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Creative Commons License
This work by Chumworth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
August 31, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 5:30 pm UTC
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Former President Bush’s daughter Jenna has been hired as a correspondent on the Today show.

They say Jenna will contribute about once a month – it’s the same schedule her old man had.

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-Chum    [link | 1 comment]

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August 25, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 5:17 pm UTC
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Celebrity birthdays: Regis Philbin turns 78 today.

His family threw him a surprise party; what they did was they all jumped out from behind his money.

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-Chum    [link | 1 comment]

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August 20, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 5:29 pm UTC
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Are you excited about the Afghanistan election?

Don’t get too excited; there were reports of voting irregularities in Broward and Dade counties.

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Click here to see the video of Dave’s monologue.

-Chum    [link | 1 comment]

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July 23, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 5:30 pm UTC
Don’t Look Now

Earlier this week there was this total eclipse of the sun deal visible over there in China. Naturally, when I heard about it, my mind drifted to the obvious thing: using it as material for a late night talk show monologue joke!

But, of course, I’m an extra busy man these days, what with writing jokes for David Letterman and Jimmy Fallon, drawing my IT Underworld cartoon, going to the full time day job and, oh yeah, helping raise our two little bundles of joy. So, who has time to think up original material?

Not me!

So, my mind drifted back to a coupe of years ago – 2006 to be exact – when there was another solar eclipse (back when I had a little more free time). I remembered that Dave Letterman told a joke I wrote about that eclipse:

Earlier today there was a total eclipse of the sun. President Bush said the eclipse of the sun proves the unreliability of solar power.

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Well, I figured, Dave liked THAT joke so, you know, maybe – just maybe – if I took that joke and tweaked it a bit to be more up-to-date, then maybe Dave would use it again. So, I did just that; I swapped out George Bush for Rush Limbaugh, sent it in to the Late Show yesterday morning and…

(drum roll please)

VOILA!

Earlier today there was a solar eclipse of the sun in China. Rush Limbaugh said it just proves the unreliability of solar power.

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Heck – if you can’t steal from yourself, who can you steal from?

-Chum    [link | 3 comments]

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May 11, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 8:03 am UTC
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

President Obama was a big hit telling jokes at the White House Correspondent’s dinner on Saturday.

He was so funny that earlier today NBC gave him the 10:00 slot.

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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

-Chum    [link | 1 comment]

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March 27, 2009.
  Web Posted at: 2:18 pm UTC
More Low Paid Work for Me!

In case you haven’t been weeding through all those ridiculous entries from my Twitter feed that I recently started posting here on Chumworth.com, I had some big comedy writing news this week: I recently started contributing monologue jokes to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon!

Jimmy, of course, only recently took over Late Night from Conan O’Brien, who, of course, is heading out to California to take over the Tonight Show from Jay Leno (for whom I also once wrote monologue jokes) in a couple of months. Jimmy’s been on the air for about a month and last week I got the nod to start sending in freelance monologue jokes, as I’ve been doing for the Late Show with David Letterman for almost six years now (and, yes, I am still sending jokes into Dave).

Earlier this week, for the first time, Jimmy told a joke that I wrote! That’s one more notch I can add to my belt and not just for weight gain this time! If you missed the link to it in my Twitter feed, here it is:

Police in Nigeria have arrested a one hundred fourteen-year-old man after discovering more than one hundred bags of marijuana behind his house.

The good news is he’s only looking at a few months in jail. The bad news is that’s a life sentence.

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You can also watch the video of the entire show here.

On the upside, I’m very excited to contribute to Jimmy’s show. On the downside, it means lots more work and lots more rejection. Well, I am certainly used to rejection so, what the hell!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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December 31, 2008.
  Web Posted at: 12:40 pm UTC
Adios 2008 – You Betcha!

As I write this 2008 is swirling faster and faster around the toilet bowl, about to be flushed away forever. It’s been a strange year for me, lots of ups (Sarah Palin!) and downs (the Penguins blew it in the Stanley Cup finals). However, December turned out to be very strong, comedy-wise! Behold, my highlights, such as they were, for this month.

David Letterman told a whole bunch of my jokes in December, starting with these two on the December 8 Late Show:

OJ Simpson was convicted on Friday to 33 years in prison, but it could be less with good behavior.

That seems likely because, really, when you think of OJ, you think of good behavior.

Legal experts say his main problem was his lawyer couldn’t find anything that rhymes with memorabilia.

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On December 10 Dave told this one:

The Yankees have signed free agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia.

The deal is pending a physical by Madonna.

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Dave told this one on December 15:

Yesterday in Iraq a guy threw his shoe at President Bush.

Luckily President Bush was able to dodge the shoe. I believe he hasn’t dodged something like that since the Vietnam War.

