotation device.
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[link | comment]President Bush is in Russia attending the G8 summit.
He wants to talk about hot spots in the world: fighting in the Middle East, missiles in North Korea, pirates in the Carribbean…
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[link | comment]It was so hot today here in New York City the Statue of Liberty was wearing a halter top.
It was so hot today that Angelina Jolie adopted an Eskimo.
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[link | comment]President Bush is in Austria today trying to convince European leaders to eliminate agricultural subsidies in order to promote global free trade.
Yeah, he has no idea what that means either.
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[link | comment]Anna Nicole Smith announced last week that she’s pregnant.
You know what that means: she’s gold digging for two now.
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[link | comment]The Federal Trade Commission has ruled that oil companies are not gouging customers.
They said technically they’re screwing customers.
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[link | comment]Earlier tonight President Bush addressed the United States about immigration.
During the speech he laid out his proposal and then he tried to hold his breath for nine minutes.
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[link | comment]Last night was the series finale of “The West Wing” and ABC has cancelled “Commander in Chief.”
So now the only fictional president is Bush.
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[link | comment]Yesterday the House of Representatives passed a $70 billion capital gains tax cut.
It’s all part of President Bush’s No Millionaire Left Behind program.
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Also quoted in The Sunday New York Times! (5/14/06)
[link | comment]It’s one of the worst allergey seasons on record here in New York City.
It’s so bad earlier today Rush Limbaugh admitted he was addicted to Claritin.
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[link | comment]For me the Kentucky Derby is a lot like having sex.
It costs me $50 and it’s over in two minutes.
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[link | comment]A woman in El Salvador recently celebrated her 128th birthday, making her the oldest person in the world.
And fellas – she’s single.
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[link | comment]Today is the 100th anniversary of the big San Francisco earthquake.
FEMA is on the way.
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[link | comment]Earlier today the Yankees played their home opener at Yankee Stadium.
It was an emotional moment when they introduced the old timers – and those were just the hot dogs.
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[link | comment]Earlier today there was a total eclipse of the sun.
President Bush said the eclipse of the sun proves the unreliability of solar power.
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Also quoted in The Sunday New York Times! (4/02/06)
[link | comment]We learned last week that when Dick Cheney travels he has to have a “downtime suite,” where he can relax and take it easy.
President Bush also has a “downtime suite” – it’s called the Oval Office.
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[link | comment]President Bush’s former domestic policy adviser Claude Allen was charged with defrauding a department store.
President Bush was shocked to hear this – he had no idea he had a domestic policy adviser.
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[link | comment]New York Knicks President Isiah Thomas has been charged with sexual harassment by a former employee.
On the bright side it’s nice to see somebody on the Knicks who’s got some moves.
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[link | comment]Researchers in Austria believe they’ve found Mozart’s skull.
They say they used a DNA test and, just to be sure, had Joan Rivers identify it.
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Also quoted in TV Guide! (1/23-29/06)
[link | comment]I don’t like to talk about people when they’re not here, but last night’s audience was really unpleasant.
They got downright ugly when they realized Oprah wasn’t going to be giving away any cars.
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[link | comment]Relief pitcher Billy Wagner has agreed to sign a deal with the Mets.
The deal is pending a physical – so he can have his head examined.
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[link | comment]President Bush is on an eight-day tour of Asia.
He’s visiting American jobs.
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[link | comment]Osama bin Laden’s brother is under investigation in France for money laundering.
This is the kind of thing that could give the bin Laden family a bad name.
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[link | comment]Tomorrow here in New York City is Election Day.
Mayor Bloomberg is so confident about being reelected that earlier today he called Florida and cancelled the crooked voting machines.
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[link | comment]Yesterday President Bush nominated former Princeton economist Ben Bernanke to be the next Chairman of the Federal Reserve.
Apparently Bush is trying out a new strategy – qualified people.
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[link | comment]We’re still waiting for the results of the Iraqi election. The Sunnis are saying the vote was rigged.
I guess they really are getting an American style democracy.
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[link | comment]Yesterday at Madison Square Garden they had the annual Cat Show.
I’m thinking if I wanted to see pussies at the Garden I’ll go watch the Knicks play.
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[link | comment]President Bush is at his ranch in Texas on a five-week vacation.
Let’s see, oil prices are at record highs, the economy is still sluggish and Iraq is a mess – yeah, I’d say he’s earned five weeks off.
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[link | comment]Former President Clinton was offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter Chelsea during a recent trip to Kenya.
President Clinton said no, but he did ask the guy what he’d give him for Hillary.
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[link | comment]I always love the Fourth of July weekend because it combines two of America’s favorite past times – alcohol and explosives.