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On December 17 Dave again told two of my jokes:

On this day in 1903 the Wright Brothers made their first flight.

Orville made the first flight – 852 feet. Here’s the weird thing: somehow his luggage landed up in Dallas.

Those first flights were rough, it was drafty, it was cold, it was cramped, there was no food – today we call that JetBlue.

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Finally, the last joke of mine that Dave told in 2008 came on December 18:

It’s Christmas time so it’s tip time.

I’m all set for that; earlier today I went to the bank and got a roll of quarters.

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To top it all off, I got my annual Christmas present from Dave – another Late Show jacket! Check it out:

Late Show Jacket 2008

So, all in all, it was a good ending to my monologue joke writing year! Thanks Dave!

On the cartooning front, IT World has decided to continue publishing my cartoon IT Underworld into the new year! I’ll continue to put out a new one of those every week – tell your friends!

Here is this week’s cartoon:

Finally, the year was capped off with the just about the best Christmas present I’ve ever gotten – fleece football pants! Tell me these aren’t sweet:

Football Pants!

OK, bring on 2009!

Happy New Year!

-Chum    [link | 1 comment]

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November 30, 2008.
  Web Posted at: 8:15 pm UTC
Stuffed

I hope everybody had as nice a Thanksgiving as I did. I loaded up on gravy, mashed potatoes and pie – all of which has once again gone right to my hips. The holidays always wreak havoc on my figure.

Aside from the orgy of food, it was also a good week for comedy! I cranked out two more poorly drawn cartoons and David Letterman told two of my jokes on TV!

Let’s start with the jokes. First, Dave told this one on Monday’s Late Show (11/24/08):

Political insiders are now saying that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have formed a good working relationship but they don’t have a close personal relationship.

That’s right, Obama and Hillary have a good working relationship but not a close personal relationship – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Bill and Hillary.

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Then, he told this little throw-away line that I wrote on his Thanksgiving Day show (11/27/08):

I have a lot to be thankful for this year.

Sarah Palin, Eliot Spitzer, John McCain, Amy Winehouse, Andy Dick…

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Following on this Thanksgiving theme, IT World published my latest IT Underworld cartoon:

Last and pretty much least, I closed out the Thanksgiving week by posting yet another Schwilm cartoon:

OK, enough with Thanksgiving! Time to get to work on Christmas and Hanukkah material…

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 22, 2008.
  Web Posted at: 8:54 pm UTC
Adios, Sarah! Plus, More Toons!

Am I the only one who thinks the presidential election season was too short? I was thoroughly enjoying it! In particular, I enjoyed that wacky Sarah Palin. Oh yes, you couldn’t make her up. She is a gold mine of joke material!

To wit, David Letterman told the following joke that I wrote on the Late Show the day after the election (11/5/08).

Now that the election is finally over, Sarah Palin is headed back to Alaska.

I know one thing: I wouldn’t want to be a moose now.

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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Now that the election is finally over I am drowning my sorrows in cartooning! it is not a pretty sight. See for yourselves:

My latest Schwilm cartoon:

My latest IT Underworld cartoon:

If you like ‘em, please spread the word!

In the meantime, the 2012 presidential campaign should be kicking off any minute here. Yay! I can’t wait!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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October 4, 2008.
  Web Posted at: 6:33 pm UTC
The Week That Was…

I don’t know about you, but for me it was a busy week, comedy writing-wise!

On Tuesday, I posted a new Schwilm cartoon, continuing the mock vice presidential debate that started here.

I’m publishing one new Schwilm comic per week. Tell your friends! If you don’t have any friends, tell your enemies!

On Wednesday (10/1/08), David Letterman told not just one but two of my jokes on the Late Show! Here there are:

Sarah Palin is training for tomorrow night’s vice presidential debate in Arizona.

You know you’re in trouble when your debate goal is to do as well as Dan Quayle.

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Sarah Palin is training for tomorrow night’s vice presidential debate in Arizona.

She says it’s really helped her on foreign policy because in Arizone she can see Mexico.

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You can watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Then came Thursday, featuring the long awaited, not-to-be-duplicated vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin! During the debate I was Twittering like crazy. Here are some highlights:

08:00 PM October 02, 2008 right about now joe biden is combing his hair plugs.

08:35 PM October 02, 2008 right about now, sarah palin is warming up her flute…

08:46 PM October 02, 2008 here’s the breakdown for tonight’s debate: 1/3 foreign policy, 1/3 economics and 1/3 skeet shooting.

09:04 PM October 02, 2008 i wonder if sarah palin is wearing underwear? hell, i wonder if joe biden is wearing underwear…

09:06 PM October 02, 2008 governor palin, you had me at “you betcha”.