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[link | comment]Yesterday they had the annual Gay Pride Parade here in New York City.
It was so hot during the parade that 20 minutes in regretted wearing my leather chaps.
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[link | comment]Saddam Hussein is writing a book of his memoirs.
I believe he’s the first jailed dictator to write a book since Martha Stewart.
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[link | comment]Pope Benedict XVI officially moved into the papal apartments this weekend.
Today he spent the entire day waiting for the cable guy.
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[link | comment]The newly elected president of Iraq said that he expects U.S. troops will leave the country within two years.
The bad news is they’ll be next door in Iran.
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[link | comment]U.S. customs agents arrested a man for trying to smuggle 800 pounds of bologna from Mexico.
President Bush said that this proves we’re winning the war against deli meat.
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[link | comment]There are rumors now that Britney Spears is pregnant.
If that’s true, you know what it means: she’s lip-syncing for two now.
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[link | comment]Martha Stewart apparently has a lot of things to work out before she’s released from prison this weekend.
For example, how much do you tip a warden?
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[link | comment]Yesterday in California they officially picked the jury for the Michael Jackson case.
The jury is about 2/3 female and 60 percent white – just like Michael Jackson.
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[link | comment]Everybody here in New York is in the President’s Day spirit.
On my way to work today my cab driver was wearing a stovepipe turban.
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[link | comment]The Post Office introduced a Ronald Reagan stamp this week and said they’ve already printed 170 million of them.
I believe that will make Reagan the most licked president since – Bill Clinton.
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[link | comment]Yesterday Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice warned Iran to stop its nuclear program or face the next step.
I believe now the next step now would be the “fabrication of the evidence.”
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[link | comment]Paul McCartney is performing during half time of the Super Bowl this year.
The only thing that’s likely to pop out during his performance are his teeth.
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[link | comment]Martha Stewart lost a tree-trimming contest in prison.
The good news is later that night in the showers Martha won a knife fight.
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[link | comment]Earlier today here in New York they had the big Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.
There was trouble at the parade when somebody threw a beer and Santa went into the stands and punched a guy.
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[link | comment]Ron Artest of the Indiana Pacers has been suspended for the rest of the season by the NBA for brawling with the fans.
The good news is he’s been named to host next year’s Vibe Awards.
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[link | comment]Vice President Dick Cheney was rushed to the hospital over the weekend.
It was pretty scary. For a few minutes, President Bush was actually in charge.
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[link | comment]Commerce Secretary Don Evans resigned yesterday.
President Bush was pretty surprised by this – he had no idea we had a Commerce Secretary.
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[link | comment]The FCC has fined CBS $550,000 for the Janet Jackson incident during the Super Bowl.
This is the most CBS has ever paid for a boob since they hired me.
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[link | comment]A rare 23-carat ruby is now on display at the Smithsonian Institute.
It’ll be on display through the rest of the year, and then it’s going back to Mrs. Kobe Bryant.
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[link | comment]Earlier tonight the Yankees and Red Sox played game seven of their playoff series.
The weather forecast certainly favored the Red Sox. It was breezy with a 60 percent chance of hell freezing over.
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[link | comment]Congratulations to Britney Spears who got married again this weekend.
Friends say it was a beautiful ceremony, particularly when she lip-sync’d “I do.”
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[link | comment]Former President Bill Clinton is recovering from quadruple heart bypass surgery this week.
Doctors say he’s awake but sedated. In fact, he’s on so much medication that earlier today he accidentally hit on Hillary.
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[link | comment]It’s pretty wild here in New York right now with the convention.
So far this week we’ve had naked people in the streets, all night parties, people getting arrested – and that’s just the Bush twins.
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[link | comment]Ted Kennedy spoke at the Democratic National Convention last night.
Ted looked great. They say he’s lost so much weight he had to borrow a pants suit from Hillary.
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[link | comment]Two jokes on one show!
Martha Stewart was sentenced last week to five months in jail.
She had to surrender her passport – and her recipe for crème brulee.
She got five months in jail and five months of home confinement.
The good news is she gets time off for tasteful behavior.
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[link | comment]Over in Athens they’re poisoning 15,000 stray dogs before the Olympics next month.
Because, of course, nothing says “Welcome!” like 15,000 dead dogs.
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[link | comment]O.J. Simpson says that he is getting his own reality TV show.
He says it’ll be a lot like “Punk’d” but it’s going to be called “Stabbed.”
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[link | comment]Over in Iraq CIA interrogators say that Saddam Hussein has not been talking and that he’s obsessed with hygiene and careful food preparation.
No, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Martha Stewart.
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[link | comment]Down in Texas President Bush fell of his bicycle on Saturday.
First John Kerry fell off his bike and now President Bush. The only thing former President Bill Clinton ever fell off was an intern.
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[link | comment]Jennifer Lopez is getting married again.
This time she’s getting married to singer Marc Anthony. I believe next year she’ll be starting in on the “B”s.
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[link | comment]President Bush says he’s not going to attend either one of his daughter’s college graduations this month, so he doesn’t create a distraction.
Just like with his national guard service.
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[link | comment]Earlier today President Bush appeared on two different Arab television networks.
The spots were a big success – he raised about $10 million.
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[link | comment]Two men were arrested in Central Park after they were found naked in a tree having sex.
I thought this was clever: when the police asked them why they were having sex in a tree, they said because the subway was too crowded.
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[link | comment]Former Vice President Al Gore has bought a cable TV station.
He says it will be like C-SPAN – only less exciting.
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Also quoted in Entertainment Weekly! (4/16/04)
[link | comment]A French lawyer has been chosen to represent Saddam Husseim in his upcoming war crimes trial.
This guy sounds pretty sharp. He says the first thing he’s going to try is to get the trial moved to California.
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[link | comment]MTV is developing a new reality show starring Jessica Simpson’s younger sister Ashlee.
Here’s the scary part: they say she’s the dumb one.
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[link | comment]Spain’s newly elected Prime Minister announced that he’s going to pull all Spanish troops out of Iraq.
I believe this is the quickest pull out by a world leader since – Clinton.
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[link | comment]U.S. officials in Iraq said that they’re still on track to hand over power to Iraqis on June 30.
Officials in the U.S. said we’re also still on track for a power change in this country next January.
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[link | comment]Howard Dean has dropped out of the presidential race.
He broke the news to his supporters and thanked them for their support with a heartfelt, crazed rant.
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[link | comment]More Mars news: Europe’s Mars Express orbiter has photographed Mars’ Valles Marineris, the largest canyon in the solar system.
Just to give you an idea of how big it is, they say it’s even deeper than the hole Martha Stewart is in.
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[link | comment]The FCC is going to investigate the Janet Jackson incident during the Super Bowl halftime show.
Former President Clinton has already volunteered to lead the investigation.
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[link | comment]Earlier tonight in New Hampshire there was a debate among the Democratic presidential candidates.
Howard Dean is still having some trouble controlling himself. During the debate he put Dennis Kucinich in a headlock.
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[link | comment]Coalition officials in Iraq say that Saddam Hussein is starting to talk.
Reportedly, he’s finally ready to admit that he bet on baseball.
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Also quoted in Page Six of The New York Post! (1/7/04)
[link | comment]Saddam Hussein is refusing to accept responsibility for his actions as dictator.
He’s blaming it all on his addiction to prescription painkillers.
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[link | comment]President Bush loves to go the UK and meet with the Queen; they actually have a lot in common.
They both came into power without being elected.
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[link | comment]A woman in California went into a restaurant and found a condom in her clam chowder.
Apparently what happened was, she took a bite of her clam chowder and bit into something rubbery – then she bit into the condom.
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[link | comment]Earlier this week residents of Los Angeles voted to bring back lap dancing.
So finally things are getting back to normal in California.
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[link | comment]California Gov.-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger was in Washington, D.C. today.
This seems like a good a time as any to leave California – nothing major going on there.
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Background note: At the time of this joke wildfires were raging in California. Didn’t seem like a good time for the governor to leave the state.
[link | comment]It was such a beautiful fall day here in New York I went for a walk in Central Park at lunch time and I saw a guy frolicking with his pet tiger.
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[link | comment]Arnold Schwarzenegger says he will not make movies while he is governor.
Too bad we can’t get Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez elected governor.
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[link | comment]Arianna Huffington has pulled out of the California gubernatorial recall election.
Great. Just what California needs – another unemployed alien.
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[link | 3 comments]Elia Kazaan, the director of “On the Waterfront” and “A Streetcar named Desire” died this weekend at age 94.
Police said he died of natural causes – Marlon Brando ate him.
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[link | comment]Ben Affleck and Jennfier Lopez were spotted at a courthouse in Savannh, Georgia on Monday.
It turns out this was a previously scheduled trip to file for divorce – then they realized they hadn’t actually gotten married yet.
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[link | comment]Osama bin Laden is hosting a terrorist convention in Afghanistan.
Next year they’re planning on holding it in Atlantic City.
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[link | comment]We’ve got a big problem here in New York City now – rats. Lots of rats. They say there are 50 million rats in the city.
And that’s not counting the ones who commute.
Dave told this joke on four (count em – four!) different shows: July 30, 2003, August 1, 2003, October 29, 2003, December 19, 2003.
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Click here for 12/19/03 version! (format: MP3, size: 233kb)
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