09:22 PM October 02, 2008 i’d like to frisk sarah palin for a weapon.

09:48 PM October 02, 2008 SP said nuculer again. i think we all know that’s a bad sign…

09:58 PM October 02, 2008 palin “we’re building schools for children – no gay children, of course, though, you betcha.”

10:12 PM October 02, 2008 palin “teachers need to be paid more – well, not the gay ones.”

10:22 PM October 02, 2008 wonder if palin could humor us and actually pronounce a “g” at the end of a word. just once. either that or flash some cleavage.

10:30 PM October 02, 2008 palin “i like being able to answers these tough questions without answering these tough questions.”

10:31 PM October 02, 2008 sarah palin is scary as hell – and dreamy!

10:34 PM October 02, 2008 dang, i was hoping biden would pat palin on the ass on the way out.

If you’re on Twitter, be sure to follow me follow here. I’ll be commenting live during the last two presidential debates, so be sure to check it out!

Finally, on Friday, Dave Letterman closed out his monologue by telling another one of my jokes!

John McCain watched the debate and loved Sarah Palin’s performance.

As a matter of fact he applauded so much all of the lights in his house kept going on and off.

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You can watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Whew!

Oh yeah, let’s not forget that Friday also featured O.J. Simpson getting sent to the hoosegow for a good long time!

Next week will have a hard time matching up…

-Chum    [link | 3 comments]

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September 11, 2008.
  Web Posted at: 2:52 pm UTC
Take THAT SNL!

Ok, so, Saturday Night Live has made it loud and clear over the past five years that they have no need of my topical joke writing services. However, David Letterman still likes my stuff! So far this week, he’s used three of my jokes, including two on one show!

The first was on Monday’s Late Show (9/8/08):

The oldest gorilla in captivity died last week at the age of 55.

The oldest known gorilla not in captivity is 61 and is governor of California.

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Then came Tuesday’s show (9/9/08) in which he told the following two jokes of mine!

First was this one:

They’re saying now that when John McCain and Sarah Palin are together he will hug her, but he won’t kiss her.

It’s just like Bill and Hillary.

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Then he closed out the monologue with this one:

O.J. Simpson is on trial again, this time for robbery and kidnapping in Law Vegas.

He has a pretty good alibi; he says he couldn’t have done it because at the time of the robbery he was across town stabbing somebody.

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Thanks, Dave! You’re the wind beneath my wings!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 28, 2008.
  Web Posted at: 2:55 pm UTC
At Least He Only Waggled His Finger

I love the Democratic National Convention! Four days of political speeches, video montages, and grown people in funny hats – really, what could be better than that? It’s an endless source of late night monologue joke material.

To wit: Dave Letterman used one of my DNC 08 jokes about Bill Clinton on last night’s Late Show (8/27/08):

Bill Clinton spoke earlier tonight at the Democratic National Convention.

The speech was a big success; he got four standing ovations and five phone numbers.

Of course, the DNC is really just a warm up for next week’s Republican National Convention. Hopefully, Dick Cheney will bring his gun and then the fun can really begin!

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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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August 12, 2008.
  Web Posted at: 2:02 pm UTC
Recyclable Material

David Letterman and the Late Show are on another two-week summer hiatus this week and next which means I don’t have to spend every waking minute thinking about writing jokes. After all, they don’t write themselves – at least not all the time.

There’s nothing I like better (well, almost nothing) then getting a joke on air just before a long LS break; you know, ending on a good note, that sort of thing. Last week, then, was particularly good because Dave told two of my jokes at the end of the week!

First up, there was this little number that Dave told on the Thursday Late Show (8/7/08):

Brett Favre has approved a trade to the New York Jets.

The deal is pending a physical so he can have his head examined.

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Faithful Chumworth readers will suspect that this joke sounds familiar – and indeed it does! That’s because it’s a formula that Dave and I (we’re a team, don’t ya know) have used before. Behold, in November 2005 he told this joke that I wrote:

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Then, on Friday’s Late Show (lucky 8/8/08) he told this joke of mine:

The Olympics started today over in Beijing.

It’s two weeks of competition to see which country has the best pharmacists.

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If you need me, I’ll be spending the next couple of weeks working on my farmer’s tan

-Chum    [link | comment]

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July 22, 2008.
  Web Posted at: 3:13 pm UTC
Deja Vu

How hot has it been in the Northeastern United States this week, you ask? So hot that David Letterman is retelling jokes that I’ve written for him.

To wit, on Monday’s Late Show (7/21/08) Dave retold this little ditty that he originally told on 6/10/08:

It was hot and humid here in New York today.

It was so hot today that thing on Donald Trump’s head was panting.

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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Nothing beats getting two checks for the same joke! Well, some things do, but not most things!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 28, 2008.
  Web Posted at: 8:35 pm UTC
It Takes A Pants Suit

After a hard fought primary battle Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are now campaigning together! Reminds me of another famous political couple that fought like cats and dogs but, in the end, stuck together. If you don’t know who I mean, perhaps this joke that I wrote and David Letterman closed out his monologue with on Thursday’s Late Show (6/27/08) will clear it up:

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are now making campaign appearances together.

During the day they’re at campaign functions together and then at night they go to separate hotels – no wait, I’m sorry, that’s Hillary and Bill.

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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Let’s just hope they don’t show up to a campaign event together in the same pants suit – that’d be awkward.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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June 25, 2008.
  Web Posted at: 1:24 pm UTC
Five Years Since The Monkeypox

Five years ago today – June 25, 2003 – was a Wednesday. Just another work day. Another day in paradise for me. At the end of the day I drove home and was greeted in the driveway by Mrs. Chumworth and our two bundles of joy.

Before I got out of the car she said “Do you have something to tell me?”

I, in my normal post-work-commute bleary-eyed-haze, said “Um, no. Do I?”

Mrs. C: “There’s a phone message for you from the Letterman show. They want you to start submitting jokes or something.”

What?!

See, I had spent the previous three years submitting monologue jokes to The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, freelance. I’d send in two or three jokes a day by fax. Every (long) once in a while he’d tell one on air and then I’d get a check from his production company, Big Dog Productions. I didn’t take it all too seriously.

One night in bed I was reading Sports Illustrated and saw a column by Bill Scheft. At the time he wrote a regular column for SI called The Show – but he was also David Letterman‘s long time lead monologue joke writer. Since I had grown up watching – and idolizing – David Letterman on NBC‘s Late Night, and since I was now writing jokes in a semi-professional manner, I figured why not send Bill Scheft some of my material? Couldn’t hurt.

So I printed out 20 pages (literally) of topical jokes I’d recently written and mailed them to Bill care of the Late Show. Like most writing submissions it felt like – and was – a real long shot. Odds are I’d never hear anything back, so I figured.

The odds seemed so long, in fact, that I had neglected to even mention sending the package to my wife. What was the point, really?

But then came that fine June day in 2003. And that unforgettable look on my wife’s face. And that amazing voice mail from Bill Scheft.

The gist of Bill’s message was that he had received my package and he liked my jokes. In fact, he had liked my jokes so much he had chosen one to present to Dave and Dave had told it on that night’s show which they had just taped! Oh yeah, and he would like me to begin submitting jokes to the show on a regular basis.

It took several listens before the whole message sank in.

I stayed up that night past my bedtime to watch Dave tell the following joke, which I wrote!

In an effort to curb the spread of monkeypox the U.S. government banned the sale of prairie dogs

I hope this doesn’t affect the price of a Whopper.

Here’s the audio of Dave telling it:

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Words absolutely cannot describe the feeling of hearing Dave tell that joke, knowing the words that would come out of his mouth before he said each one. Seeing one of my all-time comedy heroes say something that I’d written was one of the most exciting moments of my life.

Since then I’ve submitted jokes to the show just about every day that they’ve taped. Dave has told more than 100 of my jokes now and it still never gets old hearing him tell one of mine.

Dave is still the king of late night, in my book.

You can see and hear the jokes that I’ve written for Dave (and also my Leno jokes) right here.

Oh yeah, and a big thanks and smooch to Mrs. Chumworth for putting up with all of my joke writing (and other) shenanigans all these years…

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 18, 2008.
  Web Posted at: 8:57 am UTC
Nicole Richie Joke

I’ve started playing around with seesmic. What better way to kick it off than with a rejected David Letterman joke? Take a peek:

-Chum    [link | comment]

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January 10, 2008.
  Web Posted at: 11:19 am UTC
Chumworth on Matty in the Morning!

I had the distinct honor of being interviewed live on-air by Boston radio legend Matt Siegel earlier today. We talked about the writers stirke, writing for David Letterman and Cup O Politics! A good time was had by all.

You can listen to the whole interview by downloading the audio here (format: MP3, size: 2.6MB).

I know it went well because my mommy said I did! So check it out.

-Chum    [link | comment]

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November 11, 2007.
  Web Posted at: 6:40 pm UTC
Could Be A Long Campaign

Since I write jokes for David Letterman, everybody’s been asking how the writers strike has affected me. Well, forget about me – I’m wondering how the strike is affecting the presidential candidates. No doubt, you are too.

Luckily, Steve Garfield and I took a look at that issue in this week’s episode of Cup O Politics. Take a peek for yourself.

Video thumbnail. Click to play in a new window
Click to play in a new window

Again, if you enjoy, please pass the word!

-Chum    [link | comment]

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